Life Update

Well good news. I talked to Ella for 30 minutes. Bad news, her father moved her to her aunts house to get her away from her sister and me. 2 birds one stone it seems like.

And if you've read these posts in detail you know exactly what ive been talking about the whole time and how im willing to publicly talk about this though this is extremely frowned upon.

You cannot help who your supose to love. You can either devote your life to them knowing its the purest form of love you'll ever find your you can leave them and never love anyone the same again. I know the road i chose. I chose it for her. No one will like me, no will like this. I never said it was right. All i can do is thank those few people out there who understand.

Ive had other opprotunities so many times now since meeting Ella. But i cant leave her. I dont know why sometimes. Its so easy to be evil, horrible, wrong, to do things i shouldnt. But i cant. Ella has my heart, and if i left her my life would end without her.

Some very close friends of mine just had a family death. There mother died. I wont say much for privacy reasons. But she died like my father did =/ One of the lil girls in the family is the same age i was when it happned to me... Pray for them please, there good people.

Depression is here to stay i believe, sorry. Though im having spurts of normalness. Ella has really helped with that. But when she isnt around she cant keep the panic attacks away...

Ran away the other day after freaking out. Ended up at my sisters, Beth, No one was there i thought so i stood outside the back door. Javy came out and was like whats up? I had him play basketball with me. That saved my butt big time.... Every shot made life just melt away a little at a time till i was left with my soul alone. It was cold and rainy. I can shoot anything from a frozen flat basketball while standing on ice to a football into a hoop lol. Javy young still, doesnt have that kind of experience. I jumped out to a 17-2 lead, we were playing 21. All jump shots by me pretty much, nice ones too. then we finished 21-10 -.- dudes always gotta fight back... bout two shots when off the back of the rim... and he got let back in the game... i should of ended it. I did end on a nice lil dip pump and big left side step mini fade for the win. I always fall back into lil kid two handed chucks to win the game, i can hit those from litterally anywhere no matter what kinda D you put on me. Half court. Three point. hit me while i shoot, tackle, dont matter, its going it when i take that kinda shot at the end of the game. Its upsetting that i dont use my nice form =/ but hey i rather win then look nice.

Rajon Rondo raaawwwwrrrr

As you can tell that was a spurt of normal >.< so yea. Life is messy right now... And i forgot Ella thinks im cute >////> so i have to watch how i act around her or uhh she starts getting worked up over me >///////////////< its cute when she like that though =/ i better watch myself or ill rant for pages about her cutenss lol. ive been doing that to friends lately >/////////>

So as for me, im looking for internships, if you need me in south carolina, i will happily move. other then that, unless its instate, michigan, i probaly couldnt move. but im open to anything. So contact me if your interested in a business educated adult. By the way, if you dont hire me, your making a big mistake. Everyone should hire me when it comes to business.

Ok music time. i bought that B.o.B album the adventures of bobby ray, its great, love the sound. Not the story sound of Kanye, lupe, or common. But his sound is very fresh, very clean, its something you should own. I own it now. i love it.

watch out for steven nash, the lakers mite let the suns make it a 7 game series, steve nash mite take that chance and win with it. Look out for a Suns vs Magic finals. Id pick the suns. barely, it would be a great series for sure. Though Lakers Celtics would be cool. Lakers shut down too much. and steve nash jumping on that this year.

well my blog is getting overly long again. oh i got some 100 dollar gift car for advertising on google. But i was like that would really help my blog, but then again maybe too much publicity wouldnt be good >.< i think this stuff is true enough to be known underground. I dont want to be known, i only want my words to be heard. And after that, you can all do what you wish with them, i trust you.

Depression mode wooo.

Yea its about that time. Its been near 3 months with no Ella =/ so yea the bomb has dropped and there hiding the kniges lol jk. Oddly the more i get depressed the more normal i act, so no one ever notices. Im done with this semester. Last class was last night. We had a test, we got done in an hour lol. I got a 25 dollar itunes card, only spend ten cuz Mr Hudsons straight chaser isnt on itunes!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want that so bad. its such a great album.... So my depression is pissed off at itunes.

Oh my nephew averie had his first communion sunday. sisters greatest excuse to drink a years worth of wine. Im not joking, she goes all out on her kids holy communions, she passed out on her couch while asking me to go with her to get more wine -.-

We played 21 i was winning with 18, that i scored with 7 people on the court. then they all left -.- so it was me and javy so he won.... some serious bull. Im tired of losing.... Especially on that crap. Im still trying to regain the summer form. Im so much closer. once i pull it together its going to be so nice.

Ive been playing alot of uncharted 2 lately. If you follow my tweets, u know that already. If you play the game, i love camping, and now you probally hate me lol.

I need to get an internship to graduate next semester -.- some serious bull since they just changed that for me...

I dont feel like adding music to this. That mite make you few peopl who read this be happy. Oh by the way, when i get depressed real bad i try to kick everyone out my life so when i end it, it doesnt hurt anyone lol.

I really want the cavs to lose in the playoffs, lebron isny a good enough of a player to deserve a ring. So go magic and bosto and Lakers and Spurs lol.

by the way, i do all this odd spacing so its easier to read and not all crunched together.

Ive been quiet on twitter lately for obvious previously stated reasons lol.

and if you want music. Right now im listening to Cooler then me~Mike Posner Ft.Big Sean. and Up Up and away by Kid Cudi is really good too.

Also Perfect jumpers are the most beautiful body motion in the world, its like sex for the soul. If you read my tweets you already know how much i love the pefect jumper. It feels so great. You jump perfectly, you release perfectly, it arcs perfectly, and it falls thru the net and snaps beautifully. I love it.

and B.O.Bs airplanes is really good. I wish i could afford his album. He has that commercial style of rapping *prefers story telling rapping like kanye and lupe and common* but its a breath of fresh air.

all i have to say....

"i could really use a wish right now"

*stares off and walks out the backdoor not being able to stand the momment he lives in*

i think its about time.

I got some feedback from the last blog >//////< so i think i need to do another one tonight. Its been hard to find time for this since my semester is coming to an end. Plus well this seems like the best chance ive ever had to meet Ella. If hunch is right, it seems im getting a supprised visit from Ella and her parents >.< future inlaw sneak attack. She just got her lisense so its either trip up here or vacation trip. But this is still the best odds ever honestly. So ive snapped out of my depression from now till the chance disapears one way or another.

So yea right now its school, or waiting for possibility of Ella or trying to distract self from all that so i dont have a panic attack >.< Oh since last blog, when i was in e-business the other week, Ella came online, but i missed it v.v but she sent me an offline message and replied to one of my emails, she said she loves me always and dont fall apart on her. So basically shill make it thru for me as long as i make it thru for her. Sorry about typing, rushed so not enough time to be politically corect. so yea Ella loves me! woo!!! and i love her more then anything, more then anything ever, more then the present, more then the past, more then future, and more then it all rolled into one times a sideways 8. so right now im my overly happy self till something happens >.<

Oh i have zombie car now. My car started dying monday, but it keeps coming back to life, so thats why its now zombie car lol. Im suprisenly happy for a guy who is broke, has a zombie car, and mite be meeting the future inlaws any day now. Oh and im hunching off what Ella told a cousin who told another cousin who told me. So im pretty much mind reading this all atm. But its still the best chance ever.

THis one is pretty much a Life Update so ima end on a good song for you all. Thank you for reading, please enjoy the music.

OMG~ Usher and Will.I.Am

Letter in a Bottle

I know this is crazy, but i must admit at this point i am far past crazy. This blog will be a letter to Ella. I hope for the chance of a dream. You never know who reads what and tells who about it. You never know. So here i go, pouring out my soul to the girl i love for everyone to see.

Dear Ella

I still can't believe how we met. The accident of me meeting your cousins then the luck of meeting you. I kept wondering why i couldn't get enough of you and i wonder how i feel i always need you. For what attracts me to you isn't your looks though your more beautiful then each flower i want to give you. Your beautiful mind. The uniqueness that is your mind. The words you say, the thoughts you think. The pure beauty that is your mind. This is what attracts me to you.

Its been over a year now and are life together seems to get crazier with each passing month. Sometimes i wish we could just run off together, live together for as long as possible. Maybe somewhere warm near a beach. I want to spend the rest of my life with you as you do with me. I wish, i hope, i dream, i demand that fate let us be together. All i want from Life Ella is to love you, every minute of the day in every way possible. not just now, not just tomarrow, but the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that in an endless cycle to never end.

Its been about exactly a month this time. I know this isnt as long as the 3 months weve spent apart. But i have a feeling that this time around may last longer and be far worse. All i want from life is for you to be happy, to live a good life, to do good in school, to eat, to be safe. Even if you do this all without me its ok, just as long as you are happy then im happy.

I miss listening to you talk about what books your reading
I miss the soft touch of your lips on mine
I miss how you care so much about everything
I miss the way you speak so intelligently
I miss how you love me even though im not perfect, im so far from perfect.

I love you blue eyes, i love your glasses, i love your kisses, i love your words. I would sell my soul to spend a minute with you, because that one minute could get me thru an enternity of hell without trouble. You are an angel, pure perfection sent down to earth. I am more then lucky to have you in my life.

One day we will get married, will say i do, will kiss. One day will have kids, will kiss, theyll go eww. One day will grow old together, each day ill cherish just as much as the last one. All i want from life is to love you every possible second that exists in my life. I love you Ella, more then words can explain.

I love Ellany Maria Barwell, and i want the world to know. Ella i hope this makes its way to you somehow, one way or another.

*rolls up the letter carefully* *puts the letter in a bottle *tightly closes the bottle* *stares out at the sun over the ocean infront of him *closes his eyes*breaths* *throws the bottle as far as he can into the water* maybe, somehow, it'll find you Ella, this may only be a dream for a chance of hope. But its all i have and i won't give up.

Watching Good Will Hunting

put this out there b4 i continue, falling to pieces, depression at that bad time. so anyways back to this blog thingy.

SO yea im watching Good Will Hunting, thats what i do at times like this. Oddlly im very self destructive, i do things that make it worse.

I think i won my fantasy basketball league tonight. Im not sure but if i did, woohoo. All luck becuz i had carmelo on the bench most the year lol.

oops wandered off mid blog, where was i.

if i had one wish it would be to be next you.

I dont know what to write about. Life kinda sucks and it makes it hard to blog or what ever. Plus i mostly tweeted everything by now.

i think ill find something cool for you to look at for now.



so yea ive been listening to that song a flippen ton.

Im trying to keep this blog depression free so not much to talk about. I have class tomarrow, HW do in morning and test at night, bag in my car which is somewhere else.... yea... sucks right now.



The Cavs and lebron lost today to Jesus Shuttlesworth and the celtics lol.

Falling fast, falling apart which each passing second.

Yea i hope i dont have my human resources test tomarrow morning, cuz then ill really need my bag with all my homework in it... but i just remembered, if i can find the HW online, i have my book for that class here, i can do it still woo.



Im worrying like crazy about Ella right now... im starting to get scared that this time apart will make her cold hearted and hate people.... or worse... just i said i wouldnt talk about this stuff *breaths*

good will hunting..... i hate this part... skylar, tall, Ella is tall then she talks about how she can dunk and play basketball. Ella plays basketball.... wait, sorry, i must talk about other stuff.



Its been raining alot tonight. i like it, real cold but i have my window wide open.

my car just showed up so ima do homework now, if you read this, power to yea. night people

Officially burnt out

supprise supprise its been 3 years at KVCC and im burnt out on school. Who saw that coming. With the semester almost over im just mailing it in. I dont pay attention in class at all. Im just there randomly in the back of class staring at the wall day dreaming away.

I must admit, i play my best basketball in blue, yellow, and black nikes. Its wearing i had a pair in grade school and i was real good, and i stole/was given a pair last year that were old and use to be my brother timmys. Ive been playing real good in them too.

Yes i am litterally convince i have died and this is my hell. Odd thing to say but im just being randomly honest. And also i should be asleep since i only got a hour of sleep last night.

My internet is being stupid and really slow right now -.-

I keep having bad night day dreams about Ella coming back and telling she is leaving me for someone else... its not that i dont trust her its that i dont trust other people near her. I mean she is perfect and all why wouldnt anyone else want her?

Yea i know im having stupid mood swings lately like a crazy person. I honestly cant help it. Its not really mood swings i think, i think im extremely depressed with a side of suprise happiness from time to time.

1st greatest dream: Marry Ella and have lil kiddies that i will teach to call there grampa smelly butt face. Just dont tell Ella i taught them that >.>

2nd greatest dream: if first one doesnt happen.... ima just drop everything and instead of jumping off building/bridge ima just leave my life and try to make it in basketball i mean thats so stupid that its like dieing. Plus you never know.

3rd greatest dream: Marry Ella and have lil kiddies that i will teach to call there grampa smelly butt face. Just dont tell Ella i taught them that >.>


I hate public speaking class. Its a class where we talk about talking.... in public....

one of my hopes in basketball is to one day play lebron. Then shove him alot everytime he gets the ball, i hope he twists his ankle.

I have a sleep deprived headache, i hate these so much...

Todays goals: sleep till 4, hopefully get my car back b4 i have to be to class. come back, grab ps3, hopefully sis left fooling around money for me and nephews, rent NBA 2k10, fool around with it lol. Im really not up to another hardcore game of 21 >.< though i know javy wants to beat me bad right now. Then sleep some more. then play around some more then tell my sis we did flash cards while running laps rofl.

I wonder if somethings arent ment to be. I miss my F you life ima do wat i want attitude... Goddddd i miss being me, i miss being around her. Im not the same without her. I need her so bad.... i miss her so much.... anything i have you can have, soul included, if you can get me next to her. minimum ten seconds. Thats a promise.

Ok on that depressing note ima take my nap so i dont go crazy tonight.

What you mean i dont matter?

Ok so i wanted to start out with the song that inspired me to talk about my whole life all at once suddenly. So listen to that and ill think about what ill right next.

Ok so i was born in 89 and the last of 6 kids. Yes the last one. I was born at that time where your parents dont care no more. The closest sib to me is my sister and she is like 26, im 21. I was pretty much forgotten. I was there, quiet, just watching everyone. My sibs didnt care much for me. Most of them were gone. I have grown up around my family constantly, but never with them. If anything me and my closest sib, krystal, are real close, we dont see each other enough, but were tight. She understands me the best, more then anyone else in my family, not as much as my mom though.

So yea childhood for me was nice in its own way. Since no one paid attention to me no one told me what to do. i had the unique opprotunity in life to decide who i was and what kind of person i would be. I learned from everything i saw. When i saw a sib mess up i knew that i shouldnt do that. I dont know i just figured stuff out, even if they looked like they were having fun i knew it was wrong. I kind of raised myself on the inside, decided who i would be on my own.

My Dad was around but he wasnt around alot either. We did stuff on weekends, he was here, but just here usually. I saw him alot, he was a very hard worker, he had his own business. Then the tax problems set in. The money problems, My Dad moved out, then my sister krystal left when she was 16 or 17. I saw him alot, weekends, summers, when we needed money. He moved in with my oldest brother kevin till he got his own place next to the shop he owned, which he eventually sold to his best friend becuz of the tax problems they had with the shop.

They think i stayed here with my Mom becuz i was too little to do anything else. There wrong, i stayed by choice, i took care of my Mom, then and im still doing it now. My father was one of the nicest people you would ever meet, he took care of us. He made sure we never fell to far. Took care of us so much. But he couldnt finish with me. I never needed him, i got myself.

I learned alot from my Dad, by just watching him live life, i learned to not smoke, not to put work ahead of family, i learned how to treat everyone with respect, how to work hard, and i learned how to be a man. I learned how to be a man by watching him leave. Showed me what not to do. That to be a real man, you have to stay and take care of your life. When your connected to someone like your wife, you cant run away from her. By him leaving and me staying i learned how to work anything out.

Not many know, but when my father died in the 8th grade, it wasnt oh no he's gone, my father is dead. It was who going to help me my future car, with life in high school, college, who going to do christmas. Thats all he ever was. Years after that, i did christmas on my own, for my whole family or just for the people living here. My fam helped kick in for a car for me. And all in all i got a grant that got me this far thru college.

I never expected to make it to college after he died, i didnt see a point. I was poor before he died, but after he was gone, it was all downhill. Lowest points of my life. Sibs tried to help, but they didnt do much. My sister Krystal always helps me fill out college forms so i can make it. I love my sister.

Ive learned alot from watching my sibs live. Ive seen drunk driving, Babies when they were just in high school, divorces. Smoking probolems even when there own father had two heart attacks. Ive learned what not to do.

The years after my dad was gone were hard. My mom had it hard all around, she misses him so much. She had a horrible job that she had to escape. The day she quit it i was stuck out at my school for around 8 hours waiting for her.

My sibs grew up so differently then me, they never had to deal with days when you wouldnt know how you would eat. Wouldnt know if the next day would be ok. If was hard. I made it in the end though somehow. Kanye Wests music helped me so much after my dad died. Helped me stay a good person. Ive never messed with drinking or drugs, never done stupid stuff. I owe alot of that to my nephews and niece. Being a role model for them.

One of my brothers, closest in age to me, he 31. After my dad i stayed with him and my other brother, 32, alot. At there apaartment. The 31 yr old, still does and did have a drinking problem. Had a few abusive momments. Experiencing that makes me never want to drink. Being scared for my own life because he was drinking. He lives here with me and my mom now. He still drinks. But when i got older, and he had his abusive momments, he realized i was older, and well i showed him how it was going to be from now on.

Ive learned alot from people's mistakes. I feel like ive raised myself alot thru out life. I dont get along well with alot of my sibs. They know my Dad as there hero and hate my mom. I know my dad as the guy that left me and my mom. I saw my mom work in a hostile working enviroment, she worked at a church too. Weve made it thru so much. Im doing my best to make sure she is ok when i leave, im moving away from this all in about two years. I may never see my mom again. Im just trying to make sure she can take care of herself when im gone.

So pretty much i barely made it out of high school, then suddenly grant money showed up and im in my third year of comunity college, almost lost it last year, but i kept it somehow. Its all gone this semester with one more semester to go. All my watching and understanding has made me seemily built for phychology, but i have to pass on it, i gotta take care of Ella, so i gotta get this business associates and provide for her. Im going to marry her in two years, its the soonest we can. I know ive gone crazy, but at this point i dont care if she is her or he, old or young, where she's from, even if she is human, i just have to be with her forever.

Sorry this is so long, but this is my life, its been rough and all that, but i stay me and im going to succeed at life, no matter how much life trys to hold me back. Thank you for reading this.