Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I dont know what to call this

Anyways ive been waiting a few weeks now. There will be a reason. It will make sense. And yes it will make me worry about her. But till then im just waiting day after day after day after day trying my best to stay sane. Its getting kind of annoying after all this time.

I know i chose this life, i agreed to what it would be. But honestly im litterally infront of a laptop 24/7 365.. i plan my days around it. I wait i wait i wait. Im have to. This is my life force and all that. My only connection to her.

by the way thanks for not being so judgemental.

I just kind of sit here and stare at my laptop for weeks waiting for something to happen.

I may explode if i find out she's making me wait on purpose.... A friend did that to me bout 2 months ago... it wasnt pretty. When im mad i get angry and maybe hit things. when i want to kill something i become mean and hurtful and break watever made me mad in the most painful way. Which mostly leads to attacks on the soul. I hate that about me personally. I naturally know how to make a person feel as worse as they can... I do my best to never do that though. I never do it but it slips evey year or so.

This is pretty much why i started blogging, its something i can do on my laptop while i wait.

I miss basketball, i miss playing catch, i miss my family. I still do that stuff, but its always a risk if i do it late in the day. mornings are a foreign topic to me. I spend my nights waiting and hoping.

Seriously though i have the patience of a tree, not a monk, but a fricken tree. I can wait forever and ever and ever.

im in like a 5x5 room waiting. I cant just walk away without first checking the time, make sure i wont be gone too long or too far away, and make sure i leave warnings to why im gone. Then i leave and feel guilty as hell while im gone.

For the last few years my family has gotten mad at me

Fam: "justin can you come over for a minute?"

Me: "umm im not sure >.>"

Fam: "why not?"

Me: "i dont know"

Fam: "yes or no....."

me: "no >.>"

Fam: "bye..."

Call me anytime after 5 pm and i just cant leave to go help you. You have to be very convincing to get me to risk leaving for a bit. It feels like i leave a large part of me behind when i leave.

Its my only connection to her. I just wait and hope that something mite happen that will make her show up and talk to me.

Before you go making assumption about how maybe she just doesnt want to talk to me. She get busy, has troubles with getting on to talk to me, school, computer. And if you think she mite be lying to me, ill meet you in the parking lot around 4 pm.

also if your wondering why my words are so scattered in these blogs its because its how i think. thought after thought after thought right after another in short periods of time. Like every few seconds. Sorry.

Anyways im going to go back to waiting somemore. If you see me tweeting, im waiting, if you dont see me tweeting im probally just to far gone while im waiting so im just reading my timeline for a few hours...

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Rain Rain Go Away

Ok first off i actually do like the rain but "depression depression go away" seemed like too long of a title. Ok now that we got this out of the air.

If you read my blogs, which like now 3 people do. More like one but she says i do a really good job. I deleted the last blog. It was very personal and talked about the worst experiences of my life. All that suicidal depression stuff thats not too important.

Since i blogged that all out ive been feeling more like myself. I havent felt like myself in half a year if not longer. Last night i spent a few hours with my sisters. I think that help, though one was drunk, but that made everything more funnier.


Ok now if your not confused slightly about that im trying to write about then your a mind reading and you have to read anymore. But if your normal keep reading.

I want to write about how happy she makes me. I dont know why i started thinking about that. But i just sat down and something made me remember stuff. My brain works like that. Its weird i know


The thing i remembered was how she told me to say emotional instead of emo. How it wasnt right to call them emo. Ok if you know me in person you know that i stand up against any kind of indifference. I dont racial generalization. Stuff like thatl I really dont like anything like that. Honestly she suprised the heck out of me. It was something i would do. I thought it was so awesome. She was so cool. Yes i know i sound stupid right now but its how i felt.


Books are kind of a big deal for Ella. Some people breath air and Ella reads books. She could read before she could talk. Well she says she could talk she just prefered to read instead. Honestly even though im older i seriously think she learned to read before me >.>

I like to read, i need books with lots of info and things to think about. Basically good books make my mind think about more then just the words on the page. I use to talk alot to Ella about what books she was reading. i havent done that enough lately and i regret that greatly.

Also when i first met her all i wanted to do was listen to her talk about books she was reading. I know your not alone, her cousins thought i was really weird too.

Maybe one day me and Ella will right a book

Assorted Random Stuff

We both rant. About stuff. Im sorry were those people who if you say the wrong/right thing will start talking about it for 5 minutes straight with no end. Even worse is that we enjoy listening to each other rant >.>

I think later on were going to become one of those super happy couples that give advice to everyone and everyone will hate us for it >.<

I going to try and keep this as happy as i can. But with me being all yeah its kind of hard.


When we first met she blushed a ton. I didnt know that till one of her younger cousins told me. She use to rub her arm and blush alot when she talked to me. I honestly had no idea. I was just talking to this really smart interesting cool awesome person that i never wanted to stop talking to. And yes i know how did it not seem obvious to me. But i had no idea that she liked me or that i even liked her. Im a guy im oblivious to my own feelings, what would you honestly expect.

She still blushs alot after all this time. And she still makes me insanely nervous from time to time. I guess with are lack of communication i feel a need to capitalize on it when it does happy and not just spend time with her. two street of faults here.

sorry about the random inserts of thoughts. but yeah i do call this the randomness of a unkept mind. by the way, screw proper english and grammer!

Explaining time and stuff

If your still wondering about time spending and distance and all that, wonder no more. You see way back i caught a fish with a coin in it and it granted me one wish. My one wish was to be able to teleport anywhere. Im a lazy person ill admit it, and teleporting makes life so much easier. So anyways i just teleport to the fridge and stuff and to Ella.

If you believe that then the internet is run by magical fairys and i got a sweet deal with this nigerian prince dude and all you have to do is loan me half the bank transfer costs.

I know ive talked about this before but i would like to again. Long distance is impossible, especially if it never started close. By the way i hate couples who move away and split up and agree to see other people but get back together when there one day closer... Seriously? that stuff is just so wrong.

Ok back on topic!



long distance closeness

Bascailly ive learned when dealing with long distance you have to do all you possibly can to make it feel like your right next to the person. Also it doesnt help when your girlfriend is a super book reader and has no idea reading words and imagining them. But i have to put alot of effort into making it seem like im there. IF i dont then its just not good... Its alot of talking and symbols and showing how much i love her. Its like sending my spirit to her so she can have me or something or other.


i just cant wait till im dome with waiting. I know im waiting for her but its been years >.< plus i really dont handle waiting well when i shouldnt be waiting >.< like if she is here and then has to do something small. It upsets me =/ its probally that seperation anxiety. My whole life i never had anything wrong with me. No allergys, no phychological barriers, no physical walls, nothing at all... And no its like im trapped in an invisibly box..


Anyways thanks for reading. I just wanted to talk about how happy she makes me. Talking about the bad stuff really helped rest my mind. I feel like its healing. I really want to pay my respect to how happy she truely makes me. I love Ella, she is a perfect angel. *pauses to let his weirdness sink in* anywho thanks. I know that many people read this but if your one of the few that does, thanks for letting my life spread to yours. In some way it kind of feels like yours spreads to mine just by you reading this *more weirdness*

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The North Pole

Im going to try and avoid too much detail about what led to my er depression and uhh thing that starts with S attemps. ANYWAYS. It proved to me that evil does exsist in our world. It beat me down, many times. And honestly i think the only reason im still here is because everytime it came close to ending i would think about how bad Ella's life would be then that i just sucked it up and stayed alive.

Death is an escape. An escape that i desperatly wanted for myself. But i couldnt take it, i just had to last out the pain brought upon me. Brought upon by her sister... Im not going to discuss it, maybe one day, but not now, it is very private and.. just destructive. Its a dark place.

I dont know what gene was put in me to make me never give up no matter what, but without it i would of been dead a long time ago. I dont know if its not giving up or more of a refusal to lose. Things turned somewhat better lately. Events took place to at least dormant that dark place for the time being. I wont forget where it is. I wont sleep on it. I will be prepared next time.

Ella has been back. But lately its been all iffy. Her computer has been breaking down alot and she has had to get it repaired alot. We had a tiff over a thing. But i mean in the end im just going to do what makes her happy, i cant not make her happy. But its going to hurt eventually, because hopefully she'll want it again. I know she will but i dont want to sound rude about this. Its just me changing for her and having that change not be so good later on >.<

We talked last night for the first time in like 2 weeks. Two weeks doesnt sound that long but when your like me and have waited months upon months upon months upon months with no answer, just hope. Time just turns bad when i have to wait now. Its motionless, its like a nightmare. Waiting, feels like im floating thru space. Not the good kind either, the dark, cold, airless space. No control, just constant waiting for something to happen.

Anyways back to the point of this blog, we talked last night and just. Well those dark times were as far negative as i could go. Tonight felt like the exact opposite. It felt good, it felt happy, it felt warm. We talked about life, work, grades, friends birthdays. And this next part is kinda confusing (why does thinking about what happen make my body act all weird -.- love is so weird sometimes) i know we live far away, and i know the world has there asumptions about it. And first of all if we lived closer. Yes i would be a giant idiot but i would do anything and everything for her attention. I would run for miles just to get to her house, i would fall over on purpose to make her laugh. I would just be everything i could for her. But seeing as were not close, i do what i can. Love makes the impossible possible. Basically, i do my best to make it feel like were right next to each other. I mean seriously. When 2 people really put there minds on believing it and trying to feel that, it really does feel like there right here.

The point im trying to make is we kissed. Yes were not close to each other. But we still make each other feel those feelings of being kissed. We wrap are minds in this. We let it be believable. We let it become are reality. If you cant understand it, its ok, you dont have to. Just dont say its not real or possible.

We kissed and it felt like the polar opposite of all the bad things that have ever happened in my life. I honestly never thought i would be the same again, but right now i feel just fantastic, great, amazing, truelly happy for the first time in around a year.

I cant really explain what it did, we kissed once, then i just wanted again, and i asked again (yes i was asking >/////< ) and i was err slow >.> and she kissed me and i kinda couldnt think, i just felt. I felt weightless, i felt like i was in heaven, and i was just looking into her eyes. She was confused slightly because err i didnt make alot of sounds that sounded like words afterwards >///> just that of uhhuhs and mhms uhh anyways!!! Then my brain caught up some and said i wanted to kiss her and make her as happy as she made me, so i did and she started using less words and more sounds too lol.

Were hopeless i know lol thanks for reading.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Do You Understand?

**Blog is extra long feel free to skip around to parts you want to read**

Today im just going out to flush out all the bad thoughts ive been having lately. You know those ones you get when you spend too much time with your family. Spent the whole weekend with them so i got some stuff i gotta say.

Everyone in my family is different, we all live differently, and we all want everyone else in the family to live our way. Basically we butt heads alot of touchy issues. Like my family wanting me to buy a car that would cost all my family while i would still have to get to school. Most my family trys to live that basic american dream of a life, middle class, sububran home *obviously i cant spell very well* wife, kids, maybe a pet, you get the idea. They all learned it from dad. I hate it. I hate it so much because i remember what happened with my dad in the end. How he overextended himself trying to make it all work. How my mother did it too. They like to blame her but when your married, no matter how bad the marriage is, your still in it together.

To keep this part short. I just want to live life the way i think is right.

*random topic switch*

Ella's computer is broken again so im just like staring at her picture like constantly. I miss her alot.

Right now... uhh shouldnt of tweeted mid blog writting. Tweet: "When people judge my writting they usually say how bad its put 2gether -.- i write that way bcuzthats how i think..i want 2 express that" then the next one "broken up thoughts that happen fast paced. Its hard to read but thats how i think and i want that to show in my writting." So yeah i knew wat i was going to say then my head went in 5 different directions and i forgot.

i think i remember now. In the end i think these im going to turn this whole experience into a book. Like what i write in here. The last 3 years of my life basically. I think i need to tell the story one way or another. And honestly ive always known that ill need her to help me write it.

Im the kind of person that if you try to make me do something i dont want to that ill just stop whatever im doing, even worst ill go negative. My sister wants me to walk for my associates, if she pushs me anymore im dropping half way thru this semester, its my last semester too and im done.

my grades seem to be ok but im just stressed out constantly. Teachers arent making it easier too. Im basically winging this semester and hoping it works out.

*this blog will be really long*

I worked on my basketball game in my sisters driveway saturday afternoon, and went really hard saturday night for like half a game and we stopped. but it was like full speed stop and goes to stop then jumps as right arm is being pulled away, then pull arm back and shoot right b4 i land lol. spent whole sunday walking and doing useless crap with family. Didnt feel too bad sunday actually, woke up today, put sock on and pulled my hammy a little.... im dead serious, ive been sore as hell all day. From my arms to my legs.

*this isnt gritty truthful stuff right now* **video game alert*

Ok so i play NBA 2k11 alot right now. I start my Pistons Association which is basically liek franchise mode in madden but its basketball. Did a fantasy draft and my team is.

PG Rajon Rando
SG Goran Dragic
SF Tayshaun Prince
PF Kevin Love
C Ben Wallce
Austin Daye
Jordan Crawford
Charlie Villinueva
Ben Gordon
Darko Milicic
Josh McRoberts
Stephan Barry
Dante Cunningham

Its got as much piston blood as i could get into it. Im not a big stuckey and rip fan in the video game, its boring playing with them, sorry.

**back to my life**

You ever love someone so much that you will your heart to them. Your heart, your love, and your life. Just mentally make it leave your body and go to theres? Im attached to her in the best of ways. As she is to me. Not in the bad way, like we love each other so much that we just want to be near each other. I just love how her mind works and stuff. She reads alot which ive mention b4. She always wants to make everyone happy, she is nice to everyone, which as you probally already guessed can be bad for her sometimes. But i know this is kinda bad, but when she relaxes and just hangs out, she will laugh when things happen to people, its like if you knew it would be unbelievable, like if you stub your toe shill be like are you ok??? But when she is just perfectly relaxed shill start laughing at you lol. I know that sounds bad i just find it really cute. She just seems to act all little kid sneaky like she is enjoying a stolen cookie right infront of her mom without her mom noticing lol. Just so innoccent but yet all lil kid devious lol. It shocks me alot when that happens lol cuz shill start laughing at me lol.

I feel almost happy right now, nba 2k11 is playing that song that features kid cudi and its really good and i started thinking about Ella and kinda err ranted about her... uhh oops sorry. anyways I dont get happy very often, almost never. But i feel happy right now, i havent felt happy in a really long time. Its nice.

Thanks for reading this far down if you did. Todays blog was all over the place, i really doubt there is someone who will unnderstand everything in here.

P.S this is Akon~Angel. I have to thank him for making this song, Because Ella is an angel and i now i have a song that reminds me of that.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Those TImes

For the people who got here from my twitter, you know, your the ones that are like "he's a cool guy, i wouldnt mind checking this out" you can stop reading this now. It would save you alot of time. Best way i can explain it is, for every day there is a night. Well this stuff is my night, its not usually pretty.

Ive Been with her for almost 3 years now i think. Im starting to come to the realization that im doing what of the hardest things in the world. Alot of pain has been coming my way for awhile now. From people trying to push me toward suicide so im out of there way. To just the plain pain that comes from being in the situation im in.

The world keeps knocking me down, it breaks me down, constantly over and over and over and over again. I dont know why i keep getting back up. At this point it feels like its all i know how to do and i have to do something.

One thing i hate the most. Is when im thinking about giving up and life just throws something in my face to make me stop. Why does life keep letting it get that far? Why do i always need saving?

I want to ask her if she wants to stop what were doing. I know i love her and she loves me. Weve been told were crazy for how much we love each other. But i just cant help thinking how her life would be without me. It may be a lie, but her life would be better still. I hate people who live in the dark, but if it makes her life easier ill have her live like that...

Ive been thrown so far away from that mountain that is life. I have to walk for days just to get to the bottom. Ive always fought against failing because of me. But now im thinking about her. I dont know if she can take this anymore. Maybe its for the best if just never truely live life.

I dont want to fight for this anymore. I want to fight for her. Even if it means i have to lose the fight.