Friday, March 5, 2010

What you mean i dont matter?

Ok so i wanted to start out with the song that inspired me to talk about my whole life all at once suddenly. So listen to that and ill think about what ill right next.

Ok so i was born in 89 and the last of 6 kids. Yes the last one. I was born at that time where your parents dont care no more. The closest sib to me is my sister and she is like 26, im 21. I was pretty much forgotten. I was there, quiet, just watching everyone. My sibs didnt care much for me. Most of them were gone. I have grown up around my family constantly, but never with them. If anything me and my closest sib, krystal, are real close, we dont see each other enough, but were tight. She understands me the best, more then anyone else in my family, not as much as my mom though.

So yea childhood for me was nice in its own way. Since no one paid attention to me no one told me what to do. i had the unique opprotunity in life to decide who i was and what kind of person i would be. I learned from everything i saw. When i saw a sib mess up i knew that i shouldnt do that. I dont know i just figured stuff out, even if they looked like they were having fun i knew it was wrong. I kind of raised myself on the inside, decided who i would be on my own.

My Dad was around but he wasnt around alot either. We did stuff on weekends, he was here, but just here usually. I saw him alot, he was a very hard worker, he had his own business. Then the tax problems set in. The money problems, My Dad moved out, then my sister krystal left when she was 16 or 17. I saw him alot, weekends, summers, when we needed money. He moved in with my oldest brother kevin till he got his own place next to the shop he owned, which he eventually sold to his best friend becuz of the tax problems they had with the shop.

They think i stayed here with my Mom becuz i was too little to do anything else. There wrong, i stayed by choice, i took care of my Mom, then and im still doing it now. My father was one of the nicest people you would ever meet, he took care of us. He made sure we never fell to far. Took care of us so much. But he couldnt finish with me. I never needed him, i got myself.

I learned alot from my Dad, by just watching him live life, i learned to not smoke, not to put work ahead of family, i learned how to treat everyone with respect, how to work hard, and i learned how to be a man. I learned how to be a man by watching him leave. Showed me what not to do. That to be a real man, you have to stay and take care of your life. When your connected to someone like your wife, you cant run away from her. By him leaving and me staying i learned how to work anything out.

Not many know, but when my father died in the 8th grade, it wasnt oh no he's gone, my father is dead. It was who going to help me my future car, with life in high school, college, who going to do christmas. Thats all he ever was. Years after that, i did christmas on my own, for my whole family or just for the people living here. My fam helped kick in for a car for me. And all in all i got a grant that got me this far thru college.

I never expected to make it to college after he died, i didnt see a point. I was poor before he died, but after he was gone, it was all downhill. Lowest points of my life. Sibs tried to help, but they didnt do much. My sister Krystal always helps me fill out college forms so i can make it. I love my sister.

Ive learned alot from watching my sibs live. Ive seen drunk driving, Babies when they were just in high school, divorces. Smoking probolems even when there own father had two heart attacks. Ive learned what not to do.

The years after my dad was gone were hard. My mom had it hard all around, she misses him so much. She had a horrible job that she had to escape. The day she quit it i was stuck out at my school for around 8 hours waiting for her.

My sibs grew up so differently then me, they never had to deal with days when you wouldnt know how you would eat. Wouldnt know if the next day would be ok. If was hard. I made it in the end though somehow. Kanye Wests music helped me so much after my dad died. Helped me stay a good person. Ive never messed with drinking or drugs, never done stupid stuff. I owe alot of that to my nephews and niece. Being a role model for them.

One of my brothers, closest in age to me, he 31. After my dad i stayed with him and my other brother, 32, alot. At there apaartment. The 31 yr old, still does and did have a drinking problem. Had a few abusive momments. Experiencing that makes me never want to drink. Being scared for my own life because he was drinking. He lives here with me and my mom now. He still drinks. But when i got older, and he had his abusive momments, he realized i was older, and well i showed him how it was going to be from now on.

Ive learned alot from people's mistakes. I feel like ive raised myself alot thru out life. I dont get along well with alot of my sibs. They know my Dad as there hero and hate my mom. I know my dad as the guy that left me and my mom. I saw my mom work in a hostile working enviroment, she worked at a church too. Weve made it thru so much. Im doing my best to make sure she is ok when i leave, im moving away from this all in about two years. I may never see my mom again. Im just trying to make sure she can take care of herself when im gone.

So pretty much i barely made it out of high school, then suddenly grant money showed up and im in my third year of comunity college, almost lost it last year, but i kept it somehow. Its all gone this semester with one more semester to go. All my watching and understanding has made me seemily built for phychology, but i have to pass on it, i gotta take care of Ella, so i gotta get this business associates and provide for her. Im going to marry her in two years, its the soonest we can. I know ive gone crazy, but at this point i dont care if she is her or he, old or young, where she's from, even if she is human, i just have to be with her forever.

Sorry this is so long, but this is my life, its been rough and all that, but i stay me and im going to succeed at life, no matter how much life trys to hold me back. Thank you for reading this.

1 comment:

  1. You have had a pretty tough life huh? You know I really think its amazing how much you care about that ella girl. Its really impressive you know? I've not really had anyone care for me like that actually sometimes I think its impossible you know? The whole carrot top thing I have going on and the rage problems. But it makes me feel better that some people can still care so much about someone. And you should do what you need to do. I've been saving for college on minimum wage since I was 16. I really hope you have a good life. Goodluck