So as i announced on my twitter, im actually trying to write story like this time. Since i think i want to become a writer. So im going to write about one subject on here or at least try. So like here i go and sh*t.
I guess the best thing to talk about is to talk about how i met Ella in alot more detail. Yes im writing about Ella AGAIN, get use to it, she's always on my mind and im not kidding about it.
On a random insert note. Im watching Scott Pilgrim vs the world for the 3rd night in a row. Its pretty much my depressive movie since it hurts to watch.
I knew her cousins first, there from Rhode Island. Met them all playing a game. Met the oldest one, he's like my age. He's married with twins. He designs games and stuff. I actually started talking to his little sister. Well she yelled at me and ran away. And i started randomly complaining about that to random people and he was one of them. Then from then i met all 5 of them.
Theres like 3 sisters and 2 older brothers. The one i first met is like 21 or 20 or 22 or something or other. Then the other dude is like 19 or 18, maybe 17. Wow im bad with age.
Anywho they have 3 lil sisters. So basically talked with the oldest guy and like entertained the younger ones lol.
To explain this some more. They played this online game. I played it. Then i did the therapist thing for his family. You know like care so much and watch things just catch on fire.
Oldest dude asked me look out for his family since he didnt live with them anymore. Yeah i kind of failed but did all i really could...
ok out of story for a second
is my whole writing backwards randomly thing annoying or just different?
Ok back to the story that i suck at telling.
So eventually like christmas rolled around. And they had a bunch of family come to there house and apperently i was a big deal to the lil girls the older brother had me keep an eye on for him.
By the way, talking to little girls about cartoons and cookies is just yeah. Next time good friend asks me to watch over his family im going to have to be like "i dont know..."
More detail: Yeah talked to them, made sure they at least had to lie about doing there homework, made sure they went to bed. stuff like that. For some reason i have a talent for communicating over the internet.
Well its only a talent if people actually are willing to listen to me. If you hate me i end up being really annoying.
What was i talking about? oh yea! christmas! Yeah so they had a bunch of family come over for christmas, and the lil girls were like "you have to talk to this really cool guy!" and next thing i know im meeeting a million cousins.
Ok i met like 4 or 5 of them i think. Not a million, though i did meet a bunch one random night.
I met Ella's sister. All i remember is that her oldest sister hated me and that liked to make fun of me, and that her middle sister was weird and joined in with the making fun of me.
Anyways i was suppose to talk to all 3 at once. And the oldest one wasnt around, the middle one was there being annoying as hell. And then they told me the youngest one, Ella, was somewhere else just on her own in the game.
I was like 0.o get on to talk to someone, dont talk to them, off doing own thing. who is this person..... there so mysterious.... omg tell me where she is i have to talk to her!
Yes.... i kind of yeah.... she was interesting!! I dont know why i acted like that. I just had to meet her. Usually when i hear or meet a really really really interesting girl i have to just go meet them no matter what. And Ella sounded really interesting.
Well i found her and i was right, she was really interesting. She talked in this really polite manor with like a high level vocab lol. She just sounded really smart and the whole time i was like 0.0 this person is really cool.
So basically i kept talking to her alot because she was just really really cool. She read alot of books, listened to really old music, Dressed cool. Basicaly she was more awesome then a rainbow at night.
Then the oldest brother was like why do you keep asking to talk to her.... and i replied back "she is really cool" Then he told me no one has ever said she is cool, maybe annoying or a bookwork, but never cool. Then i went on about how cool she was and he said i was weird and err looked at me funny. Then i realized what he was getting at...
And basically at the same time Ella's sister and cousins were talking about me. And her oldest sister said something rude about me, i think she called me stupid. Then Ella defended me, they made fun of her for that and said she had a crush on me.
You i just realized we even acted the same then too. We have a really bad habit of acting the same when were apart. Its weird.
Then after that we kind of like talked more. For errr hours >.> and hours umm and alot more hours. About music, books, just cool stuff like that. We talked about music for like ever.
Then next thing i know it just escaladed. I mean i was happy with being her best friend forever and ever. I didnt really understand how i felt about her i just knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life around her.
Yes i knew that much but i didnt know i liked her....
Anyways next thing i know she is embarressed around me alot. And i kind of demanded we kept talking when she went back home after the holidays >.> err ok ok ok i liked her alot i just didnt know what it ment.
Well soon after that she is really embarressed and about all her family has noticed her blushing and rubbing her arm as she talks to me. Well then she kissed me >///>
Yes im that good at communicating online that its like were doing things in person. All kinds of things. Wow that makes me sound wrong...
its been about almost 3 years since this all happened. I would really like some comments on how readable this is. Is it book worthy. I know the way i write is messed up. I know i cant spell, grammar sucks. But this is the way i think. I write this how i think so its unfiltered.
Also there should be a family rant coming up soon. Since its the holiday season and im getting really tired of my family already. I have a bad habit of freaking out every holiday seasone because of my family. This year isnt looking good so yeah....
If i get some positive "reviews" ill consider writing part of my story about me and Ella thru this.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Me vs Myself
Everyone always talking about how its Me vs The World. Im alone in my fight for freedom. Blah Blah Blah. It must be a one sided battle because i dont see how the world is fighting you, i only see you fighting the world.
And what a nice way to start up tonight/this mornings blog. The problem with my depression is. Once i come out of it i start to realize how shitty my actual life is. Me and Ella are doing better. But i just realized im a community college student with no money, mite possibly lose the only home ive ever known, and im stuck in the worst classes ever. Yay for me....
Lets not make this a self pity party, im not the one that got 80 million bill collector calls today, which half went to other members of the family..... I keep telling my mom to call up the better business bureau but she just doesnt want to fight them. Then after class she had my nephew adam. He is about 3. We took him to the park.
Adam ran up to the top of the slide thing and then realized it was really high up and got scared =/ I feel really bad about that still... Maybe preparing them for life isnt important...
Then while she is dropping me back off here, there is a property tax notice on are house....
Life just keeps repeating itself, just like when i was younger, with a different nephew in the back seat as we stared at bills...
Nothing changes. Its just me and my mom and her bills. My older sibs want me to just give up and leave, but they didnt spend the hours with mom, the late nights, the striving just to make ends meet.
I think im happy im a fat ass, that way no one can tell i grew up poor and still am.
This part of me has been in me for so long. The hardened child. Pissed off at the world for bringing this hell to my doorstep. Destroying my family. Breaking up the only life i have...
It angers me so much. This is where all my anger stems from. The root, the begining, the source of all that is mean inside me.
Its not good when im remembering the past, ive had to do so much to get over it. Just ill never forget that one day "its ok i just wont eat" Ever since i was little ive been willing to do whatever it takes to help my mom. My mom did alot to get me out to this point in my life. Not many nice things too. She kept me alive though.
I refused to give up on her, and in return she kept me alive.
Sorry just kind of wanted to get that off my mind. There are alot of things people dont know about me, would never guess or think about me. I do my best to hide what i should be. I at least act like im not poor.I grew up ghetto outside the ghetto, talk about an outsider.
I bet Ella's father can just smell the poorness on me from that far away, its probally why he will never want me near her. Nothing to do with age or anything like that. Im just not rich enough for his daughter.
He worked to hard to give his family a good life. He doesnt want it ruined by some guy his daughter likes. Trust issues at there finest.
Ella related news
since everyone keeps asking about her or at least bringing up the name, which is freaking me out btw.
Her computer is crap, worse then crap, like ultra crap. Basically for the last week she has been trying to get it to connect but it wont work. Last night it worked, we talked about stuff. Friends who arent around anymore. Writing books about this stuff, The whole age issue. Yes we discuss it and what it means.
Do touch on an extremely rough subject. I met her before she "matured" and well we were really good friends for awhile. She got more then that from me, she apperently liked being more then friends in the term side of things. But we were just best friends that loved each other. You know? kinda like we liked each other alot and knew we ment love. Anyways then she got older... And all hell broke lose from so many sides.
As we agree on, I was ment to meet her then. I was ment to meet Ella then to stop the hell from ruining everything. You can say all you want but i was suppose to be there to get her thru all this.
Ive been told im very insightful and what not. Even called a mind reader from time to time. Just trust me, the other possible future for Ella isnt pretty. God, life, whatever you want to call it put me here and put me here now for her. We were ment to meet later, like normal people, but apperently lifes hand was forced.
If you were forced to meet the future love of your life before you were suppose to so you could save her could you? Would you? What if she was way younger then you were suppose to meet her? Could you handle the situation? I feel like i went back in time and im meeting my lil girl version of my wife....
All in all why couldnt life make us closer! As pointed out in the begining of this, Im so poor that homeless guys make jokes about me on the corner, ok not that poor but you get the idea. Why cant i be capable of doing something?
God i barely know what she looks like. Yes thats true. Now wrap your looks based heads around that little nut. F*ck your ideas of attraction, love, and all that. I love Ella for who she is, for how she thinks, for how she talks. It isnt something superficial that attracts me, its her mind and heart that attracts me.
Obviously i havent written in here in awhile and all its built up, sorry this is so long. If you read this far i owe you alot, thank you.
I talk to my sister beth about Ella alot, i kind of woke up the other night, thinking it was thursday around 8 am, it was actually 8 pm wednesday. My sister felt odd explaining that to me...
Anyways i dont really dream, its all blank when i sleep, but i do wake up with the thoughts left over from what was happening. Its always Ella. Has been for the longest time.
I woke up thinking about being jealous of her loving other people.... i know that sounds soooo bad. I cant help it v.v i like feeling like the only person she loves in the world, omg that sounds even worse.... i just ok ok ok im selfish!!!
i know i cant be the only person in her life *pouts a little >.>* but i dont like sharing her love ever since that issue that happened with her and. its done with.
But i called my sister up like i said and talked about it with her, i wanted to understand what it ment to love someone differently. Beth didnt really explain it well but talking to her really helped me understand it better. I have two sisters, krystal and beth, so they kinda do the whole sister love thing. So talking to beth about that helped.
Ok listening to this kid cudi at 4 am is seriously messing with my head... and why does my alarm clock say 6 though...
Anyways thats the kind of stuff thats been happening with my and Ella, Besides us talking about doing a book and she offering the title "love at first byte"... She is perfectly fine with this whole long distance computer thing, but i always feel like a bad person... Like you have to meee in a coffee shop and go on dates to the movies for it to count...=/
BTW one of my favorit teachers who is having a horrible semester and who i constantly stand up for outside of class made fun of me slightly before class... There are not words yet invented to describe how mad that makes me....
almost all my sibs are married to people who are younger then them by alot more then me and Ella... im dead serious.... I feel so wrong constantly every second Even though Ella would probally hunt me down if i ever tried to say no cause of age.
My oldest brother is 7 years older then his wife and my other brother is like 9 yrs older then his wife. MY sister is like 3 yrs younger then her husband but that doesnt really matter. And my other sister tried to be married to a dude from the dominican republic, massive fail with 2 kids along for that ride. THere fantastic nephews though.
Lets see last brother tried dating a drug adict. And oldest bro is on marriage like number 3, first one was after he got a 15 yr old pregnant in high school. yet again still an awesome nephew out of that even if he is like 2 years younger then me.
I mean seriously i cant be the worst relationship to come out of my family. I swear it must be genetic though....
I must admit me and my other 2 brothers (not counting the 3rd...) must be like the most committed husbands ever. Well i will be. We all saw how are parents worked out or didnt... and we refuse to do the same.
I think im a depressive eater. Well depressive distractor as ive come to call it now. Anything to distract me from my life, waste money, get food, sleep. Just anything that give upable mid way thru it.
Physically i kinda of stop sometimes and break down a little from time to time. Other things are hard to do because of that...
btw i realized the fair use thing lets me show music and stuff on her for comment, and i really do want to comment on the new kid cudi album, some songs just like his first album i cant listen to, but others just speak to me. Its a really good album with instant classics. I think ive given up on kanye, he has lost himself, Kid Cudi, Mr.hudson, Jcole, and delazoo for me. Well here is one of my fav kid cudi songs from his new album.
thanks for reading this far if you did, your a miracle worker.
And what a nice way to start up tonight/this mornings blog. The problem with my depression is. Once i come out of it i start to realize how shitty my actual life is. Me and Ella are doing better. But i just realized im a community college student with no money, mite possibly lose the only home ive ever known, and im stuck in the worst classes ever. Yay for me....
Lets not make this a self pity party, im not the one that got 80 million bill collector calls today, which half went to other members of the family..... I keep telling my mom to call up the better business bureau but she just doesnt want to fight them. Then after class she had my nephew adam. He is about 3. We took him to the park.
Adam ran up to the top of the slide thing and then realized it was really high up and got scared =/ I feel really bad about that still... Maybe preparing them for life isnt important...
Then while she is dropping me back off here, there is a property tax notice on are house....
Life just keeps repeating itself, just like when i was younger, with a different nephew in the back seat as we stared at bills...
Nothing changes. Its just me and my mom and her bills. My older sibs want me to just give up and leave, but they didnt spend the hours with mom, the late nights, the striving just to make ends meet.
I think im happy im a fat ass, that way no one can tell i grew up poor and still am.
This part of me has been in me for so long. The hardened child. Pissed off at the world for bringing this hell to my doorstep. Destroying my family. Breaking up the only life i have...
It angers me so much. This is where all my anger stems from. The root, the begining, the source of all that is mean inside me.
Its not good when im remembering the past, ive had to do so much to get over it. Just ill never forget that one day "its ok i just wont eat" Ever since i was little ive been willing to do whatever it takes to help my mom. My mom did alot to get me out to this point in my life. Not many nice things too. She kept me alive though.
I refused to give up on her, and in return she kept me alive.
Sorry just kind of wanted to get that off my mind. There are alot of things people dont know about me, would never guess or think about me. I do my best to hide what i should be. I at least act like im not poor.I grew up ghetto outside the ghetto, talk about an outsider.
I bet Ella's father can just smell the poorness on me from that far away, its probally why he will never want me near her. Nothing to do with age or anything like that. Im just not rich enough for his daughter.
He worked to hard to give his family a good life. He doesnt want it ruined by some guy his daughter likes. Trust issues at there finest.
Ella related news
since everyone keeps asking about her or at least bringing up the name, which is freaking me out btw.
Her computer is crap, worse then crap, like ultra crap. Basically for the last week she has been trying to get it to connect but it wont work. Last night it worked, we talked about stuff. Friends who arent around anymore. Writing books about this stuff, The whole age issue. Yes we discuss it and what it means.
Do touch on an extremely rough subject. I met her before she "matured" and well we were really good friends for awhile. She got more then that from me, she apperently liked being more then friends in the term side of things. But we were just best friends that loved each other. You know? kinda like we liked each other alot and knew we ment love. Anyways then she got older... And all hell broke lose from so many sides.
As we agree on, I was ment to meet her then. I was ment to meet Ella then to stop the hell from ruining everything. You can say all you want but i was suppose to be there to get her thru all this.
Ive been told im very insightful and what not. Even called a mind reader from time to time. Just trust me, the other possible future for Ella isnt pretty. God, life, whatever you want to call it put me here and put me here now for her. We were ment to meet later, like normal people, but apperently lifes hand was forced.
If you were forced to meet the future love of your life before you were suppose to so you could save her could you? Would you? What if she was way younger then you were suppose to meet her? Could you handle the situation? I feel like i went back in time and im meeting my lil girl version of my wife....
All in all why couldnt life make us closer! As pointed out in the begining of this, Im so poor that homeless guys make jokes about me on the corner, ok not that poor but you get the idea. Why cant i be capable of doing something?
God i barely know what she looks like. Yes thats true. Now wrap your looks based heads around that little nut. F*ck your ideas of attraction, love, and all that. I love Ella for who she is, for how she thinks, for how she talks. It isnt something superficial that attracts me, its her mind and heart that attracts me.
Obviously i havent written in here in awhile and all its built up, sorry this is so long. If you read this far i owe you alot, thank you.
I talk to my sister beth about Ella alot, i kind of woke up the other night, thinking it was thursday around 8 am, it was actually 8 pm wednesday. My sister felt odd explaining that to me...
Anyways i dont really dream, its all blank when i sleep, but i do wake up with the thoughts left over from what was happening. Its always Ella. Has been for the longest time.
I woke up thinking about being jealous of her loving other people.... i know that sounds soooo bad. I cant help it v.v i like feeling like the only person she loves in the world, omg that sounds even worse.... i just ok ok ok im selfish!!!
i know i cant be the only person in her life *pouts a little >.>* but i dont like sharing her love ever since that issue that happened with her and. its done with.
But i called my sister up like i said and talked about it with her, i wanted to understand what it ment to love someone differently. Beth didnt really explain it well but talking to her really helped me understand it better. I have two sisters, krystal and beth, so they kinda do the whole sister love thing. So talking to beth about that helped.
Ok listening to this kid cudi at 4 am is seriously messing with my head... and why does my alarm clock say 6 though...
Anyways thats the kind of stuff thats been happening with my and Ella, Besides us talking about doing a book and she offering the title "love at first byte"... She is perfectly fine with this whole long distance computer thing, but i always feel like a bad person... Like you have to meee in a coffee shop and go on dates to the movies for it to count...=/
BTW one of my favorit teachers who is having a horrible semester and who i constantly stand up for outside of class made fun of me slightly before class... There are not words yet invented to describe how mad that makes me....
almost all my sibs are married to people who are younger then them by alot more then me and Ella... im dead serious.... I feel so wrong constantly every second Even though Ella would probally hunt me down if i ever tried to say no cause of age.
My oldest brother is 7 years older then his wife and my other brother is like 9 yrs older then his wife. MY sister is like 3 yrs younger then her husband but that doesnt really matter. And my other sister tried to be married to a dude from the dominican republic, massive fail with 2 kids along for that ride. THere fantastic nephews though.
Lets see last brother tried dating a drug adict. And oldest bro is on marriage like number 3, first one was after he got a 15 yr old pregnant in high school. yet again still an awesome nephew out of that even if he is like 2 years younger then me.
I mean seriously i cant be the worst relationship to come out of my family. I swear it must be genetic though....
I must admit me and my other 2 brothers (not counting the 3rd...) must be like the most committed husbands ever. Well i will be. We all saw how are parents worked out or didnt... and we refuse to do the same.
I think im a depressive eater. Well depressive distractor as ive come to call it now. Anything to distract me from my life, waste money, get food, sleep. Just anything that give upable mid way thru it.
Physically i kinda of stop sometimes and break down a little from time to time. Other things are hard to do because of that...
btw i realized the fair use thing lets me show music and stuff on her for comment, and i really do want to comment on the new kid cudi album, some songs just like his first album i cant listen to, but others just speak to me. Its a really good album with instant classics. I think ive given up on kanye, he has lost himself, Kid Cudi, Mr.hudson, Jcole, and delazoo for me. Well here is one of my fav kid cudi songs from his new album.
thanks for reading this far if you did, your a miracle worker.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I dont know what to call this
Anyways ive been waiting a few weeks now. There will be a reason. It will make sense. And yes it will make me worry about her. But till then im just waiting day after day after day after day trying my best to stay sane. Its getting kind of annoying after all this time.
I know i chose this life, i agreed to what it would be. But honestly im litterally infront of a laptop 24/7 365.. i plan my days around it. I wait i wait i wait. Im have to. This is my life force and all that. My only connection to her.
by the way thanks for not being so judgemental.
I just kind of sit here and stare at my laptop for weeks waiting for something to happen.
I may explode if i find out she's making me wait on purpose.... A friend did that to me bout 2 months ago... it wasnt pretty. When im mad i get angry and maybe hit things. when i want to kill something i become mean and hurtful and break watever made me mad in the most painful way. Which mostly leads to attacks on the soul. I hate that about me personally. I naturally know how to make a person feel as worse as they can... I do my best to never do that though. I never do it but it slips evey year or so.
This is pretty much why i started blogging, its something i can do on my laptop while i wait.
I miss basketball, i miss playing catch, i miss my family. I still do that stuff, but its always a risk if i do it late in the day. mornings are a foreign topic to me. I spend my nights waiting and hoping.
Seriously though i have the patience of a tree, not a monk, but a fricken tree. I can wait forever and ever and ever.
im in like a 5x5 room waiting. I cant just walk away without first checking the time, make sure i wont be gone too long or too far away, and make sure i leave warnings to why im gone. Then i leave and feel guilty as hell while im gone.
For the last few years my family has gotten mad at me
Fam: "justin can you come over for a minute?"
Me: "umm im not sure >.>"
Fam: "why not?"
Me: "i dont know"
Fam: "yes or no....."
me: "no >.>"
Fam: "bye..."
Call me anytime after 5 pm and i just cant leave to go help you. You have to be very convincing to get me to risk leaving for a bit. It feels like i leave a large part of me behind when i leave.
Its my only connection to her. I just wait and hope that something mite happen that will make her show up and talk to me.
Before you go making assumption about how maybe she just doesnt want to talk to me. She get busy, has troubles with getting on to talk to me, school, computer. And if you think she mite be lying to me, ill meet you in the parking lot around 4 pm.
also if your wondering why my words are so scattered in these blogs its because its how i think. thought after thought after thought right after another in short periods of time. Like every few seconds. Sorry.
Anyways im going to go back to waiting somemore. If you see me tweeting, im waiting, if you dont see me tweeting im probally just to far gone while im waiting so im just reading my timeline for a few hours...
I know i chose this life, i agreed to what it would be. But honestly im litterally infront of a laptop 24/7 365.. i plan my days around it. I wait i wait i wait. Im have to. This is my life force and all that. My only connection to her.
by the way thanks for not being so judgemental.
I just kind of sit here and stare at my laptop for weeks waiting for something to happen.
I may explode if i find out she's making me wait on purpose.... A friend did that to me bout 2 months ago... it wasnt pretty. When im mad i get angry and maybe hit things. when i want to kill something i become mean and hurtful and break watever made me mad in the most painful way. Which mostly leads to attacks on the soul. I hate that about me personally. I naturally know how to make a person feel as worse as they can... I do my best to never do that though. I never do it but it slips evey year or so.
This is pretty much why i started blogging, its something i can do on my laptop while i wait.
I miss basketball, i miss playing catch, i miss my family. I still do that stuff, but its always a risk if i do it late in the day. mornings are a foreign topic to me. I spend my nights waiting and hoping.
Seriously though i have the patience of a tree, not a monk, but a fricken tree. I can wait forever and ever and ever.
im in like a 5x5 room waiting. I cant just walk away without first checking the time, make sure i wont be gone too long or too far away, and make sure i leave warnings to why im gone. Then i leave and feel guilty as hell while im gone.
For the last few years my family has gotten mad at me
Fam: "justin can you come over for a minute?"
Me: "umm im not sure >.>"
Fam: "why not?"
Me: "i dont know"
Fam: "yes or no....."
me: "no >.>"
Fam: "bye..."
Call me anytime after 5 pm and i just cant leave to go help you. You have to be very convincing to get me to risk leaving for a bit. It feels like i leave a large part of me behind when i leave.
Its my only connection to her. I just wait and hope that something mite happen that will make her show up and talk to me.
Before you go making assumption about how maybe she just doesnt want to talk to me. She get busy, has troubles with getting on to talk to me, school, computer. And if you think she mite be lying to me, ill meet you in the parking lot around 4 pm.
also if your wondering why my words are so scattered in these blogs its because its how i think. thought after thought after thought right after another in short periods of time. Like every few seconds. Sorry.
Anyways im going to go back to waiting somemore. If you see me tweeting, im waiting, if you dont see me tweeting im probally just to far gone while im waiting so im just reading my timeline for a few hours...
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Rain Rain Go Away
Ok first off i actually do like the rain but "depression depression go away" seemed like too long of a title. Ok now that we got this out of the air.
If you read my blogs, which like now 3 people do. More like one but she says i do a really good job. I deleted the last blog. It was very personal and talked about the worst experiences of my life. All that suicidal depression stuff thats not too important.
Since i blogged that all out ive been feeling more like myself. I havent felt like myself in half a year if not longer. Last night i spent a few hours with my sisters. I think that help, though one was drunk, but that made everything more funnier.
Reason
Ok now if your not confused slightly about that im trying to write about then your a mind reading and you have to read anymore. But if your normal keep reading.
I want to write about how happy she makes me. I dont know why i started thinking about that. But i just sat down and something made me remember stuff. My brain works like that. Its weird i know
Stuff
The thing i remembered was how she told me to say emotional instead of emo. How it wasnt right to call them emo. Ok if you know me in person you know that i stand up against any kind of indifference. I dont racial generalization. Stuff like thatl I really dont like anything like that. Honestly she suprised the heck out of me. It was something i would do. I thought it was so awesome. She was so cool. Yes i know i sound stupid right now but its how i felt.
Books
Books are kind of a big deal for Ella. Some people breath air and Ella reads books. She could read before she could talk. Well she says she could talk she just prefered to read instead. Honestly even though im older i seriously think she learned to read before me >.>
I like to read, i need books with lots of info and things to think about. Basically good books make my mind think about more then just the words on the page. I use to talk alot to Ella about what books she was reading. i havent done that enough lately and i regret that greatly.
Also when i first met her all i wanted to do was listen to her talk about books she was reading. I know your not alone, her cousins thought i was really weird too.
Maybe one day me and Ella will right a book
Assorted Random Stuff
We both rant. About stuff. Im sorry were those people who if you say the wrong/right thing will start talking about it for 5 minutes straight with no end. Even worse is that we enjoy listening to each other rant >.>
I think later on were going to become one of those super happy couples that give advice to everyone and everyone will hate us for it >.<
I going to try and keep this as happy as i can. But with me being all yeah its kind of hard.
Blushing
When we first met she blushed a ton. I didnt know that till one of her younger cousins told me. She use to rub her arm and blush alot when she talked to me. I honestly had no idea. I was just talking to this really smart interesting cool awesome person that i never wanted to stop talking to. And yes i know how did it not seem obvious to me. But i had no idea that she liked me or that i even liked her. Im a guy im oblivious to my own feelings, what would you honestly expect.
She still blushs alot after all this time. And she still makes me insanely nervous from time to time. I guess with are lack of communication i feel a need to capitalize on it when it does happy and not just spend time with her. two street of faults here.
sorry about the random inserts of thoughts. but yeah i do call this the randomness of a unkept mind. by the way, screw proper english and grammer!
Explaining time and stuff
If your still wondering about time spending and distance and all that, wonder no more. You see way back i caught a fish with a coin in it and it granted me one wish. My one wish was to be able to teleport anywhere. Im a lazy person ill admit it, and teleporting makes life so much easier. So anyways i just teleport to the fridge and stuff and to Ella.
If you believe that then the internet is run by magical fairys and i got a sweet deal with this nigerian prince dude and all you have to do is loan me half the bank transfer costs.
I know ive talked about this before but i would like to again. Long distance is impossible, especially if it never started close. By the way i hate couples who move away and split up and agree to see other people but get back together when there one day closer... Seriously? that stuff is just so wrong.
Ok back on topic!
clouds?
no!
long distance closeness
Bascailly ive learned when dealing with long distance you have to do all you possibly can to make it feel like your right next to the person. Also it doesnt help when your girlfriend is a super book reader and has no idea reading words and imagining them. But i have to put alot of effort into making it seem like im there. IF i dont then its just not good... Its alot of talking and symbols and showing how much i love her. Its like sending my spirit to her so she can have me or something or other.
Waiting
i just cant wait till im dome with waiting. I know im waiting for her but its been years >.< plus i really dont handle waiting well when i shouldnt be waiting >.< like if she is here and then has to do something small. It upsets me =/ its probally that seperation anxiety. My whole life i never had anything wrong with me. No allergys, no phychological barriers, no physical walls, nothing at all... And no its like im trapped in an invisibly box..
Fin
Anyways thanks for reading. I just wanted to talk about how happy she makes me. Talking about the bad stuff really helped rest my mind. I feel like its healing. I really want to pay my respect to how happy she truely makes me. I love Ella, she is a perfect angel. *pauses to let his weirdness sink in* anywho thanks. I know that many people read this but if your one of the few that does, thanks for letting my life spread to yours. In some way it kind of feels like yours spreads to mine just by you reading this *more weirdness*
If you read my blogs, which like now 3 people do. More like one but she says i do a really good job. I deleted the last blog. It was very personal and talked about the worst experiences of my life. All that suicidal depression stuff thats not too important.
Since i blogged that all out ive been feeling more like myself. I havent felt like myself in half a year if not longer. Last night i spent a few hours with my sisters. I think that help, though one was drunk, but that made everything more funnier.
Reason
Ok now if your not confused slightly about that im trying to write about then your a mind reading and you have to read anymore. But if your normal keep reading.
I want to write about how happy she makes me. I dont know why i started thinking about that. But i just sat down and something made me remember stuff. My brain works like that. Its weird i know
Stuff
The thing i remembered was how she told me to say emotional instead of emo. How it wasnt right to call them emo. Ok if you know me in person you know that i stand up against any kind of indifference. I dont racial generalization. Stuff like thatl I really dont like anything like that. Honestly she suprised the heck out of me. It was something i would do. I thought it was so awesome. She was so cool. Yes i know i sound stupid right now but its how i felt.
Books
Books are kind of a big deal for Ella. Some people breath air and Ella reads books. She could read before she could talk. Well she says she could talk she just prefered to read instead. Honestly even though im older i seriously think she learned to read before me >.>
I like to read, i need books with lots of info and things to think about. Basically good books make my mind think about more then just the words on the page. I use to talk alot to Ella about what books she was reading. i havent done that enough lately and i regret that greatly.
Also when i first met her all i wanted to do was listen to her talk about books she was reading. I know your not alone, her cousins thought i was really weird too.
Maybe one day me and Ella will right a book
Assorted Random Stuff
We both rant. About stuff. Im sorry were those people who if you say the wrong/right thing will start talking about it for 5 minutes straight with no end. Even worse is that we enjoy listening to each other rant >.>
I think later on were going to become one of those super happy couples that give advice to everyone and everyone will hate us for it >.<
I going to try and keep this as happy as i can. But with me being all yeah its kind of hard.
Blushing
When we first met she blushed a ton. I didnt know that till one of her younger cousins told me. She use to rub her arm and blush alot when she talked to me. I honestly had no idea. I was just talking to this really smart interesting cool awesome person that i never wanted to stop talking to. And yes i know how did it not seem obvious to me. But i had no idea that she liked me or that i even liked her. Im a guy im oblivious to my own feelings, what would you honestly expect.
She still blushs alot after all this time. And she still makes me insanely nervous from time to time. I guess with are lack of communication i feel a need to capitalize on it when it does happy and not just spend time with her. two street of faults here.
sorry about the random inserts of thoughts. but yeah i do call this the randomness of a unkept mind. by the way, screw proper english and grammer!
Explaining time and stuff
If your still wondering about time spending and distance and all that, wonder no more. You see way back i caught a fish with a coin in it and it granted me one wish. My one wish was to be able to teleport anywhere. Im a lazy person ill admit it, and teleporting makes life so much easier. So anyways i just teleport to the fridge and stuff and to Ella.
If you believe that then the internet is run by magical fairys and i got a sweet deal with this nigerian prince dude and all you have to do is loan me half the bank transfer costs.
I know ive talked about this before but i would like to again. Long distance is impossible, especially if it never started close. By the way i hate couples who move away and split up and agree to see other people but get back together when there one day closer... Seriously? that stuff is just so wrong.
Ok back on topic!
clouds?
no!
long distance closeness
Bascailly ive learned when dealing with long distance you have to do all you possibly can to make it feel like your right next to the person. Also it doesnt help when your girlfriend is a super book reader and has no idea reading words and imagining them. But i have to put alot of effort into making it seem like im there. IF i dont then its just not good... Its alot of talking and symbols and showing how much i love her. Its like sending my spirit to her so she can have me or something or other.
Waiting
i just cant wait till im dome with waiting. I know im waiting for her but its been years >.< plus i really dont handle waiting well when i shouldnt be waiting >.< like if she is here and then has to do something small. It upsets me =/ its probally that seperation anxiety. My whole life i never had anything wrong with me. No allergys, no phychological barriers, no physical walls, nothing at all... And no its like im trapped in an invisibly box..
Fin
Anyways thanks for reading. I just wanted to talk about how happy she makes me. Talking about the bad stuff really helped rest my mind. I feel like its healing. I really want to pay my respect to how happy she truely makes me. I love Ella, she is a perfect angel. *pauses to let his weirdness sink in* anywho thanks. I know that many people read this but if your one of the few that does, thanks for letting my life spread to yours. In some way it kind of feels like yours spreads to mine just by you reading this *more weirdness*
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The North Pole
Im going to try and avoid too much detail about what led to my er depression and uhh thing that starts with S attemps. ANYWAYS. It proved to me that evil does exsist in our world. It beat me down, many times. And honestly i think the only reason im still here is because everytime it came close to ending i would think about how bad Ella's life would be then that i just sucked it up and stayed alive.
Death is an escape. An escape that i desperatly wanted for myself. But i couldnt take it, i just had to last out the pain brought upon me. Brought upon by her sister... Im not going to discuss it, maybe one day, but not now, it is very private and.. just destructive. Its a dark place.
I dont know what gene was put in me to make me never give up no matter what, but without it i would of been dead a long time ago. I dont know if its not giving up or more of a refusal to lose. Things turned somewhat better lately. Events took place to at least dormant that dark place for the time being. I wont forget where it is. I wont sleep on it. I will be prepared next time.
Ella has been back. But lately its been all iffy. Her computer has been breaking down alot and she has had to get it repaired alot. We had a tiff over a thing. But i mean in the end im just going to do what makes her happy, i cant not make her happy. But its going to hurt eventually, because hopefully she'll want it again. I know she will but i dont want to sound rude about this. Its just me changing for her and having that change not be so good later on >.<
We talked last night for the first time in like 2 weeks. Two weeks doesnt sound that long but when your like me and have waited months upon months upon months upon months with no answer, just hope. Time just turns bad when i have to wait now. Its motionless, its like a nightmare. Waiting, feels like im floating thru space. Not the good kind either, the dark, cold, airless space. No control, just constant waiting for something to happen.
Anyways back to the point of this blog, we talked last night and just. Well those dark times were as far negative as i could go. Tonight felt like the exact opposite. It felt good, it felt happy, it felt warm. We talked about life, work, grades, friends birthdays. And this next part is kinda confusing (why does thinking about what happen make my body act all weird -.- love is so weird sometimes) i know we live far away, and i know the world has there asumptions about it. And first of all if we lived closer. Yes i would be a giant idiot but i would do anything and everything for her attention. I would run for miles just to get to her house, i would fall over on purpose to make her laugh. I would just be everything i could for her. But seeing as were not close, i do what i can. Love makes the impossible possible. Basically, i do my best to make it feel like were right next to each other. I mean seriously. When 2 people really put there minds on believing it and trying to feel that, it really does feel like there right here.
The point im trying to make is we kissed. Yes were not close to each other. But we still make each other feel those feelings of being kissed. We wrap are minds in this. We let it be believable. We let it become are reality. If you cant understand it, its ok, you dont have to. Just dont say its not real or possible.
We kissed and it felt like the polar opposite of all the bad things that have ever happened in my life. I honestly never thought i would be the same again, but right now i feel just fantastic, great, amazing, truelly happy for the first time in around a year.
I cant really explain what it did, we kissed once, then i just wanted again, and i asked again (yes i was asking >/////< ) and i was err slow >.> and she kissed me and i kinda couldnt think, i just felt. I felt weightless, i felt like i was in heaven, and i was just looking into her eyes. She was confused slightly because err i didnt make alot of sounds that sounded like words afterwards >///> just that of uhhuhs and mhms uhh anyways!!! Then my brain caught up some and said i wanted to kiss her and make her as happy as she made me, so i did and she started using less words and more sounds too lol.
Were hopeless i know lol thanks for reading.
Death is an escape. An escape that i desperatly wanted for myself. But i couldnt take it, i just had to last out the pain brought upon me. Brought upon by her sister... Im not going to discuss it, maybe one day, but not now, it is very private and.. just destructive. Its a dark place.
I dont know what gene was put in me to make me never give up no matter what, but without it i would of been dead a long time ago. I dont know if its not giving up or more of a refusal to lose. Things turned somewhat better lately. Events took place to at least dormant that dark place for the time being. I wont forget where it is. I wont sleep on it. I will be prepared next time.
Ella has been back. But lately its been all iffy. Her computer has been breaking down alot and she has had to get it repaired alot. We had a tiff over a thing. But i mean in the end im just going to do what makes her happy, i cant not make her happy. But its going to hurt eventually, because hopefully she'll want it again. I know she will but i dont want to sound rude about this. Its just me changing for her and having that change not be so good later on >.<
We talked last night for the first time in like 2 weeks. Two weeks doesnt sound that long but when your like me and have waited months upon months upon months upon months with no answer, just hope. Time just turns bad when i have to wait now. Its motionless, its like a nightmare. Waiting, feels like im floating thru space. Not the good kind either, the dark, cold, airless space. No control, just constant waiting for something to happen.
Anyways back to the point of this blog, we talked last night and just. Well those dark times were as far negative as i could go. Tonight felt like the exact opposite. It felt good, it felt happy, it felt warm. We talked about life, work, grades, friends birthdays. And this next part is kinda confusing (why does thinking about what happen make my body act all weird -.- love is so weird sometimes) i know we live far away, and i know the world has there asumptions about it. And first of all if we lived closer. Yes i would be a giant idiot but i would do anything and everything for her attention. I would run for miles just to get to her house, i would fall over on purpose to make her laugh. I would just be everything i could for her. But seeing as were not close, i do what i can. Love makes the impossible possible. Basically, i do my best to make it feel like were right next to each other. I mean seriously. When 2 people really put there minds on believing it and trying to feel that, it really does feel like there right here.
The point im trying to make is we kissed. Yes were not close to each other. But we still make each other feel those feelings of being kissed. We wrap are minds in this. We let it be believable. We let it become are reality. If you cant understand it, its ok, you dont have to. Just dont say its not real or possible.
We kissed and it felt like the polar opposite of all the bad things that have ever happened in my life. I honestly never thought i would be the same again, but right now i feel just fantastic, great, amazing, truelly happy for the first time in around a year.
I cant really explain what it did, we kissed once, then i just wanted again, and i asked again (yes i was asking >/////< ) and i was err slow >.> and she kissed me and i kinda couldnt think, i just felt. I felt weightless, i felt like i was in heaven, and i was just looking into her eyes. She was confused slightly because err i didnt make alot of sounds that sounded like words afterwards >///> just that of uhhuhs and mhms uhh anyways!!! Then my brain caught up some and said i wanted to kiss her and make her as happy as she made me, so i did and she started using less words and more sounds too lol.
Were hopeless i know lol thanks for reading.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Do You Understand?
**Blog is extra long feel free to skip around to parts you want to read**
Today im just going out to flush out all the bad thoughts ive been having lately. You know those ones you get when you spend too much time with your family. Spent the whole weekend with them so i got some stuff i gotta say.
Everyone in my family is different, we all live differently, and we all want everyone else in the family to live our way. Basically we butt heads alot of touchy issues. Like my family wanting me to buy a car that would cost all my family while i would still have to get to school. Most my family trys to live that basic american dream of a life, middle class, sububran home *obviously i cant spell very well* wife, kids, maybe a pet, you get the idea. They all learned it from dad. I hate it. I hate it so much because i remember what happened with my dad in the end. How he overextended himself trying to make it all work. How my mother did it too. They like to blame her but when your married, no matter how bad the marriage is, your still in it together.
To keep this part short. I just want to live life the way i think is right.
*random topic switch*
Ella's computer is broken again so im just like staring at her picture like constantly. I miss her alot.
Right now... uhh shouldnt of tweeted mid blog writting. Tweet: "When people judge my writting they usually say how bad its put 2gether -.- i write that way bcuzthats how i think..i want 2 express that" then the next one "broken up thoughts that happen fast paced. Its hard to read but thats how i think and i want that to show in my writting." So yeah i knew wat i was going to say then my head went in 5 different directions and i forgot.
i think i remember now. In the end i think these im going to turn this whole experience into a book. Like what i write in here. The last 3 years of my life basically. I think i need to tell the story one way or another. And honestly ive always known that ill need her to help me write it.
Im the kind of person that if you try to make me do something i dont want to that ill just stop whatever im doing, even worst ill go negative. My sister wants me to walk for my associates, if she pushs me anymore im dropping half way thru this semester, its my last semester too and im done.
my grades seem to be ok but im just stressed out constantly. Teachers arent making it easier too. Im basically winging this semester and hoping it works out.
*this blog will be really long*
I worked on my basketball game in my sisters driveway saturday afternoon, and went really hard saturday night for like half a game and we stopped. but it was like full speed stop and goes to stop then jumps as right arm is being pulled away, then pull arm back and shoot right b4 i land lol. spent whole sunday walking and doing useless crap with family. Didnt feel too bad sunday actually, woke up today, put sock on and pulled my hammy a little.... im dead serious, ive been sore as hell all day. From my arms to my legs.
*this isnt gritty truthful stuff right now* **video game alert*
Ok so i play NBA 2k11 alot right now. I start my Pistons Association which is basically liek franchise mode in madden but its basketball. Did a fantasy draft and my team is.
PG Rajon Rando
SG Goran Dragic
SF Tayshaun Prince
PF Kevin Love
C Ben Wallce
Bench
Austin Daye
Jordan Crawford
Charlie Villinueva
Ben Gordon
Darko Milicic
Josh McRoberts
Stephan Barry
Dante Cunningham
Its got as much piston blood as i could get into it. Im not a big stuckey and rip fan in the video game, its boring playing with them, sorry.
**back to my life**
You ever love someone so much that you will your heart to them. Your heart, your love, and your life. Just mentally make it leave your body and go to theres? Im attached to her in the best of ways. As she is to me. Not in the bad way, like we love each other so much that we just want to be near each other. I just love how her mind works and stuff. She reads alot which ive mention b4. She always wants to make everyone happy, she is nice to everyone, which as you probally already guessed can be bad for her sometimes. But i know this is kinda bad, but when she relaxes and just hangs out, she will laugh when things happen to people, its like if you knew it would be unbelievable, like if you stub your toe shill be like are you ok??? But when she is just perfectly relaxed shill start laughing at you lol. I know that sounds bad i just find it really cute. She just seems to act all little kid sneaky like she is enjoying a stolen cookie right infront of her mom without her mom noticing lol. Just so innoccent but yet all lil kid devious lol. It shocks me alot when that happens lol cuz shill start laughing at me lol.
I feel almost happy right now, nba 2k11 is playing that song that features kid cudi and its really good and i started thinking about Ella and kinda err ranted about her... uhh oops sorry. anyways I dont get happy very often, almost never. But i feel happy right now, i havent felt happy in a really long time. Its nice.
Thanks for reading this far down if you did. Todays blog was all over the place, i really doubt there is someone who will unnderstand everything in here.
P.S this is Akon~Angel. I have to thank him for making this song, Because Ella is an angel and i now i have a song that reminds me of that.
Today im just going out to flush out all the bad thoughts ive been having lately. You know those ones you get when you spend too much time with your family. Spent the whole weekend with them so i got some stuff i gotta say.
Everyone in my family is different, we all live differently, and we all want everyone else in the family to live our way. Basically we butt heads alot of touchy issues. Like my family wanting me to buy a car that would cost all my family while i would still have to get to school. Most my family trys to live that basic american dream of a life, middle class, sububran home *obviously i cant spell very well* wife, kids, maybe a pet, you get the idea. They all learned it from dad. I hate it. I hate it so much because i remember what happened with my dad in the end. How he overextended himself trying to make it all work. How my mother did it too. They like to blame her but when your married, no matter how bad the marriage is, your still in it together.
To keep this part short. I just want to live life the way i think is right.
*random topic switch*
Ella's computer is broken again so im just like staring at her picture like constantly. I miss her alot.
Right now... uhh shouldnt of tweeted mid blog writting. Tweet: "When people judge my writting they usually say how bad its put 2gether -.- i write that way bcuzthats how i think..i want 2 express that" then the next one "broken up thoughts that happen fast paced. Its hard to read but thats how i think and i want that to show in my writting." So yeah i knew wat i was going to say then my head went in 5 different directions and i forgot.
i think i remember now. In the end i think these im going to turn this whole experience into a book. Like what i write in here. The last 3 years of my life basically. I think i need to tell the story one way or another. And honestly ive always known that ill need her to help me write it.
Im the kind of person that if you try to make me do something i dont want to that ill just stop whatever im doing, even worst ill go negative. My sister wants me to walk for my associates, if she pushs me anymore im dropping half way thru this semester, its my last semester too and im done.
my grades seem to be ok but im just stressed out constantly. Teachers arent making it easier too. Im basically winging this semester and hoping it works out.
*this blog will be really long*
I worked on my basketball game in my sisters driveway saturday afternoon, and went really hard saturday night for like half a game and we stopped. but it was like full speed stop and goes to stop then jumps as right arm is being pulled away, then pull arm back and shoot right b4 i land lol. spent whole sunday walking and doing useless crap with family. Didnt feel too bad sunday actually, woke up today, put sock on and pulled my hammy a little.... im dead serious, ive been sore as hell all day. From my arms to my legs.
*this isnt gritty truthful stuff right now* **video game alert*
Ok so i play NBA 2k11 alot right now. I start my Pistons Association which is basically liek franchise mode in madden but its basketball. Did a fantasy draft and my team is.
PG Rajon Rando
SG Goran Dragic
SF Tayshaun Prince
PF Kevin Love
C Ben Wallce
Bench
Austin Daye
Jordan Crawford
Charlie Villinueva
Ben Gordon
Darko Milicic
Josh McRoberts
Stephan Barry
Dante Cunningham
Its got as much piston blood as i could get into it. Im not a big stuckey and rip fan in the video game, its boring playing with them, sorry.
**back to my life**
You ever love someone so much that you will your heart to them. Your heart, your love, and your life. Just mentally make it leave your body and go to theres? Im attached to her in the best of ways. As she is to me. Not in the bad way, like we love each other so much that we just want to be near each other. I just love how her mind works and stuff. She reads alot which ive mention b4. She always wants to make everyone happy, she is nice to everyone, which as you probally already guessed can be bad for her sometimes. But i know this is kinda bad, but when she relaxes and just hangs out, she will laugh when things happen to people, its like if you knew it would be unbelievable, like if you stub your toe shill be like are you ok??? But when she is just perfectly relaxed shill start laughing at you lol. I know that sounds bad i just find it really cute. She just seems to act all little kid sneaky like she is enjoying a stolen cookie right infront of her mom without her mom noticing lol. Just so innoccent but yet all lil kid devious lol. It shocks me alot when that happens lol cuz shill start laughing at me lol.
I feel almost happy right now, nba 2k11 is playing that song that features kid cudi and its really good and i started thinking about Ella and kinda err ranted about her... uhh oops sorry. anyways I dont get happy very often, almost never. But i feel happy right now, i havent felt happy in a really long time. Its nice.
Thanks for reading this far down if you did. Todays blog was all over the place, i really doubt there is someone who will unnderstand everything in here.
P.S this is Akon~Angel. I have to thank him for making this song, Because Ella is an angel and i now i have a song that reminds me of that.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Those TImes
For the people who got here from my twitter, you know, your the ones that are like "he's a cool guy, i wouldnt mind checking this out" you can stop reading this now. It would save you alot of time. Best way i can explain it is, for every day there is a night. Well this stuff is my night, its not usually pretty.
Ive Been with her for almost 3 years now i think. Im starting to come to the realization that im doing what of the hardest things in the world. Alot of pain has been coming my way for awhile now. From people trying to push me toward suicide so im out of there way. To just the plain pain that comes from being in the situation im in.
The world keeps knocking me down, it breaks me down, constantly over and over and over and over again. I dont know why i keep getting back up. At this point it feels like its all i know how to do and i have to do something.
One thing i hate the most. Is when im thinking about giving up and life just throws something in my face to make me stop. Why does life keep letting it get that far? Why do i always need saving?
I want to ask her if she wants to stop what were doing. I know i love her and she loves me. Weve been told were crazy for how much we love each other. But i just cant help thinking how her life would be without me. It may be a lie, but her life would be better still. I hate people who live in the dark, but if it makes her life easier ill have her live like that...
Ive been thrown so far away from that mountain that is life. I have to walk for days just to get to the bottom. Ive always fought against failing because of me. But now im thinking about her. I dont know if she can take this anymore. Maybe its for the best if just never truely live life.
I dont want to fight for this anymore. I want to fight for her. Even if it means i have to lose the fight.
Ive Been with her for almost 3 years now i think. Im starting to come to the realization that im doing what of the hardest things in the world. Alot of pain has been coming my way for awhile now. From people trying to push me toward suicide so im out of there way. To just the plain pain that comes from being in the situation im in.
The world keeps knocking me down, it breaks me down, constantly over and over and over and over again. I dont know why i keep getting back up. At this point it feels like its all i know how to do and i have to do something.
One thing i hate the most. Is when im thinking about giving up and life just throws something in my face to make me stop. Why does life keep letting it get that far? Why do i always need saving?
I want to ask her if she wants to stop what were doing. I know i love her and she loves me. Weve been told were crazy for how much we love each other. But i just cant help thinking how her life would be without me. It may be a lie, but her life would be better still. I hate people who live in the dark, but if it makes her life easier ill have her live like that...
Ive been thrown so far away from that mountain that is life. I have to walk for days just to get to the bottom. Ive always fought against failing because of me. But now im thinking about her. I dont know if she can take this anymore. Maybe its for the best if just never truely live life.
I dont want to fight for this anymore. I want to fight for her. Even if it means i have to lose the fight.
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