Im reading thru some old chat logs me and Ella have. I do that often when i im really depressed and miss her alot. She hasn't been around for a couple weeks now, almost a month. So yeah, if you read my twitter, you've seen the crazyness seep thru to my tweets, especially today.
I was planning on copy and pasting the chat we had from windows live chat log history thing but it wont let me copy.... . ok i print screened it
and yes she is like 17, like, like 2 months away. kill me now.
Anyways i just blacked out her last name which isnt even her real one, and that one setence, its very private.
i wanted to talk about that, i would show more but you get the idea. Were talking about who i think she is. I think she is amazing, beautiful, and obviously an angel. I am right. She says other wise, she is right too. She is both. sorry im smiling alot right now and its hard to type, i love her alot.
I probally talk about this alot, but she is tall. She kind of just kept on growing once she started. Its cool thoug. You, you people, think its weird... i hate you people. Height shouldnt determine how people look at you as a person.
This reminds me of last summer when the mother 2 houses down from Javys house (my 12 yr old nephew with an 8 yr old little brother, averie) told javy to like not sit on her kid or something. She was like i see how you treat your brother... she is such a b*tch. Plus if you see javy and averie alot you basically see averie putting javy in a headlock. Thing is, javy is a big kid, he's like 5'5 and 200+ even though he plays every sport known to man. Averie is a little thing thats really tough. So people make asumptions about javy alot.
I stand behind Javy as much as i can. He's my nephew, i care about him.
So basically once me and Ella start to hang out together in person alot and people get rude to her. Im going to be a force of nature you want to be near. I can punch walls as much as any other guy but im just evil when i talk sometimes. And yes i hate that part about me.
Ive sort of known for attacking the soul with words when im mad, just ask my family =/
been doing it since i was little though. Ive basically always been a little overdramatic as people say. But i just prefer to get my words across as best as possible. So i speak strong sometimes.
Reading the chat logs and thinking about Ella more in more detail for a bit really let me escape my depression for a little tonight. Ill fall back soon.
i think when she turns 17 ill feel less evil. But yeah people will actually start to acknowledge it more. I know some people are avoiding this about me to avoid the whole is it wrong or right topic. thank you for that.
im going to be well nice to myself for once right now.
You wanna tell a 7 foot tall 16 yr old girl she cant have me as a boyfriend? i mean go ahead, i dare you.
**laughs alot** it makes me happy to know she chooses me no matter what. i am not a lost cause. i am somebody.
thank you for reading all of this, it means alot to me. It truely does. thank you.
P.S click the picture to see it big enough to read.
I dont miss her so much that i cant even sleep anymore.
In mot depressed to the point that i cant do anything with myself anymore.
I dont stay up countless nights just waiting for her.
The waiting isnt messing with my head at all. Im perfectly fine.
Its not a big deal because i cant love her that much....
I can lie all i want about this but even you who read this know the truth.
All i have to say is, i do love her that much, i love her more then it should be possible to love someone. I love her to the point that i put her above all that makes up our world. This isnt wrong because it hurts me. The pain is wrong for hurting. Love can never be wrong, only misplaced.
My eyes hurt, im avg about 5 hours of sleep every 2 days right now. Its like my subconscious wants to kill me. Guess that beats my conscious trying to kill me.
I think im refusing sleep because im pushing myself to wait for her every second of the day. I know that sounds bad its just that i miss her a lot. Its like going months without ever seeing your best friend. Well its like that but we love each other, like love love, you know?
I feel like telling you a secret. Sometimes before i goto bed. I say her name outloud to myself. To remind me she is real. She is physically real. Somewhere she exsists. Im not crazy, this isnt a dream, im not in a coma.
You she is kind of tall. Like well her body kind of had a growth issue so she grew really tall. I dont know why im telling you this, i just feel extra honest right now, or extra crazy, im not sure which so just roll with it.
She wears really cute glasses, well there cute to me. Err anyways. Well the first picture she showed me was without her glasses. I must admit it was kind of disapointing to not see her wearing glasses by was really happy either way.
One day this will be a book and ill be able to let you know all the dark truths of the story. But with a book your read it and dont have direct contact with me. You read this and you get to talk directly to me and i will hear you. I prefer to be hated behind my back and not infront of please.
I want to explain how this happened. I know you will make asumptions about it. Claim untrue facts of the situation. It drives me crazy. You make it seem so easy to avoid all this. The more i listen to you the more crazy it makes me and it makes me wonder if i was pushed toward it a little.
Deny Deny Deny. But yeah it was pushed upon me but in defense of her. I obviously liked her alot. Just didnt hit me that she mite want more then friendship.
god the years of trying to stay close but not too close as she wanted me close. You seriously dont know the half of it, not even 3/4th of it. Its crazy man, crazy...
Its like i met her too soon to make sure she got thru all these problems in life. I feel like we were suppose to meet a few years from now at like a book store or something. Then life was like, wait she mite not make it to the bookstore, im sending you in early so she stays alive. I feel like that Tim Lincecum being forced to pitch the last 4 innings of a game before his actual start because if they dont win there wont be an actual start.
I guess a big problem lies with how i feel about this. I think about what other people think too much. And when it comes to this i think people hate me, thing im weird and disgusting, think im wrong, think im taking advantage of her, im not mentally mature enough on my own, im fully my actual age, im socially awkward. Im this im that. The words grow louder and louder in my head. I dont need to hear you speak the words to know you think them somewhere in your head.
in about 14 months ill be free from these thoughts. Ill be normal. Ill be a normal guy dating a normal girl. Ill stop being hated. The voices will stop. It will all work out.
My head is very dark. I hide it from you for a reason. Its been so dark that people have left me because they cant deal with being near me. I have to deal with these issues but they cant even deal with me having the issues. Thats how bad my issues are.
Im use to it but it still scares me. It makes me feel extremelly alone.
I hate people who live a normal life. Where there only life dilema is deciding what theyll have for dinner. The people that take up there spare time with meaningless activities. The ones that laugh and drink and pass out without a care in the world.
The world has taught me one important thing. Its beter to smile and ignore the issues as long as you can instead of acknowledging them and confronting them and trying to overcome them. I wish i could forget so easily but i cant. My brain refuses to not not think about other people.
I wish my brain didnt think so much about what you think. I have enough trouble with my own thoughts without having yours in my head too.
I feel like writing one of those shallow look at me its thanksgiving and im writing about what im thankful for so you better read it posts. You know what im talking about, they show up around every holiday and major event. Something to catch your attention and make you read.
Basically im thinking so far outside the box that i landed right back in it.
Im going to start with what @brianspaeth wanted
Thank you sun for shining every day of the year. The clouds may block your sun beans but you still shine down on us anyways. And dont worry about global warming, no one liked hummers anyways.
Im also thankful for all you on twitter you believe in saying what they want. Your right, anything that upsets you is just someone hating on you and your life. Its not possible that someone would think how you act is stupid.
Im thankful for being born with the inability to spell anything right. Ive mispelled my own name before. It pairs well with this need to write.
Im very thankful for people who still read this. Your all crazy. I mean seriously ive given you every reason to walk away. Why are you still here?
Im thankful for all the people that have left me in life. You all choose the worst times to do it. Was it all planned to make me self-destruct?
Im happily thankful for Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Great movie. And it got me my very own person Quote bot --> @The_Real_LLC <--
Im thankful for the sport of basketball and all that entitles it. I so didnt use entitles right did i.
Im thankful for Austin Daye @Adaye5. You may ride the pine for the Pistons but your still there best offensive weapon. Your like the Kevin Durant of the east. Except no one knows your the kevin durant of the east.
Im thankful for well enough spoofing and making fun of my life.
Im thankful for the girl from south carolina that stole my heart and refused to give it back to me. You give my life meaning. You give it air you give it light.
The cute way you talk about things you know is so adorable. I know you may find it hard to believe sometimes but i do actually love talking to you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Your my life.
Im not thankful for the person that just came in and ruined my thinking....
Im thankful for Ella. Im thankful she was so persistent. Im thankful she is way smarter then me. Im thankful i was easily convinced.
If you read this far, im thankful for you. I really mean it. Not many people read this stuff. Each and every reader is important to me. Thank you for being you.
Im serious. Dont read this. If your smart enough not to read this then you understand most of everything im about to write. If you have some doubt to that fact and choose to read on, then your already smarter.
Dear World i hate you. I hate the way you think. I hate the way you act.
I hate how you believe you what you say matters.
I hate how we search thru piles of information just looking for what makes us right, what justifies are thoughts. Just because we must be right. People must believe us.
We cannot accept others differences when we cannot understand them. We build walls around us for safety. But were keeping the world out.
I refuse to give you examples of this. Realistic "facts" that can back me up like some kind of gang of thugs with bats and chains. My words will stand alone on there own worth.
we use information as a weapon.
Information are the bullets and people that don't think the same as us are our enemies.
We tear down people's worlds so we can build are own up. We attack, we burn, we rape there worlds till they are our own.
We call them uneducated, wrong, indigenous. They are lesser being because they "know" less then us. They need us to "educate" them. They must learn the proper way to act. They must act like us.
We all refuse to see everything that the world offers and perfectly accept it as it is. There is always something wrong, a line drawn that spreads us further apart. One day we will overcome ourselves and move on.
I would ask you to use this in your life but i don't want to have to ask you. If you agree with this go with it, if you don't then dont go with it. Take whatever you want from this, its free.
Enjoy your life, just remember your not the only one living.
I really dont sleep intill my body makes me. I hate sleeping. I just i dont know anymore. 3 AM is like nightmare time for me. And i mean like awake nightmares. I dream more when im awake then when im asleep. I guess i need some dreaming in my life and i can't do it when im asleep.
When i sleep i dont see dreams or anything i its just blank till i wake up. If im lucky and i lay in bed and try to sleep more ill see what my mind was dreaming about currently. Sometimes its a random story thats really really cool/weird or its Ella. For the past 3 years or so its been Ella though. Trust me im not complaining about that. Its awesome.
Today while playing some basketball with my 8 yr old nephew i hurt my dam ankle. He's 8 so i go easy on him like i did with his older brother. I always make them beat me with better and better jumpshots. And when im on offense i throw up distant jumpers or do some move i need to work on.
Well its cold out so i had on like a hoody and a fleece. I had jeans on too. No realizing i was wearing an added like 15 pounds in clothes i did my running jumper from the left side. I usually always make it. It felt weird so i watched it go in. As i was doing that i forgot i was still in the air.... Then i landed on the left side of my left foot and rolled my ankle really bad.... I heard a crack.... then i ran around going oww owww oowww.
I always run right after rolling my ankle, it makes my ankle not hurt afterwards. But a crack noise is something new.... I finished the game. mostly without shoes on so my ankle could expand. My shoe was hurting it alot. then the cement hurt my feet so i put my shoe back on.
Ive been walking too much with this hurt ankle tonight too. Either after i wake up its killing me and ill need to drug up on painkillers or it will be better. Either way it hurts right now...
I tried hooking up my laptop media with my ps3. It was a major fail outside of my photos.. i got music to work once then never again... technology hates me tonight... im too tired to solve problems so i gave up.
2 more of my books showed up today. Sadly they were book 2 and 3 in the larry trilogy.
Vote for larry and like the last one about some guru thing.
Gospel according to larry is still my favorite one.
I never liked the second one because apperently buying nice jeans makes you consumerism monster. Anyways the first book explains alot about who i am.
Also im i got Slam bt walter dean myers. read that growing up too. Im at like page 90 something right now.
If you follow my twitter you know i watch scott pilgrim vs the world everynight. and actually tonight is the first night i havent, im just way too tired for it. I played a ton of games though.
I dont even remember what i was suppose to be writing about in here anymore. My head is running again.
If you haven't downloaded j Coles mixtape Friday night lights or something. Go do that right now. Especially if your a big fan of the old kanye sound, the real kanye sound. Hopefully he doesnt end up like kanye too.
Also yesterday morning the great Colt Brennan was in a car accident and was hurt badly.... i just cry on the inside thinking about it. And shut up about what i just said. Colt Brennan is the best colliegant QB of all time. Led Hawaii to an undegefeated season, top 10 BCS ranking. Broke records, who cares about the dam sugar bowl. I really hope he is ok. He is a huge part of Hawaii football tradition.
im stupid at night, i just bought the last airbender movie. my deal is that people who watched the whole show never got to see the movie. So im going to do my best to watch it and say how awesome it is.
Random Crazy No SLeep talking time
I really reallly really really love Ella, and yes im about to babble sleepyish about her. She is really cool and awesome. Yes she lives far away. Yes i live far away. But i dont care i love her. I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.
She is just the best friend ever. Were more then friends but really she is like my best friend. The best friend im going to marry. I really love talking to her. She is really smart and omg im using really a billion times right now. oww my ankle!
it just fell asleep....
ANyways i love Ella alot. Being friends is what made us so close. And uh well apperently she wanted to be closer. Its been almost 3 years so far. Took me a long time to get to the point where i could tell the world about this and not care what you all think. Part of that has to do with her almost being 17 but hey errr ok i like not getting in trouble.
I use to say and mean it too, but i would of sold my soul to be the same age as her, dam just to be closer in age. But she has really worn me down and worked me past age issues. Yes she has had to work me past age issues constantly. But i still call myself an old man and tell her i want a cane so i can limp around and complain about you younins.
In alll honesty she is pretty much older then me. Much more mature then me. Im most likely to play in the dirt and she is most likely to scold me for doing so lol. She is WAY more responsible then me. 90% of the time i act like im 5. She has told me thats one of the things she likes about me. I just make life seem more fun.
You know this is weird. I mean im older then her but she likes me because i make life less serious. Isnt it suppose to be the other way around.
I keep thinking about her father. I know he wants me dead and or in jail. But i want him to get past the bad infection in his arm. I know hill probally always hate me. I mean if i was him i would hate me forever too. Im lazy, stupid, immature, im a writer who cant spell right or use correct grammar. Im useless. And im dating his daughter. WOuldnt you hate me too?
I think when Ella turns 17 ill feel less wrong. Ive said her age before in here. But im pretty sure some of the new readers of this didnt know her age. For that i say sorry. Im 22. she is 16. Are birthdays are like 5 days apart. Please hate me if you like. I want you to. I deserve to be hated. I deserve to be beatup for this. I deserve to be in jail for liking a 16 yr old from this far away. But in the end. I love her. I really do, more then the world itself. I will love her for as long as i live and then some.
You can put me in jail but afterwards ill be with her and shell be with me and youll have changed nothing. Were going to be together no matter what. And if you want to put me in jail for it. Go right on ahead. Hey if you want to use this informantion in here to judge me, determine who i am. Go right ahead. But all i ask is, what if your true love was someone younger then you like this. What if the world would think you were wrong? Would you say its not worth it? Would you take away love from her life for as long as he or she lives? Could you kill there heart like that just to be normal?
I have no regrets. I have helped Ella thru alot. Her life is far from easy. Im happy to be here to help her thru all her problems. I know i was put in her life this early to get her thru it. We were ment to meet one day but i guess life realized i was needed sooner then expected and threw me in the fire early. This was a life decision not a me decision.
I love her, she loves me, and we want to talk about books and stuff.
*yawns* im worn out from attempting to live blog the pistons game from last night and then doing a summary of the game. Then wasting a few hours trying to get on a site that didnt work with the new new internet explorer.
Oh wowwww i really hate how i put bad music on my ipod so i have bad music on my ipod...
SO yeah i kinda have my story stuff broke down, but i have a paper due in accounting, yes... accounting paper... A research project coming up in my stupid computer class that i try to tweet about while im in it. And i have my internship paper due by end of the semester. But i will make time for my story.
Also i wanna continue...oh f*ck this ive been having problems typing right ever since i tried to type "politically correct" for the pistons game summary.... now im having a hard time writing like myself... give me a minute...
Please take time to hear some awesome music you should buy during this brief intermission.
Ok OK OK i think im ready to write like myself again. Hope you enjoyed are brief intermission entertainment.
Uhhh where was i again >.>
oh yeah. stuff.
Anyways i want to keep trying to do game summaries of the pistons games and get them on some sites and maybe roll that into something more. Also i want to do a really really really good report thing on Austin Daye.
*random word moment*
To Fly To Fly
to escape from my life. to run further then anyone else. to hide from the world in a place not yet touched by life.
i really wish i could just escape into space and live in the darkness, live in the quiet. live without this needless air that fils my lungs.
Err yeah i just had this random need today to write junk like that. It was better earlier in the day but i kind of forgot how it went. Its not suppose to be anything its just like what i felt. Sometimes my feelings just like turn into words in my head. I don't really try to write like that at all.
This is why i dont like writing normal, its throwing off my whole me thing. I keep thinking about making this good, i never cared about this before. ima just close my eyes and write whatever comes out...
Oh i bought a ton of books even though i cant afford them... i bought BOOKS ~the triology of the Gospel according to Larry books. the first book really affected me after my dad died.
~On the devil's court. its about a high school dude who moves to seatle and sells his soul to be good at basketball. His life is kind of shitty and he just falls back on basketball which isnt going much better.
~Slam. another high school basketball one about inner city basketball stars who are taking 2 different paths to the top.
~Maniac Magee about a homeless kid that always runs. no joke thats bascially it. but its really really really good.
I read all these books growing up but the last two gospel according to lary books. The basketball ones are really good. They kind of explain how i became me growing up. Though i did look at each book differently then everyone else did. Especially the Maniac Magee one, apperently it was about racism and i never noticed that >.<
Not much has really happened since the last blog post i just wanted to write because life is being a real straight b*tch right now. And i constantly feel like im writing bad....
Oh if you follow my twitter @cazjuice youll know ive watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World every night for the last 5 nights....
**foggy cloud smoke and sad dream music** <--obviously flashback time <---
Awhile back i was really really really depressed about Ella being gone for a really really really long time. (yes i know nothing in my life really changed)
I had just spent 2 months in the middle of nowhere manistee michigan on an internship. There is nothing to do there, even the locals told me there was nothing to do... i asked.. alot. Always same answer.... jerks..
Anyways last day of job, i packed up all my crap in like minutes, left a note for the cousins because i failed at finding them before i left. And i drove back home at the literal speed of light.
I did a 3 hour trip basically in 2 >.> dont uhh tell the cops and junk.
I raced into town. Went to best buy. Bought hard drive cover for the old hard drive out of my old laptop that i broke during my stay in the middle of nowhere. Out of anger at not being able to get online to wait for Ella >.>
up north was a really bad time for me...... lets just leave it at that please...
And at best buy i bought a $50 itunes card. And then drove downtown to the Rave <-- movie building place <-- Manistee had no movie theaters!!! that should be illegal i swear.
I saw scott pilgrim vs the world was in the theater and read a little about it upnorth and wanted to see it.
*long pause*
And then i saw the movie
*another long pause*
The movie was just all my relationships throw right into my face for like an hour and a half.
Dated the hair color changing girl. She broke my heart bad.... Dated two girls at once... Dated a high schooler.... Oh and im constantly fighting for El la....
I don't remember how i got home from the movie. I just remember suddenly being in my brothers room and talking to them about stuff.
SO anyways Scott Pilgrim vs The World is my ultimate depressive movie. Im about to watch it some more after im done with this.
Dont get me wrong its a great movie. It doesnt depress me as much as it use too.
This blog is getting way longer then it should be for random writing. And im getting tired. If you read this. your awesome. And if you have a twitter i can list you and keep you up to date on my blog instead of being selfish and tweeting this blog out randomly to all my followers.
Also if you have a twitter and read this and tell me you did ill personally thank you for doing so. Well as personal as you can get on twitter lol.
I like to write and stuff. Mostly about random things, i hope to turn this into money one day, you should be happy you get to read all this for free right now
