Friday, December 31, 2010


1 34 1,987,199

No this isn't that horrible movie that was more of a musical and those numbers don't represent stats or time totals. (52 weeks in a year, 168 hours in a week, 3,652.42199 days in a decade)

45 68 97

number numb3rs numbers everywhere i look. I can't escape the onslaught of numbers. There everywhere. I can't escape. I can't escape.

56 194 3 27

Today Oil is $91 Lebron James is averaging 24.4 points a game. At least 3 children died today from curable diseases.

56 1,444 6

We are swimming in a sea of numbers. How much does gas cost a gallon? ($3.09) How much money did you spend on groceries? ($76.46) How much time have you spent on the internet today? (4.32 hours)

21 34.99 12,001

Does 2+2 even equal 4 anymore? Are numbers even as constant and consistent as they use to be? Are there any 100% full provable statistics anymore? Isn't there always something they forget? Some piece of important information missing?

12 36 156,667,109.223

I wish we could live in a world without statistics and in a world of information explained in worded form for us to read and take for what we see it as. Instead seeing Ford selling at $16.69 we would see that Ford is current selling at prices of $16.22, $17.03, $16.45, $15.55, $16.74, and $16.68 in sales that equal an average of $16.69.


Numbers Numbers Numb3rs Numbers Numbers when will the numbers stop. My head is aching my heart is struggling. Why won't the numbers just stop

P.S the last series of numbers is are national debt as i type this. (

Sunday, December 26, 2010


As i crawl thru the broken glass lined cave i think about the friends i have just loss, the death i have just seen, and the death i have so acceptably walked myself into.

It all started with a kiss, so sudden, so light, so soft. It was beautiful and amazing. The moment felt like a magic spell was cast upon us and time stood still.

The battle has been raging on for its 23rd hour now. Both armies have moved nowhere. Millions have died. All the dead faces i see on the ground just become a blur now. My only focus is on surviving till my next breath.

With the stroke of a pen you paint a picture of a lush rain forest or inside a debilitated factory. With our words we created beautiful works of art that no one has ever seen before. Each story is a new world. Each poem is a new person.

A pen is my brush and the words will be my paint. May it be written out or typed. My words will create a new universe for you to explore with your mind.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Reactions to Unleash the Unicorn within

Ok so a bunch of people loved "Unleash the Unicorn within" if you missed it. Either goto this blog and go under lost in the world. Or ask me for it.

"Unleash the Unicorn within" is the first thing that ive written that ive showed my family. It of course came with the bad comments you all know ive been looking for,

Sister: "i don't understand what it means, i don't get it, i only read bits and pieces though."

Also a great aunt of mine, i believe she is my aunt, i am just straight horrible when it comes to my extended family, i apologize. Here is her reaction to it after reading it.

Aunt: "If you let the Lord lead you, those moments of frustration will be fleeting. You learn to listen to God's voice and not your own. You learn to want God's will and not your own. You learn to trust Jesus who died for you and loves you more than you can imagine. He wants the very best for your life, beyond your wildest dreams. That's my comment Justin. Love Ya! Merry Christmas!"

Not trying to make a joke of this just trying to show you all the reactions i have received. I rarely get people talking like this so this is pretty big for me.

While picking up a used tv for free from my godparents, love you guys by the way, me and my brother were talking about this and what i was doing with it. Here is his response, it won't be perfect because im trying to do it from memory.

Brother: "That is hilarious, i see what your trying to do, its funny."

I love my brother. He hasn't read it yet but he finds the ideas behind 'Unleash the Unicorn within" hilarious.

Now for the random people of the internet responses.

Btw i am now releasing some of my writings on other sites. This response comes from deviant art. I was surprised that someone favorited "Unleash the Unicorn within" so i had to ask them personally if they actually read it.

Me: "wait did you seriously read that?"

Dude: "Yes, and i thought it was brilliant! :) I read it to my little brother as well"

Me: "yes a proven reader of what ive written!!! **celebrates** thank you!"

Dude: "Haha pleasure, thank you for my three steps to becoming a unicorn haha"

This was the first proven reader of "Unleash the Unicorn within" obviously. They saw it as a literal way to becoming a unicorn, which is cool, my writing is art. I like to think as the paper as a blank canvas and my pen as a paint brush. Even though i do most my writing on a computer by typing but that sounds so much cooler.

The next response came from this actual writer named brian spaeth who likes what i write. So yeah take that world, a real writer thinks i write good. Boo yeah.

Writer Dude: "This made me lol - the exclamation pts sold it "You are a rare species of horse that is well known for its horn!!""

Yes i just quoted someone who was quoting me, im just cool like that. And i just name dropped. Not cool but i like to be proven infront of family, there very skeptical people. So inturn i will be listing the books he has written.

Prelude to a Super Airplane
Brad Radby's Brad Radby
The Christmas Bridge
Ballad of Rogelle

He also says to read them in that order. The ending to Prelude to a Super Airplane was epic.

The last reaction and the next ones have all come from twitter i believe.

Me: "Did you read "unleash the Unicorn within" yet"
then he reads it obviously cuz i sent him the link to it.
Dude: "Dude. That's an awesome post! I love it."

This is the person i was joking with right before i wrote "Unleash the Unicorn within" about writing a self help book spoof about unleashing your inner unicorn. The jokes were so funny that i felt compelled to writing "Unleash the Unicorn within"

Also we discussed a story of a dude escaping his no nothing town and uncaring parents to goto the city and find happiness, right b4 he leaves town he runs into another person running from the no nothing town to the city, she wants to escape her mean parents and life to find happiness. Its about traveling to find this impossible to find happiness thing and in the end they realized it was right next to the them the whole time in each other. You may recognize the story theme from every hollywood movie made in the last 25 years.

I would like to include a response from a person who didn't read "Unleash the Unicorn within"

Random Person: "I haven't read your unicorn piece"

surprisingly there is someone in the world who hasn't read it yet. i will not stand for this!!! Are you not entertained!?!!?! and yes i just love to randomly quote gladiator for no reason.

Ok this last one is a random conversation i had on twitter with a random person, I wish them a happy holidays and it turned into a talk about stuff i write about.

Me: "happy holidays"

Random twitter lady: ":-) Merry Xmas...and happy Unicorns for everyone..."

Me: "lol did you read that actually?"

Random twitter lady: "yes...of course... you always make me giggle :-)"

Me: "yeah i can never tell when people read it, thank you for reading my stuff, it means alot to me"

Random twitter lady: "I read them...I dont always reply... but stories of your family, games & Hawaii always make me SMILE :-)"

Me: im happy to make you smile, im also happy that what im doing is actually doing something, it makes me limitlessly happy, thanks"

Me: "maybe its unlimitlessly happy, inventing words is hard"

Ok so there all the reactions to "Unleash the Unicorn within" this is probably the biggest thing ive written since that poem in grade school that i didn't really write.

P.S i wasn't trying to insult my aunt in any way shape or form, i love her, she is awesome.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lost in the World

I'm up in the woods. I'm down on my mind

I feel like im 12 again. Nothing in my life has really changed. Here i am again, with my mom, driving thru downtown in some back assward way. Is that even a real word? who cares

I'm new in the city and I'm down for the night

I don't really wonder if i stay with her because i need her or if she needs me. I know she needs me. I am the one that kept her going after he died for godsake and i am the one she still barrows money from.

She was talking so much i just put my headphones on and turned up my nano as loud as i could.

I'm down for the night I'm down for the night I'm down for the night

After taking every back road in kalamazoo and stopping at every possible stop sign and hitting every possible light we have reached the park. Decorated for christmas like it is every year.

You're my devil you're my angel

As we walk up to the nativity scene im starting to wonder why i have lost in the world playing on repeat. I hate to put it right infront of me so much.

I have no idea what im doing with my life. I dont know where im going with it. Im not even that sure with who im going with.

I'm lost in the world. I'm down on my life.

I don't want to sound big headed or something like that or like some know it all singular unique force of nature. I'm not. But i do think i mite know alot. I know so much yet i know nothing about my own life. I know so much yet i cant use it to make a living for myself. My family may occasionally admit im wise or smart but they tell me more about how i need to find a good job.

i kind of just stared off at this point for a few seconds.

I'm lost in the world. I'm down on my life.
I'm new in the city.
but I'm down for the night.
down for the night down for the night.

For the first time in my life since my dad died. I am completely lost.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Unleash the Unicorn within

DO you ever feel like your life isn't going the way you want it to? Do you ever just feel depressed for no reason? Do you feel like you're not doing your best? It's because you're not doing your best!!!

You need to step your game up. You need to work harder. And MOST importantly, you need to

Today I'm going to tell you how to UNLEASH YOUR INNER UNICORN.

Too many of you people are living underachieving lives. You're not prancing enough thru flowering Meadows. You're not jumping over rainbows. You need to find your inner unicorn.

You've been walking thru life like your some kind of dirty donkey. You are a UNICORN and you need to act more like it. Your coat is a bright color of white! Your Mane is beautiful!! You have a shiny golden horn on your head!!! YOU ARE A UNICORN!!!!

You are a rare species of horse that is well known for its horn!! You are rare, do you hear me?!! RARE!!! You are a precious gem. You are important. YOU ARE A UNICORN!!!

Step One to Unleashing your inner Unicorn

Look at your life. Yes, look at your life, RIGHT NOW! Do you see any unicorns in it? You have already failed at UNLEASHING YOUR INNER UNICORN.

You need to look at what you don't like about life and figure out why you don't like it. Is it not what you want? Do you hate it? Is it not Unicorny enough for you?

I'm not asking you to turn into a unicorn, quit your job and go start your dream as a writer. I'm asking you to do all you can with what you have. Then you turn into the unicorn.

Let's use this writing example. Let's say you're a successful business man. You make good money but you hate your job. Do not quit your job and try to turn into a writer. It won't happen. You'll most likely go into deep debt after 3 months of trying.

What you should do is research what it takes to be a successful writer, KEEP YOUR JOB, and try to write on your down time. There is no need to jump into the deep end already. UNICORNS CAN'T SWIM!!! remember that!

Step Two Figuring out which Unicorn you are

What dreams do you have? Do you dream of becoming a baker, or maybe becoming a painter? Do you dream of having someone comb your mane daily and having a golden horn?

The word "hobby" is just codeword for i really like doing this but i was too big of a wuss to try and make money off this so i don't do this for a living. You must find what you love and grab it by the metaphorical unicorn horn and never let go (don't really grab there horn, it hurts them a alot and they will chase you down afterwards and headbutt you with it...)

What do you love? Unicorns love rainbows and meadows full of flowers. So they do that stuff. Unicorns know what there doing with there life's. Do you know what your doing with your life?

Just take a deep hard look at your life and decide what you want to try. You probably figure out what you want to do with your life on the first try. It will take time. Unicorns aren't made overnight.

Step Three Unleashing your inner Unicorn

Once you have found what you love you need to do it. And don't just do it the way people expect people to do it. Do it the way you want to. If you want to write your own way then write your won way. If you want to paint with your feet then paint with your feet. If you want to hang around Meijer's instead of rainbows then do that. Unleashing the Unicorn within is all about being who you really are.

Remember this isn't a chance for you to ruin your life. You are who you are and no one else can tell you otherwise. So don't go marrying someone else just because you think that person makes you more of a unicorn. The person you choose to be with will make you more of a unicorn. Making your own choices and believing in them is what makes a Unicorn a Unicorn.

Be a confident Unicorn. Unicorns aren't just cool because of how cool they look. There cool because there confident. Be happy with yourself. You're you and you can't be anymore you then you already are.


After doing these three steps you should become a Unicorn. It may hurt a little. But when your finished a horn should burst from your forehead and your hair should turn pure white. Slowly over the next three weeks you will turn into a real live unicorn. You may notice you have the urges to be near meadows of flowers and rainbows. Its best you give into those urges. This is a nonrefundable self help system and the unicorn process is irreversible. Before going upon the three steps to unleashing your inner unicorn make sure you want to be a unicorn for the rest of your life.

Monday, December 20, 2010

It's Dead to me now

before i even started it all seemed like far away stars that were far beyond my reach

Now it seems like a distant memory that i have long forgot.

These last 3 1/2 years have been long and hard.

During these 3 1/2 years i have seen the birth of 2 nephews. Met countless people. Forgotten more things then ive learned. And even picked up a friend that will be in my life forever.

I am done with college. Ive completed the series of events needed for an associates degree in business administration.

Ive realized education is just people repeating what others have learned before us. My new goals in life are to learn as much as i can.

I stared the day at far left of my campus in the place where i started my college career and finished it several hours later on the far right in brand new wing they just built. It sounded cool till i realized i was still parked at the far left side.

I walked back all way across campus with the Kid Cudi pursuit of happiness steve aoki remix blaring out my headphones

The constant sense of freedom flowed thru my veins. I couldnt help but feel like i escaped some sort of prison. It has held me down for 3 1/2 years and now i am moving onto something else. freedom just kicks ass.

the more i walked the more i smiled. i could barely help it and i hate smiling.

I walked right up to my car. Stared up at the sky and realized it was snowing. The biggest grin spread across my face and all i could say was "Fuck you too world"

Monday, December 13, 2010

Snowy Knight

God its cold out tonight. I know the talking weather heads on TV said it was going to snow at least a foot tonight but like i listen or even believe what they say on TV. Its not there fault i thought it would be a cool idea to come here tonight.... I mean im a senior, this is a dance... i haven't been to one ever. Why the f*ck am i going to this one...

**is obviously not mentioning he just broke up with his girlfriend and is looking for a distraction to keep his mind off things**

A wintery wonderland of snow flurries and wind that freezes your hair to your face... who seriously thinks this is a cool thing... who the hell schedules a dance during this... oh yay...

then i was suddenly snapped out of my mental ranting by Mrs.chapton asking me if i got my science paper done... "oh yes Mrs.Chapton of course i did, i had it done weeks ago" then i handed her my ticket and slipped right into the school... Yeah i got it done weeks ago if by weeks ago you mean i decided not to do it when she told the class about it...

Who seriously does homework in the last year of high school. Its all just busy work to give you grades to get you into college where they'll give you busy work for grades to get you a job where they'll give you buys work **thump**

"did that kid just walk into a wall?"

"omg! he walked right into that wall!! haha"

*rubs forehead* they sure do make these walls alot harder then they use to

ima just plunp dowm in this chair for now... *plump*

wow... seriosly who picked out this music? nickleback? Maroon 5? the killers? i mean the killers are kind of ok but where's T-Pain? i mean as far as real music goes he isnt that great but he is someone you can listen to at least.

this is really boring, barely anyone is dancing and this place is just full of kids...

"hey umm what you doing?"

"err nothing much, do i know you?"

and she runs away.... what the hell why did the girl run away from me!!!

**second plump** "you know dude if you treat every girl like that theyll all run away from you"

"hardy har har. im not the one that goes around randomly asking dudes out to dance"

"j its a dance.... your suppose to like.... dance?"

and there my "friends" go with the ever changing list of nicknames for me...

"ill start dancing when they start playing better music.."

"fine then but when that happens ill be right here to make you live up to that"


and there goes uhhh god what was his name again? john? joe? derrick!! god im horrible with names.

these dance things last forever, a couple of other dudes stopped over and talked with me about this and that. Just normal guy stuff. Couple girls straggled over when the crowd got big. Its fun talking with girls in normal conversation. There always looking for weird things like dances and lunchs and dates... God i hate going out on "dates" all you do is look for excuses to not really talk.

then i saw him... joe, i mean john, wait! i mean derrick!! talking to the "DJ" if you call a guy that just changes the song a DJ... and then it started playing.... some uppity poppity sappy love song, had to be a dead and gone boy band, i know it. He just grins at me and points at a group of girls....

I think im going to throw up...

"omg did you see john tonight! hot!"
**tons of giggles**
"you like my dress, pink is the new blue this year"
**lots of nods**
"yeah im dating john, im still "hanging" out with joe though *wink*"

"that bitch.." and apperently my brain to mouth filter failed at a bad time as about 20 girls turned and glared at me as soon as the B of bitch came out my mouth...

**slides out into the hallway** >.>

err wow i think im in a more awkward momment....

"why wont you dance with tommy!!!"

"i dont want to dance!"

"your going to have to dance with a boy eventually!"

then the girl who was being yelled at just kind of glared till the other girl sighed and walked away


"yeah then can be a real pain in the a..."

**evil glare spin**

"uhh i mean there wonderful!"

she just kind of smiled for some reason "oh yes they can be a real pain in the wonderful cant they"

"ummm" i am an absolute idiot..

"how long were you standing there.." **more evil glare**

this girl just wont let things drop will she.. "umm since tommy was brought up as the next contestant on dancing with the stars"

**loud scoffing noise** "real comedian aren't you"

"not really, i see myself as more of a romantic elephant trainer"

"really now, elaphant trainer?"

"on my weekends of course"

then she smiled this really awesome smile at me. i Smiled back of course, i think it was the lights to be honest but then i think she turned slightly red then.

"umm i see my sister calling for me, i bettter go"

**then she stood up**

woah she was umm kind of tall, a good foot taller then me >.> and im like almost 6 ft tall...

**third evil glare** "having a good time?"


"i can see how funny you find me"

...brain to face filter fail...

"no no no not that just sorry i zone out alot, do you want to dance? i just lost a bet with a.."

"im result of lost bets now!!!!"

"no no no i mean i have to dance with a girl, any girl i choose and.."

"so you chose the easiest person to ask? the one you thought no one asks? well let me tell you something buddy"

then she rose to her full height, umm she was tall, umm maybe im shrinking... **knees buckle a little >.>**

"alot of guys have asked me to dance tonight, i dont need your charity"

why did i have to get angry now... i just have the worst temper..

"yeah and how many of those guys were forced to ask you by your sister?"

**4th evil glare turned to despair and colasping back into her chair**

"your right, what self respecting guy would ask a girl like me... if you can even call me a girl.."

is it bad that i hate myself so much right now that i want to kill myself?

"i dont know about self respecting but i did ask you without your sister tricking me into it...." **half an evil glare at her**

why am i mad at her? dude stop being stupid!!

"im sorry, i just... i dont know how to dance..."

is she crying omg is she crying, crap crap crap help me


"im sorry i shouldnt of pushed the subject. im sorry" **half extends hand at a horrible momment**

**stomping feet...** "what are you doing to my sister!!"


she seriously just hit my hand who the F does this girl think she is... oh yeah... this girls sister who i made cry...

"L did he hurt you?"

L, what kind of name is L?

"no he just.." **more tears**

no offense i mean she is kind of cute, but she crys alot, wait why the hell did i call her cute...

then her sister rose to her full height, woah she was short, i mean i was foot taller then her **laugh**

"why are you laughing!"

**brain to mouth fail**

"umm wait, because...."

**slightly less tears**

at least my confusion has calmed "L" down. ok seriously that cant be her real name....

"because i just remembered who you were and im suprised i didnt recognize you sooner"

**one suprised look and one extremely skeptical look**

ok you cant cry and doubt me at the same time... what kind of girl are you...

"oh well sorry but i dont remember you.. and i think me and my sister will be leaving now..." **tug and pull with muttering complaints**

"for a short girl she can be really mean, strong, and controlling...."

"yeah i know, i use to date her haha, you caught her on a good day though it seems"

**hits head on ceiling from jumping so far out of his skin**

"joe!! i mean derrick what the fuck dude, sneaky spy much?"

**over laughing** -.- this dude...

"yeah i was right behind you the whole time, you seriously cant talk to girls you know that"


"anyways when you start hitting on freshman?"

0.o "that wasnt a freshman... umm was it?"

"well yes and no. she is like in most the sophomore classes and some junior ones but yeah she is like 15 dude"

**facepalm** "i didnt know... she just seemed so much"..


"yeah. she so tall to"

"and cute"

"Yeah she was cute... hey!!"

**laughter** "your the one that agreed J" **walks away laughing**

do i even know that derrick guy that well... and why did i agree that she was cute... she wasnt that cute.. i mean when she smiled she was cute, and when she was crying she was kind of cute. If that evil glare didnt scare the crap out of me i bet that was cute too... she isnt cute, she is a foot taller then you...

**pulls coat up tighter** this Fn snow.. im going home....

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Christmas Wish

This post is derived from my depression pretty much. I need Ella so much...

Ive decided to put all my will and soul into forcefully wishing for her to be ok and talk to me. I am going to use every inch of Christmas to make this possible.

I will be wishing upon stars. Wishing at 11:11 4 times a day (i will setting the clock back again each time it hits 11:11) I will make Christmas wishes and pray for Yuletide kisses. (rhymed for your benefit)

Also today my sister krystal received her masters degree grom central michigan university. And the speaker was Brett Holey, a director/producer for NBC nightly news. He was fantastic. He made me want to chase my dreams. Writing is my dream so this is why im writing this.

Ella has't been around alot lately as you have most likely noticed. She got sick awhile back and got people at her school sick. So they sent her home (she was at some boarding school thing) and well her parents hate me. Well beyond hate me but i would rather not belittle myself to the point of extreme depression tonight if you dont mind too much. So Ella is at home being kept from talking to me.

Im wishing, praying, hoping that some kind of christmas miracle happens that lets me talk to her this holiday. Its what drives me to keep living.

When we first met, and then got closer. She got sick really bad. It was scary, she was in the hospital, it was really bad. Back then her oldest sister still talked to me. And i convinced her to print out some things and make a card for her from me. Its all i could think of to do.

(click picture to see full sized)

It was something i wrote for her. And her sister put into card form for me and put it next to her bed for me. Ella was kind of in a coma v.v

Afterwards i found out few guys (Alot!!!!!) showed up while she was knocked out in the hospital. Apperently they were all guys that had a small crush on her. Yes i was jealous and all that. But the card really made me feel like i did all i could to show her i really cared about her (a big part of me felt like i was err for lack of better term "staking my claim" on a relationship with Ella)

She got better eventually and got my card and felt umm really happy towards me.

To close the other guys part. Soon afterwards Ella hit her growth problems and grew really tall. Sadly all other guys ceased to like her then...... I say sadly because i rather have someone closer to her love her like i do. As much as i love Ella i rather not have her be sad.

Just this whole thing is depressing for both of us and it hurts alot. I would rather have her be happy with someone else if it ment less pain for her.

I love Ella alot, i know you hear me say that alot but i would to explain it more for you right now. I love her so much that i would disappear from her life if there was another person close to her, that her parents supported. Someone that made her as happy as i do. Someone that loves her as much as i do. Someone that makes her life better. Someone better then me. As much as it would kill me. If it helped Ella i would let her go.

She is the star of my life. Today during my sisters commencement they played this wonderful music, and i just zoned out for 20 minutes imagining Ella spinning slowly and looking at me then smiling. Just that. It took control of my mind for the longest time today.

Ella is a warm summers day. The soft rain that dances atop of your head. A sunset with your bestfriend. Ella is a smile on a dark day. She is an angel that makes my life heaven.

By the way. By angel i mean that i look for her wings and that one day i will find them and prove to the world that she is really an angel like i always say she is.

I worry about her alot because i know she acts like me and i act like her alot. Its scary because we can be apart for 2 months and will find out that we both acted and thought the same way during those 2 months. We think were going to one of those annoying couples that finishes each others sentences half the time.

I have a long list of love songs that ive purchased during the last 3 years of knowing Ella, all for the sake of a reminder of her. I admit sometimes i start singing along with them and think about Ella deeply as i do.

Just i really need to talk to Ella and make her happy. I need to love her. She needs to be loved. I want to make her life better by being here for her. I know i say i would let her go if i had the choice. But it would be hard letting go of someone that would probally handcuff herself to me and cling to me like her life depends upon me staying right next to her.

Trust me you read this and hear how much i talk about how i love her. When me and Ella talk alot i kind of accidently slip into this same mode and talk to her about how much i love her. I cant explain it, i just have this need to express my love for her to her and anyone else that will listen. She is just so beautiful, inside and out.

I want to just sit with her and talk about books for the rest of my life, this is honestly my lifes dream.

With each snowflake that falls, for each star i see, and for each christmas tree i walk by i shall make a wish. I wish to talk to Ella during this christmas season. Just talk and nothing else, that is all that i need. It would really help if you wished this for me to. Thank you.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Yes, She is Tall

Im reading thru some old chat logs me and Ella have. I do that often when i im really depressed and miss her alot. She hasn't been around for a couple weeks now, almost a month. So yeah, if you read my twitter, you've seen the crazyness seep thru to my tweets, especially today.

I was planning on copy and pasting the chat we had from windows live chat log history thing but it wont let me copy....
ok i print screened it

and yes she is like 17, like, like 2 months away. kill me now.

Anyways i just blacked out her last name which isnt even her real one, and that one setence, its very private.

i wanted to talk about that, i would show more but you get the idea. Were talking about who i think she is. I think she is amazing, beautiful, and obviously an angel. I am right. She says other wise, she is right too. She is both. sorry im smiling alot right now and its hard to type, i love her alot.

I probally talk about this alot, but she is tall. She kind of just kept on growing once she started. Its cool thoug. You, you people, think its weird... i hate you people. Height shouldnt determine how people look at you as a person.

This reminds me of last summer when the mother 2 houses down from Javys house (my 12 yr old nephew with an 8 yr old little brother, averie) told javy to like not sit on her kid or something. She was like i see how you treat your brother... she is such a b*tch. Plus if you see javy and averie alot you basically see averie putting javy in a headlock. Thing is, javy is a big kid, he's like 5'5 and 200+ even though he plays every sport known to man. Averie is a little thing thats really tough. So people make asumptions about javy alot.

I stand behind Javy as much as i can. He's my nephew, i care about him.

So basically once me and Ella start to hang out together in person alot and people get rude to her. Im going to be a force of nature you want to be near. I can punch walls as much as any other guy but im just evil when i talk sometimes. And yes i hate that part about me.

Ive sort of known for attacking the soul with words when im mad, just ask my family =/

been doing it since i was little though. Ive basically always been a little overdramatic as people say. But i just prefer to get my words across as best as possible. So i speak strong sometimes.

Reading the chat logs and thinking about Ella more in more detail for a bit really let me escape my depression for a little tonight. Ill fall back soon.

i think when she turns 17 ill feel less evil. But yeah people will actually start to acknowledge it more. I know some people are avoiding this about me to avoid the whole is it wrong or right topic. thank you for that.

im going to be well nice to myself for once right now.

You wanna tell a 7 foot tall 16 yr old girl she cant have me as a boyfriend? i mean go ahead, i dare you.

**laughs alot** it makes me happy to know she chooses me no matter what. i am not a lost cause. i am somebody.

thank you for reading all of this, it means alot to me. It truely does. thank you.

P.S click the picture to see it big enough to read.