Friday, December 31, 2010


1 34 1,987,199

No this isn't that horrible movie that was more of a musical and those numbers don't represent stats or time totals. (52 weeks in a year, 168 hours in a week, 3,652.42199 days in a decade)

45 68 97

number numb3rs numbers everywhere i look. I can't escape the onslaught of numbers. There everywhere. I can't escape. I can't escape.

56 194 3 27

Today Oil is $91 Lebron James is averaging 24.4 points a game. At least 3 children died today from curable diseases.

56 1,444 6

We are swimming in a sea of numbers. How much does gas cost a gallon? ($3.09) How much money did you spend on groceries? ($76.46) How much time have you spent on the internet today? (4.32 hours)

21 34.99 12,001

Does 2+2 even equal 4 anymore? Are numbers even as constant and consistent as they use to be? Are there any 100% full provable statistics anymore? Isn't there always something they forget? Some piece of important information missing?

12 36 156,667,109.223

I wish we could live in a world without statistics and in a world of information explained in worded form for us to read and take for what we see it as. Instead seeing Ford selling at $16.69 we would see that Ford is current selling at prices of $16.22, $17.03, $16.45, $15.55, $16.74, and $16.68 in sales that equal an average of $16.69.


Numbers Numbers Numb3rs Numbers Numbers when will the numbers stop. My head is aching my heart is struggling. Why won't the numbers just stop

P.S the last series of numbers is are national debt as i type this. (

Sunday, December 26, 2010


As i crawl thru the broken glass lined cave i think about the friends i have just loss, the death i have just seen, and the death i have so acceptably walked myself into.

It all started with a kiss, so sudden, so light, so soft. It was beautiful and amazing. The moment felt like a magic spell was cast upon us and time stood still.

The battle has been raging on for its 23rd hour now. Both armies have moved nowhere. Millions have died. All the dead faces i see on the ground just become a blur now. My only focus is on surviving till my next breath.

With the stroke of a pen you paint a picture of a lush rain forest or inside a debilitated factory. With our words we created beautiful works of art that no one has ever seen before. Each story is a new world. Each poem is a new person.

A pen is my brush and the words will be my paint. May it be written out or typed. My words will create a new universe for you to explore with your mind.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Reactions to Unleash the Unicorn within

Ok so a bunch of people loved "Unleash the Unicorn within" if you missed it. Either goto this blog and go under lost in the world. Or ask me for it.

"Unleash the Unicorn within" is the first thing that ive written that ive showed my family. It of course came with the bad comments you all know ive been looking for,

Sister: "i don't understand what it means, i don't get it, i only read bits and pieces though."

Also a great aunt of mine, i believe she is my aunt, i am just straight horrible when it comes to my extended family, i apologize. Here is her reaction to it after reading it.

Aunt: "If you let the Lord lead you, those moments of frustration will be fleeting. You learn to listen to God's voice and not your own. You learn to want God's will and not your own. You learn to trust Jesus who died for you and loves you more than you can imagine. He wants the very best for your life, beyond your wildest dreams. That's my comment Justin. Love Ya! Merry Christmas!"

Not trying to make a joke of this just trying to show you all the reactions i have received. I rarely get people talking like this so this is pretty big for me.

While picking up a used tv for free from my godparents, love you guys by the way, me and my brother were talking about this and what i was doing with it. Here is his response, it won't be perfect because im trying to do it from memory.

Brother: "That is hilarious, i see what your trying to do, its funny."

I love my brother. He hasn't read it yet but he finds the ideas behind 'Unleash the Unicorn within" hilarious.

Now for the random people of the internet responses.

Btw i am now releasing some of my writings on other sites. This response comes from deviant art. I was surprised that someone favorited "Unleash the Unicorn within" so i had to ask them personally if they actually read it.

Me: "wait did you seriously read that?"

Dude: "Yes, and i thought it was brilliant! :) I read it to my little brother as well"

Me: "yes a proven reader of what ive written!!! **celebrates** thank you!"

Dude: "Haha pleasure, thank you for my three steps to becoming a unicorn haha"

This was the first proven reader of "Unleash the Unicorn within" obviously. They saw it as a literal way to becoming a unicorn, which is cool, my writing is art. I like to think as the paper as a blank canvas and my pen as a paint brush. Even though i do most my writing on a computer by typing but that sounds so much cooler.

The next response came from this actual writer named brian spaeth who likes what i write. So yeah take that world, a real writer thinks i write good. Boo yeah.

Writer Dude: "This made me lol - the exclamation pts sold it "You are a rare species of horse that is well known for its horn!!""

Yes i just quoted someone who was quoting me, im just cool like that. And i just name dropped. Not cool but i like to be proven infront of family, there very skeptical people. So inturn i will be listing the books he has written.

Prelude to a Super Airplane
Brad Radby's Brad Radby
The Christmas Bridge
Ballad of Rogelle

He also says to read them in that order. The ending to Prelude to a Super Airplane was epic.

The last reaction and the next ones have all come from twitter i believe.

Me: "Did you read "unleash the Unicorn within" yet"
then he reads it obviously cuz i sent him the link to it.
Dude: "Dude. That's an awesome post! I love it."

This is the person i was joking with right before i wrote "Unleash the Unicorn within" about writing a self help book spoof about unleashing your inner unicorn. The jokes were so funny that i felt compelled to writing "Unleash the Unicorn within"

Also we discussed a story of a dude escaping his no nothing town and uncaring parents to goto the city and find happiness, right b4 he leaves town he runs into another person running from the no nothing town to the city, she wants to escape her mean parents and life to find happiness. Its about traveling to find this impossible to find happiness thing and in the end they realized it was right next to the them the whole time in each other. You may recognize the story theme from every hollywood movie made in the last 25 years.

I would like to include a response from a person who didn't read "Unleash the Unicorn within"

Random Person: "I haven't read your unicorn piece"

surprisingly there is someone in the world who hasn't read it yet. i will not stand for this!!! Are you not entertained!?!!?! and yes i just love to randomly quote gladiator for no reason.

Ok this last one is a random conversation i had on twitter with a random person, I wish them a happy holidays and it turned into a talk about stuff i write about.

Me: "happy holidays"

Random twitter lady: ":-) Merry Xmas...and happy Unicorns for everyone..."

Me: "lol did you read that actually?"

Random twitter lady: "yes...of course... you always make me giggle :-)"

Me: "yeah i can never tell when people read it, thank you for reading my stuff, it means alot to me"

Random twitter lady: "I read them...I dont always reply... but stories of your family, games & Hawaii always make me SMILE :-)"

Me: im happy to make you smile, im also happy that what im doing is actually doing something, it makes me limitlessly happy, thanks"

Me: "maybe its unlimitlessly happy, inventing words is hard"

Ok so there all the reactions to "Unleash the Unicorn within" this is probably the biggest thing ive written since that poem in grade school that i didn't really write.

P.S i wasn't trying to insult my aunt in any way shape or form, i love her, she is awesome.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lost in the World

I'm up in the woods. I'm down on my mind

I feel like im 12 again. Nothing in my life has really changed. Here i am again, with my mom, driving thru downtown in some back assward way. Is that even a real word? who cares

I'm new in the city and I'm down for the night

I don't really wonder if i stay with her because i need her or if she needs me. I know she needs me. I am the one that kept her going after he died for godsake and i am the one she still barrows money from.

She was talking so much i just put my headphones on and turned up my nano as loud as i could.

I'm down for the night I'm down for the night I'm down for the night

After taking every back road in kalamazoo and stopping at every possible stop sign and hitting every possible light we have reached the park. Decorated for christmas like it is every year.

You're my devil you're my angel

As we walk up to the nativity scene im starting to wonder why i have lost in the world playing on repeat. I hate to put it right infront of me so much.

I have no idea what im doing with my life. I dont know where im going with it. Im not even that sure with who im going with.

I'm lost in the world. I'm down on my life.

I don't want to sound big headed or something like that or like some know it all singular unique force of nature. I'm not. But i do think i mite know alot. I know so much yet i know nothing about my own life. I know so much yet i cant use it to make a living for myself. My family may occasionally admit im wise or smart but they tell me more about how i need to find a good job.

i kind of just stared off at this point for a few seconds.

I'm lost in the world. I'm down on my life.
I'm new in the city.
but I'm down for the night.
down for the night down for the night.

For the first time in my life since my dad died. I am completely lost.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Unleash the Unicorn within

DO you ever feel like your life isn't going the way you want it to? Do you ever just feel depressed for no reason? Do you feel like you're not doing your best? It's because you're not doing your best!!!

You need to step your game up. You need to work harder. And MOST importantly, you need to

Today I'm going to tell you how to UNLEASH YOUR INNER UNICORN.

Too many of you people are living underachieving lives. You're not prancing enough thru flowering Meadows. You're not jumping over rainbows. You need to find your inner unicorn.

You've been walking thru life like your some kind of dirty donkey. You are a UNICORN and you need to act more like it. Your coat is a bright color of white! Your Mane is beautiful!! You have a shiny golden horn on your head!!! YOU ARE A UNICORN!!!!

You are a rare species of horse that is well known for its horn!! You are rare, do you hear me?!! RARE!!! You are a precious gem. You are important. YOU ARE A UNICORN!!!

Step One to Unleashing your inner Unicorn

Look at your life. Yes, look at your life, RIGHT NOW! Do you see any unicorns in it? You have already failed at UNLEASHING YOUR INNER UNICORN.

You need to look at what you don't like about life and figure out why you don't like it. Is it not what you want? Do you hate it? Is it not Unicorny enough for you?

I'm not asking you to turn into a unicorn, quit your job and go start your dream as a writer. I'm asking you to do all you can with what you have. Then you turn into the unicorn.

Let's use this writing example. Let's say you're a successful business man. You make good money but you hate your job. Do not quit your job and try to turn into a writer. It won't happen. You'll most likely go into deep debt after 3 months of trying.

What you should do is research what it takes to be a successful writer, KEEP YOUR JOB, and try to write on your down time. There is no need to jump into the deep end already. UNICORNS CAN'T SWIM!!! remember that!

Step Two Figuring out which Unicorn you are

What dreams do you have? Do you dream of becoming a baker, or maybe becoming a painter? Do you dream of having someone comb your mane daily and having a golden horn?

The word "hobby" is just codeword for i really like doing this but i was too big of a wuss to try and make money off this so i don't do this for a living. You must find what you love and grab it by the metaphorical unicorn horn and never let go (don't really grab there horn, it hurts them a alot and they will chase you down afterwards and headbutt you with it...)

What do you love? Unicorns love rainbows and meadows full of flowers. So they do that stuff. Unicorns know what there doing with there life's. Do you know what your doing with your life?

Just take a deep hard look at your life and decide what you want to try. You probably figure out what you want to do with your life on the first try. It will take time. Unicorns aren't made overnight.

Step Three Unleashing your inner Unicorn

Once you have found what you love you need to do it. And don't just do it the way people expect people to do it. Do it the way you want to. If you want to write your own way then write your won way. If you want to paint with your feet then paint with your feet. If you want to hang around Meijer's instead of rainbows then do that. Unleashing the Unicorn within is all about being who you really are.

Remember this isn't a chance for you to ruin your life. You are who you are and no one else can tell you otherwise. So don't go marrying someone else just because you think that person makes you more of a unicorn. The person you choose to be with will make you more of a unicorn. Making your own choices and believing in them is what makes a Unicorn a Unicorn.

Be a confident Unicorn. Unicorns aren't just cool because of how cool they look. There cool because there confident. Be happy with yourself. You're you and you can't be anymore you then you already are.


After doing these three steps you should become a Unicorn. It may hurt a little. But when your finished a horn should burst from your forehead and your hair should turn pure white. Slowly over the next three weeks you will turn into a real live unicorn. You may notice you have the urges to be near meadows of flowers and rainbows. Its best you give into those urges. This is a nonrefundable self help system and the unicorn process is irreversible. Before going upon the three steps to unleashing your inner unicorn make sure you want to be a unicorn for the rest of your life.

Monday, December 20, 2010

It's Dead to me now

before i even started it all seemed like far away stars that were far beyond my reach

Now it seems like a distant memory that i have long forgot.

These last 3 1/2 years have been long and hard.

During these 3 1/2 years i have seen the birth of 2 nephews. Met countless people. Forgotten more things then ive learned. And even picked up a friend that will be in my life forever.

I am done with college. Ive completed the series of events needed for an associates degree in business administration.

Ive realized education is just people repeating what others have learned before us. My new goals in life are to learn as much as i can.

I stared the day at far left of my campus in the place where i started my college career and finished it several hours later on the far right in brand new wing they just built. It sounded cool till i realized i was still parked at the far left side.

I walked back all way across campus with the Kid Cudi pursuit of happiness steve aoki remix blaring out my headphones

The constant sense of freedom flowed thru my veins. I couldnt help but feel like i escaped some sort of prison. It has held me down for 3 1/2 years and now i am moving onto something else. freedom just kicks ass.

the more i walked the more i smiled. i could barely help it and i hate smiling.

I walked right up to my car. Stared up at the sky and realized it was snowing. The biggest grin spread across my face and all i could say was "Fuck you too world"

Monday, December 13, 2010

Snowy Knight

God its cold out tonight. I know the talking weather heads on TV said it was going to snow at least a foot tonight but like i listen or even believe what they say on TV. Its not there fault i thought it would be a cool idea to come here tonight.... I mean im a senior, this is a dance... i haven't been to one ever. Why the f*ck am i going to this one...

**is obviously not mentioning he just broke up with his girlfriend and is looking for a distraction to keep his mind off things**

A wintery wonderland of snow flurries and wind that freezes your hair to your face... who seriously thinks this is a cool thing... who the hell schedules a dance during this... oh yay...

then i was suddenly snapped out of my mental ranting by Mrs.chapton asking me if i got my science paper done... "oh yes Mrs.Chapton of course i did, i had it done weeks ago" then i handed her my ticket and slipped right into the school... Yeah i got it done weeks ago if by weeks ago you mean i decided not to do it when she told the class about it...

Who seriously does homework in the last year of high school. Its all just busy work to give you grades to get you into college where they'll give you busy work for grades to get you a job where they'll give you buys work **thump**

"did that kid just walk into a wall?"

"omg! he walked right into that wall!! haha"

*rubs forehead* they sure do make these walls alot harder then they use to

ima just plunp dowm in this chair for now... *plump*

wow... seriosly who picked out this music? nickleback? Maroon 5? the killers? i mean the killers are kind of ok but where's T-Pain? i mean as far as real music goes he isnt that great but he is someone you can listen to at least.

this is really boring, barely anyone is dancing and this place is just full of kids...

"hey umm what you doing?"

"err nothing much, do i know you?"

and she runs away.... what the hell why did the girl run away from me!!!

**second plump** "you know dude if you treat every girl like that theyll all run away from you"

"hardy har har. im not the one that goes around randomly asking dudes out to dance"

"j its a dance.... your suppose to like.... dance?"

and there my "friends" go with the ever changing list of nicknames for me...

"ill start dancing when they start playing better music.."

"fine then but when that happens ill be right here to make you live up to that"


and there goes uhhh god what was his name again? john? joe? derrick!! god im horrible with names.

these dance things last forever, a couple of other dudes stopped over and talked with me about this and that. Just normal guy stuff. Couple girls straggled over when the crowd got big. Its fun talking with girls in normal conversation. There always looking for weird things like dances and lunchs and dates... God i hate going out on "dates" all you do is look for excuses to not really talk.

then i saw him... joe, i mean john, wait! i mean derrick!! talking to the "DJ" if you call a guy that just changes the song a DJ... and then it started playing.... some uppity poppity sappy love song, had to be a dead and gone boy band, i know it. He just grins at me and points at a group of girls....

I think im going to throw up...

"omg did you see john tonight! hot!"
**tons of giggles**
"you like my dress, pink is the new blue this year"
**lots of nods**
"yeah im dating john, im still "hanging" out with joe though *wink*"

"that bitch.." and apperently my brain to mouth filter failed at a bad time as about 20 girls turned and glared at me as soon as the B of bitch came out my mouth...

**slides out into the hallway** >.>

err wow i think im in a more awkward momment....

"why wont you dance with tommy!!!"

"i dont want to dance!"

"your going to have to dance with a boy eventually!"

then the girl who was being yelled at just kind of glared till the other girl sighed and walked away


"yeah then can be a real pain in the a..."

**evil glare spin**

"uhh i mean there wonderful!"

she just kind of smiled for some reason "oh yes they can be a real pain in the wonderful cant they"

"ummm" i am an absolute idiot..

"how long were you standing there.." **more evil glare**

this girl just wont let things drop will she.. "umm since tommy was brought up as the next contestant on dancing with the stars"

**loud scoffing noise** "real comedian aren't you"

"not really, i see myself as more of a romantic elephant trainer"

"really now, elaphant trainer?"

"on my weekends of course"

then she smiled this really awesome smile at me. i Smiled back of course, i think it was the lights to be honest but then i think she turned slightly red then.

"umm i see my sister calling for me, i bettter go"

**then she stood up**

woah she was umm kind of tall, a good foot taller then me >.> and im like almost 6 ft tall...

**third evil glare** "having a good time?"


"i can see how funny you find me"

...brain to face filter fail...

"no no no not that just sorry i zone out alot, do you want to dance? i just lost a bet with a.."

"im result of lost bets now!!!!"

"no no no i mean i have to dance with a girl, any girl i choose and.."

"so you chose the easiest person to ask? the one you thought no one asks? well let me tell you something buddy"

then she rose to her full height, umm she was tall, umm maybe im shrinking... **knees buckle a little >.>**

"alot of guys have asked me to dance tonight, i dont need your charity"

why did i have to get angry now... i just have the worst temper..

"yeah and how many of those guys were forced to ask you by your sister?"

**4th evil glare turned to despair and colasping back into her chair**

"your right, what self respecting guy would ask a girl like me... if you can even call me a girl.."

is it bad that i hate myself so much right now that i want to kill myself?

"i dont know about self respecting but i did ask you without your sister tricking me into it...." **half an evil glare at her**

why am i mad at her? dude stop being stupid!!

"im sorry, i just... i dont know how to dance..."

is she crying omg is she crying, crap crap crap help me


"im sorry i shouldnt of pushed the subject. im sorry" **half extends hand at a horrible momment**

**stomping feet...** "what are you doing to my sister!!"


she seriously just hit my hand who the F does this girl think she is... oh yeah... this girls sister who i made cry...

"L did he hurt you?"

L, what kind of name is L?

"no he just.." **more tears**

no offense i mean she is kind of cute, but she crys alot, wait why the hell did i call her cute...

then her sister rose to her full height, woah she was short, i mean i was foot taller then her **laugh**

"why are you laughing!"

**brain to mouth fail**

"umm wait, because...."

**slightly less tears**

at least my confusion has calmed "L" down. ok seriously that cant be her real name....

"because i just remembered who you were and im suprised i didnt recognize you sooner"

**one suprised look and one extremely skeptical look**

ok you cant cry and doubt me at the same time... what kind of girl are you...

"oh well sorry but i dont remember you.. and i think me and my sister will be leaving now..." **tug and pull with muttering complaints**

"for a short girl she can be really mean, strong, and controlling...."

"yeah i know, i use to date her haha, you caught her on a good day though it seems"

**hits head on ceiling from jumping so far out of his skin**

"joe!! i mean derrick what the fuck dude, sneaky spy much?"

**over laughing** -.- this dude...

"yeah i was right behind you the whole time, you seriously cant talk to girls you know that"


"anyways when you start hitting on freshman?"

0.o "that wasnt a freshman... umm was it?"

"well yes and no. she is like in most the sophomore classes and some junior ones but yeah she is like 15 dude"

**facepalm** "i didnt know... she just seemed so much"..


"yeah. she so tall to"

"and cute"

"Yeah she was cute... hey!!"

**laughter** "your the one that agreed J" **walks away laughing**

do i even know that derrick guy that well... and why did i agree that she was cute... she wasnt that cute.. i mean when she smiled she was cute, and when she was crying she was kind of cute. If that evil glare didnt scare the crap out of me i bet that was cute too... she isnt cute, she is a foot taller then you...

**pulls coat up tighter** this Fn snow.. im going home....

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Christmas Wish

This post is derived from my depression pretty much. I need Ella so much...

Ive decided to put all my will and soul into forcefully wishing for her to be ok and talk to me. I am going to use every inch of Christmas to make this possible.

I will be wishing upon stars. Wishing at 11:11 4 times a day (i will setting the clock back again each time it hits 11:11) I will make Christmas wishes and pray for Yuletide kisses. (rhymed for your benefit)

Also today my sister krystal received her masters degree grom central michigan university. And the speaker was Brett Holey, a director/producer for NBC nightly news. He was fantastic. He made me want to chase my dreams. Writing is my dream so this is why im writing this.

Ella has't been around alot lately as you have most likely noticed. She got sick awhile back and got people at her school sick. So they sent her home (she was at some boarding school thing) and well her parents hate me. Well beyond hate me but i would rather not belittle myself to the point of extreme depression tonight if you dont mind too much. So Ella is at home being kept from talking to me.

Im wishing, praying, hoping that some kind of christmas miracle happens that lets me talk to her this holiday. Its what drives me to keep living.

When we first met, and then got closer. She got sick really bad. It was scary, she was in the hospital, it was really bad. Back then her oldest sister still talked to me. And i convinced her to print out some things and make a card for her from me. Its all i could think of to do.

(click picture to see full sized)

It was something i wrote for her. And her sister put into card form for me and put it next to her bed for me. Ella was kind of in a coma v.v

Afterwards i found out few guys (Alot!!!!!) showed up while she was knocked out in the hospital. Apperently they were all guys that had a small crush on her. Yes i was jealous and all that. But the card really made me feel like i did all i could to show her i really cared about her (a big part of me felt like i was err for lack of better term "staking my claim" on a relationship with Ella)

She got better eventually and got my card and felt umm really happy towards me.

To close the other guys part. Soon afterwards Ella hit her growth problems and grew really tall. Sadly all other guys ceased to like her then...... I say sadly because i rather have someone closer to her love her like i do. As much as i love Ella i rather not have her be sad.

Just this whole thing is depressing for both of us and it hurts alot. I would rather have her be happy with someone else if it ment less pain for her.

I love Ella alot, i know you hear me say that alot but i would to explain it more for you right now. I love her so much that i would disappear from her life if there was another person close to her, that her parents supported. Someone that made her as happy as i do. Someone that loves her as much as i do. Someone that makes her life better. Someone better then me. As much as it would kill me. If it helped Ella i would let her go.

She is the star of my life. Today during my sisters commencement they played this wonderful music, and i just zoned out for 20 minutes imagining Ella spinning slowly and looking at me then smiling. Just that. It took control of my mind for the longest time today.

Ella is a warm summers day. The soft rain that dances atop of your head. A sunset with your bestfriend. Ella is a smile on a dark day. She is an angel that makes my life heaven.

By the way. By angel i mean that i look for her wings and that one day i will find them and prove to the world that she is really an angel like i always say she is.

I worry about her alot because i know she acts like me and i act like her alot. Its scary because we can be apart for 2 months and will find out that we both acted and thought the same way during those 2 months. We think were going to one of those annoying couples that finishes each others sentences half the time.

I have a long list of love songs that ive purchased during the last 3 years of knowing Ella, all for the sake of a reminder of her. I admit sometimes i start singing along with them and think about Ella deeply as i do.

Just i really need to talk to Ella and make her happy. I need to love her. She needs to be loved. I want to make her life better by being here for her. I know i say i would let her go if i had the choice. But it would be hard letting go of someone that would probally handcuff herself to me and cling to me like her life depends upon me staying right next to her.

Trust me you read this and hear how much i talk about how i love her. When me and Ella talk alot i kind of accidently slip into this same mode and talk to her about how much i love her. I cant explain it, i just have this need to express my love for her to her and anyone else that will listen. She is just so beautiful, inside and out.

I want to just sit with her and talk about books for the rest of my life, this is honestly my lifes dream.

With each snowflake that falls, for each star i see, and for each christmas tree i walk by i shall make a wish. I wish to talk to Ella during this christmas season. Just talk and nothing else, that is all that i need. It would really help if you wished this for me to. Thank you.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Yes, She is Tall

Im reading thru some old chat logs me and Ella have. I do that often when i im really depressed and miss her alot. She hasn't been around for a couple weeks now, almost a month. So yeah, if you read my twitter, you've seen the crazyness seep thru to my tweets, especially today.

I was planning on copy and pasting the chat we had from windows live chat log history thing but it wont let me copy....
ok i print screened it

and yes she is like 17, like, like 2 months away. kill me now.

Anyways i just blacked out her last name which isnt even her real one, and that one setence, its very private.

i wanted to talk about that, i would show more but you get the idea. Were talking about who i think she is. I think she is amazing, beautiful, and obviously an angel. I am right. She says other wise, she is right too. She is both. sorry im smiling alot right now and its hard to type, i love her alot.

I probally talk about this alot, but she is tall. She kind of just kept on growing once she started. Its cool thoug. You, you people, think its weird... i hate you people. Height shouldnt determine how people look at you as a person.

This reminds me of last summer when the mother 2 houses down from Javys house (my 12 yr old nephew with an 8 yr old little brother, averie) told javy to like not sit on her kid or something. She was like i see how you treat your brother... she is such a b*tch. Plus if you see javy and averie alot you basically see averie putting javy in a headlock. Thing is, javy is a big kid, he's like 5'5 and 200+ even though he plays every sport known to man. Averie is a little thing thats really tough. So people make asumptions about javy alot.

I stand behind Javy as much as i can. He's my nephew, i care about him.

So basically once me and Ella start to hang out together in person alot and people get rude to her. Im going to be a force of nature you want to be near. I can punch walls as much as any other guy but im just evil when i talk sometimes. And yes i hate that part about me.

Ive sort of known for attacking the soul with words when im mad, just ask my family =/

been doing it since i was little though. Ive basically always been a little overdramatic as people say. But i just prefer to get my words across as best as possible. So i speak strong sometimes.

Reading the chat logs and thinking about Ella more in more detail for a bit really let me escape my depression for a little tonight. Ill fall back soon.

i think when she turns 17 ill feel less evil. But yeah people will actually start to acknowledge it more. I know some people are avoiding this about me to avoid the whole is it wrong or right topic. thank you for that.

im going to be well nice to myself for once right now.

You wanna tell a 7 foot tall 16 yr old girl she cant have me as a boyfriend? i mean go ahead, i dare you.

**laughs alot** it makes me happy to know she chooses me no matter what. i am not a lost cause. i am somebody.

thank you for reading all of this, it means alot to me. It truely does. thank you.

P.S click the picture to see it big enough to read.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Didn't

I didnt cry myself to sleep last night.

My arms dont ache for the feeling of her in them.

I dont worry every waking second about her.

I dont miss her so much that i cant even sleep anymore.

In mot depressed to the point that i cant do anything with myself anymore.

I dont stay up countless nights just waiting for her.

The waiting isnt messing with my head at all. Im perfectly fine.

Its not a big deal because i cant love her that much....

I can lie all i want about this but even you who read this know the truth.

All i have to say is, i do love her that much, i love her more then it should be possible to love someone. I love her to the point that i put her above all that makes up our world. This isnt wrong because it hurts me. The pain is wrong for hurting. Love can never be wrong, only misplaced.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Turn Up The Lights

My eyes hurt, im avg about 5 hours of sleep every 2 days right now. Its like my subconscious wants to kill me. Guess that beats my conscious trying to kill me.

I think im refusing sleep because im pushing myself to wait for her every second of the day. I know that sounds bad its just that i miss her a lot. Its like going months without ever seeing your best friend. Well its like that but we love each other, like love love, you know?

I feel like telling you a secret. Sometimes before i goto bed. I say her name outloud to myself. To remind me she is real. She is physically real. Somewhere she exsists. Im not crazy, this isnt a dream, im not in a coma.

You she is kind of tall. Like well her body kind of had a growth issue so she grew really tall. I dont know why im telling you this, i just feel extra honest right now, or extra crazy, im not sure which so just roll with it.

She wears really cute glasses, well there cute to me. Err anyways. Well the first picture she showed me was without her glasses. I must admit it was kind of disapointing to not see her wearing glasses by was really happy either way.

One day this will be a book and ill be able to let you know all the dark truths of the story. But with a book your read it and dont have direct contact with me. You read this and you get to talk directly to me and i will hear you. I prefer to be hated behind my back and not infront of please.

I want to explain how this happened. I know you will make asumptions about it. Claim untrue facts of the situation. It drives me crazy. You make it seem so easy to avoid all this. The more i listen to you the more crazy it makes me and it makes me wonder if i was pushed toward it a little.

Deny Deny Deny. But yeah it was pushed upon me but in defense of her. I obviously liked her alot. Just didnt hit me that she mite want more then friendship.

god the years of trying to stay close but not too close as she wanted me close. You seriously dont know the half of it, not even 3/4th of it. Its crazy man, crazy...

Its like i met her too soon to make sure she got thru all these problems in life. I feel like we were suppose to meet a few years from now at like a book store or something. Then life was like, wait she mite not make it to the bookstore, im sending you in early so she stays alive. I feel like that Tim Lincecum being forced to pitch the last 4 innings of a game before his actual start because if they dont win there wont be an actual start.

I guess a big problem lies with how i feel about this. I think about what other people think too much. And when it comes to this i think people hate me, thing im weird and disgusting, think im wrong, think im taking advantage of her, im not mentally mature enough on my own, im fully my actual age, im socially awkward. Im this im that. The words grow louder and louder in my head. I dont need to hear you speak the words to know you think them somewhere in your head.

in about 14 months ill be free from these thoughts. Ill be normal. Ill be a normal guy dating a normal girl. Ill stop being hated. The voices will stop. It will all work out.

My head is very dark. I hide it from you for a reason. Its been so dark that people have left me because they cant deal with being near me. I have to deal with these issues but they cant even deal with me having the issues. Thats how bad my issues are.

Im use to it but it still scares me. It makes me feel extremelly alone.

I hate people who live a normal life. Where there only life dilema is deciding what theyll have for dinner. The people that take up there spare time with meaningless activities. The ones that laugh and drink and pass out without a care in the world.

The world has taught me one important thing. Its beter to smile and ignore the issues as long as you can instead of acknowledging them and confronting them and trying to overcome them. I wish i could forget so easily but i cant. My brain refuses to not not think about other people.

I wish my brain didnt think so much about what you think. I have enough trouble with my own thoughts without having yours in my head too.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thankfulness is a 12 letter word

Its 12 right? If its not, let me know.

I feel like writing one of those shallow look at me its thanksgiving and im writing about what im thankful for so you better read it posts. You know what im talking about, they show up around every holiday and major event. Something to catch your attention and make you read.

Basically im thinking so far outside the box that i landed right back in it.

Im going to start with what @brianspaeth wanted

Thank you sun for shining every day of the year. The clouds may block your sun beans but you still shine down on us anyways. And dont worry about global warming, no one liked hummers anyways.

Im also thankful for all you on twitter you believe in saying what they want. Your right, anything that upsets you is just someone hating on you and your life. Its not possible that someone would think how you act is stupid.

Im thankful for being born with the inability to spell anything right. Ive mispelled my own name before. It pairs well with this need to write.

Im very thankful for people who still read this. Your all crazy. I mean seriously ive given you every reason to walk away. Why are you still here?

Im thankful for all the people that have left me in life. You all choose the worst times to do it. Was it all planned to make me self-destruct?

Im happily thankful for Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Great movie. And it got me my very own person Quote bot --> @The_Real_LLC <--

Im thankful for the sport of basketball and all that entitles it. I so didnt use entitles right did i.

Im thankful for Austin Daye @Adaye5. You may ride the pine for the Pistons but your still there best offensive weapon. Your like the Kevin Durant of the east. Except no one knows your the kevin durant of the east.

Im thankful for well enough spoofing and making fun of my life.

Im thankful for the girl from south carolina that stole my heart and refused to give it back to me. You give my life meaning. You give it air you give it light.

The cute way you talk about things you know is so adorable. I know you may find it hard to believe sometimes but i do actually love talking to you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Your my life.

Im not thankful for the person that just came in and ruined my thinking....

Im thankful for Ella. Im thankful she was so persistent. Im thankful she is way smarter then me. Im thankful i was easily convinced.

If you read this far, im thankful for you. I really mean it. Not many people read this stuff. Each and every reader is important to me. Thank you for being you.

I hope you have a great holiday weekend.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Don't Read This

Im serious. Dont read this. If your smart enough not to read this then you understand most of everything im about to write. If you have some doubt to that fact and choose to read on, then your already smarter.

Dear World i hate you. I hate the way you think. I hate the way you act.

I hate how you believe you what you say matters.

I hate how we search thru piles of information just looking for what makes us right, what justifies are thoughts. Just because we must be right. People must believe us.

We cannot accept others differences when we cannot understand them. We build walls around us for safety. But were keeping the world out.

I refuse to give you examples of this. Realistic "facts" that can back me up like some kind of gang of thugs with bats and chains. My words will stand alone on there own worth.

we use information as a weapon.

Information are the bullets and people that don't think the same as us are our enemies.

We tear down people's worlds so we can build are own up. We attack, we burn, we rape there worlds till they are our own.

We call them uneducated, wrong, indigenous. They are lesser being because they "know" less then us. They need us to "educate" them. They must learn the proper way to act. They must act like us.

We all refuse to see everything that the world offers and perfectly accept it as it is. There is always something wrong, a line drawn that spreads us further apart. One day we will overcome ourselves and move on.

I would ask you to use this in your life but i don't want to have to ask you. If you agree with this go with it, if you don't then dont go with it. Take whatever you want from this, its free.

Enjoy your life, just remember your not the only one living.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I Don't Sleep

I really dont sleep intill my body makes me. I hate sleeping. I just i dont know anymore. 3 AM is like nightmare time for me. And i mean like awake nightmares. I dream more when im awake then when im asleep. I guess i need some dreaming in my life and i can't do it when im asleep.

When i sleep i dont see dreams or anything i its just blank till i wake up. If im lucky and i lay in bed and try to sleep more ill see what my mind was dreaming about currently. Sometimes its a random story thats really really cool/weird or its Ella. For the past 3 years or so its been Ella though. Trust me im not complaining about that. Its awesome.

Today while playing some basketball with my 8 yr old nephew i hurt my dam ankle. He's 8 so i go easy on him like i did with his older brother. I always make them beat me with better and better jumpshots. And when im on offense i throw up distant jumpers or do some move i need to work on.

Well its cold out so i had on like a hoody and a fleece. I had jeans on too. No realizing i was wearing an added like 15 pounds in clothes i did my running jumper from the left side. I usually always make it. It felt weird so i watched it go in. As i was doing that i forgot i was still in the air.... Then i landed on the left side of my left foot and rolled my ankle really bad.... I heard a crack.... then i ran around going oww owww oowww.

I always run right after rolling my ankle, it makes my ankle not hurt afterwards. But a crack noise is something new.... I finished the game. mostly without shoes on so my ankle could expand. My shoe was hurting it alot. then the cement hurt my feet so i put my shoe back on.

Ive been walking too much with this hurt ankle tonight too. Either after i wake up its killing me and ill need to drug up on painkillers or it will be better. Either way it hurts right now...

I tried hooking up my laptop media with my ps3. It was a major fail outside of my photos.. i got music to work once then never again... technology hates me tonight... im too tired to solve problems so i gave up.

2 more of my books showed up today. Sadly they were book 2 and 3 in the larry trilogy.

Vote for larry
and like the last one about some guru thing.

Gospel according to larry is still my favorite one.

I never liked the second one because apperently buying nice jeans makes you consumerism monster. Anyways the first book explains alot about who i am.

Also im i got Slam bt walter dean myers. read that growing up too. Im at like page 90 something right now.

If you follow my twitter you know i watch scott pilgrim vs the world everynight. and actually tonight is the first night i havent, im just way too tired for it. I played a ton of games though.

I dont even remember what i was suppose to be writing about in here anymore. My head is running again.

If you haven't downloaded j Coles mixtape Friday night lights or something. Go do that right now. Especially if your a big fan of the old kanye sound, the real kanye sound. Hopefully he doesnt end up like kanye too.

Also yesterday morning the great Colt Brennan was in a car accident and was hurt badly.... i just cry on the inside thinking about it. And shut up about what i just said. Colt Brennan is the best colliegant QB of all time. Led Hawaii to an undegefeated season, top 10 BCS ranking. Broke records, who cares about the dam sugar bowl. I really hope he is ok. He is a huge part of Hawaii football tradition.

im stupid at night, i just bought the last airbender movie. my deal is that people who watched the whole show never got to see the movie. So im going to do my best to watch it and say how awesome it is.

Random Crazy No SLeep talking time

I really reallly really really love Ella, and yes im about to babble sleepyish about her. She is really cool and awesome. Yes she lives far away. Yes i live far away. But i dont care i love her. I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.

She is just the best friend ever. Were more then friends but really she is like my best friend. The best friend im going to marry. I really love talking to her. She is really smart and omg im using really a billion times right now. oww my ankle!

it just fell asleep....

ANyways i love Ella alot. Being friends is what made us so close. And uh well apperently she wanted to be closer. Its been almost 3 years so far. Took me a long time to get to the point where i could tell the world about this and not care what you all think. Part of that has to do with her almost being 17 but hey errr ok i like not getting in trouble.

I use to say and mean it too, but i would of sold my soul to be the same age as her, dam just to be closer in age. But she has really worn me down and worked me past age issues. Yes she has had to work me past age issues constantly. But i still call myself an old man and tell her i want a cane so i can limp around and complain about you younins.

In alll honesty she is pretty much older then me. Much more mature then me. Im most likely to play in the dirt and she is most likely to scold me for doing so lol. She is WAY more responsible then me. 90% of the time i act like im 5. She has told me thats one of the things she likes about me. I just make life seem more fun.

You know this is weird. I mean im older then her but she likes me because i make life less serious. Isnt it suppose to be the other way around.

I keep thinking about her father. I know he wants me dead and or in jail. But i want him to get past the bad infection in his arm. I know hill probally always hate me. I mean if i was him i would hate me forever too. Im lazy, stupid, immature, im a writer who cant spell right or use correct grammar. Im useless. And im dating his daughter. WOuldnt you hate me too?

I think when Ella turns 17 ill feel less wrong. Ive said her age before in here. But im pretty sure some of the new readers of this didnt know her age. For that i say sorry. Im 22. she is 16. Are birthdays are like 5 days apart. Please hate me if you like. I want you to. I deserve to be hated. I deserve to be beatup for this. I deserve to be in jail for liking a 16 yr old from this far away. But in the end. I love her. I really do, more then the world itself. I will love her for as long as i live and then some.

You can put me in jail but afterwards ill be with her and shell be with me and youll have changed nothing. Were going to be together no matter what. And if you want to put me in jail for it. Go right on ahead. Hey if you want to use this informantion in here to judge me, determine who i am. Go right ahead. But all i ask is, what if your true love was someone younger then you like this. What if the world would think you were wrong? Would you say its not worth it? Would you take away love from her life for as long as he or she lives? Could you kill there heart like that just to be normal?

I have no regrets. I have helped Ella thru alot. Her life is far from easy. Im happy to be here to help her thru all her problems. I know i was put in her life this early to get her thru it. We were ment to meet one day but i guess life realized i was needed sooner then expected and threw me in the fire early. This was a life decision not a me decision.

I love her, she loves me, and we want to talk about books and stuff.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Random Writing and like stuff

*yawns* im worn out from attempting to live blog the pistons game from last night and then doing a summary of the game. Then wasting a few hours trying to get on a site that didnt work with the new new internet explorer.

Oh wowwww i really hate how i put bad music on my ipod so i have bad music on my ipod...

SO yeah i kinda have my story stuff broke down, but i have a paper due in accounting, yes... accounting paper... A research project coming up in my stupid computer class that i try to tweet about while im in it. And i have my internship paper due by end of the semester. But i will make time for my story.

Also i wanna continue...oh f*ck this ive been having problems typing right ever since i tried to type "politically correct" for the pistons game summary.... now im having a hard time writing like myself... give me a minute...

Please take time to hear some awesome music you should buy during this brief intermission.

Ok OK OK i think im ready to write like myself again. Hope you enjoyed are brief intermission entertainment.

Uhhh where was i again >.>

oh yeah. stuff.

Anyways i want to keep trying to do game summaries of the pistons games and get them on some sites and maybe roll that into something more. Also i want to do a really really really good report thing on Austin Daye.

*random word moment*

To Fly To Fly

to escape from my life. to run further then anyone else. to hide from the world in a place not yet touched by life.

i really wish i could just escape into space and live in the darkness, live in the quiet. live without this needless air that fils my lungs.

Err yeah i just had this random need today to write junk like that. It was better earlier in the day but i kind of forgot how it went. Its not suppose to be anything its just like what i felt. Sometimes my feelings just like turn into words in my head. I don't really try to write like that at all.

This is why i dont like writing normal, its throwing off my whole me thing. I keep thinking about making this good, i never cared about this before. ima just close my eyes and write whatever comes out...

Oh i bought a ton of books even though i cant afford them... i bought
~the triology of the Gospel according to Larry books.
the first book really affected me after my dad died.

~On the devil's court.
its about a high school dude who moves to seatle and sells his soul to be good at basketball. His life is kind of shitty and he just falls back on basketball which isnt going much better.

another high school basketball one about inner city basketball stars who are taking 2 different paths to the top.

~Maniac Magee
about a homeless kid that always runs. no joke thats bascially it. but its really really really good.

I read all these books growing up but the last two gospel according to lary books. The basketball ones are really good. They kind of explain how i became me growing up. Though i did look at each book differently then everyone else did. Especially the Maniac Magee one, apperently it was about racism and i never noticed that >.<

Not much has really happened since the last blog post i just wanted to write because life is being a real straight b*tch right now. And i constantly feel like im writing bad....

Oh if you follow my twitter @cazjuice youll know ive watched Scott Pilgrim vs The World every night for the last 5 nights....

**foggy cloud smoke and sad dream music** <--obviously flashback time <---

Awhile back i was really really really depressed about Ella being gone for a really really really long time. (yes i know nothing in my life really changed)

I had just spent 2 months in the middle of nowhere manistee michigan on an internship. There is nothing to do there, even the locals told me there was nothing to do... i asked.. alot. Always same answer.... jerks..

Anyways last day of job, i packed up all my crap in like minutes, left a note for the cousins because i failed at finding them before i left. And i drove back home at the literal speed of light.

I did a 3 hour trip basically in 2 >.> dont uhh tell the cops and junk.

I raced into town. Went to best buy. Bought hard drive cover for the old hard drive out of my old laptop that i broke during my stay in the middle of nowhere. Out of anger at not being able to get online to wait for Ella >.>

up north was a really bad time for me...... lets just leave it at that please...

And at best buy i bought a $50 itunes card. And then drove downtown to the Rave <-- movie building place <-- Manistee had no movie theaters!!! that should be illegal i swear.

I saw scott pilgrim vs the world was in the theater and read a little about it upnorth and wanted to see it.

*long pause*

And then i saw the movie

*another long pause*

The movie was just all my relationships throw right into my face for like an hour and a half.

Dated the hair color changing girl. She broke my heart bad.... Dated two girls at once... Dated a high schooler.... Oh and im constantly fighting for El la....

I don't remember how i got home from the movie. I just remember suddenly being in my brothers room and talking to them about stuff.

SO anyways Scott Pilgrim vs The World is my ultimate depressive movie. Im about to watch it some more after im done with this.

Dont get me wrong its a great movie. It doesnt depress me as much as it use too.

This blog is getting way longer then it should be for random writing. And im getting tired. If you read this. your awesome. And if you have a twitter i can list you and keep you up to date on my blog instead of being selfish and tweeting this blog out randomly to all my followers.

Also if you have a twitter and read this and tell me you did ill personally thank you for doing so. Well as personal as you can get on twitter lol.

Time to finish Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Night.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Actually Trying

So as i announced on my twitter, im actually trying to write story like this time. Since i think i want to become a writer. So im going to write about one subject on here or at least try. So like here i go and sh*t.

I guess the best thing to talk about is to talk about how i met Ella in alot more detail. Yes im writing about Ella AGAIN, get use to it, she's always on my mind and im not kidding about it.

On a random insert note. Im watching Scott Pilgrim vs the world for the 3rd night in a row. Its pretty much my depressive movie since it hurts to watch.

I knew her cousins first, there from Rhode Island. Met them all playing a game. Met the oldest one, he's like my age. He's married with twins. He designs games and stuff. I actually started talking to his little sister. Well she yelled at me and ran away. And i started randomly complaining about that to random people and he was one of them. Then from then i met all 5 of them.

Theres like 3 sisters and 2 older brothers. The one i first met is like 21 or 20 or 22 or something or other. Then the other dude is like 19 or 18, maybe 17. Wow im bad with age.

Anywho they have 3 lil sisters. So basically talked with the oldest guy and like entertained the younger ones lol.

To explain this some more. They played this online game. I played it. Then i did the therapist thing for his family. You know like care so much and watch things just catch on fire.

Oldest dude asked me look out for his family since he didnt live with them anymore. Yeah i kind of failed but did all i really could...

ok out of story for a second

is my whole writing backwards randomly thing annoying or just different?

Ok back to the story that i suck at telling.

So eventually like christmas rolled around. And they had a bunch of family come to there house and apperently i was a big deal to the lil girls the older brother had me keep an eye on for him.

By the way, talking to little girls about cartoons and cookies is just yeah. Next time good friend asks me to watch over his family im going to have to be like "i dont know..."

More detail: Yeah talked to them, made sure they at least had to lie about doing there homework, made sure they went to bed. stuff like that. For some reason i have a talent for communicating over the internet.

Well its only a talent if people actually are willing to listen to me. If you hate me i end up being really annoying.

What was i talking about? oh yea! christmas! Yeah so they had a bunch of family come over for christmas, and the lil girls were like "you have to talk to this really cool guy!" and next thing i know im meeeting a million cousins.

Ok i met like 4 or 5 of them i think. Not a million, though i did meet a bunch one random night.

I met Ella's sister. All i remember is that her oldest sister hated me and that liked to make fun of me, and that her middle sister was weird and joined in with the making fun of me.

Anyways i was suppose to talk to all 3 at once. And the oldest one wasnt around, the middle one was there being annoying as hell. And then they told me the youngest one, Ella, was somewhere else just on her own in the game.

I was like 0.o get on to talk to someone, dont talk to them, off doing own thing. who is this person..... there so mysterious.... omg tell me where she is i have to talk to her!

Yes.... i kind of yeah.... she was interesting!! I dont know why i acted like that. I just had to meet her. Usually when i hear or meet a really really really interesting girl i have to just go meet them no matter what. And Ella sounded really interesting.

Well i found her and i was right, she was really interesting. She talked in this really polite manor with like a high level vocab lol. She just sounded really smart and the whole time i was like 0.0 this person is really cool.

So basically i kept talking to her alot because she was just really really cool. She read alot of books, listened to really old music, Dressed cool. Basicaly she was more awesome then a rainbow at night.

Then the oldest brother was like why do you keep asking to talk to her.... and i replied back "she is really cool" Then he told me no one has ever said she is cool, maybe annoying or a bookwork, but never cool. Then i went on about how cool she was and he said i was weird and err looked at me funny. Then i realized what he was getting at...

And basically at the same time Ella's sister and cousins were talking about me. And her oldest sister said something rude about me, i think she called me stupid. Then Ella defended me, they made fun of her for that and said she had a crush on me.

You i just realized we even acted the same then too. We have a really bad habit of acting the same when were apart. Its weird.

Then after that we kind of like talked more. For errr hours >.> and hours umm and alot more hours. About music, books, just cool stuff like that. We talked about music for like ever.

Then next thing i know it just escaladed. I mean i was happy with being her best friend forever and ever. I didnt really understand how i felt about her i just knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life around her.

Yes i knew that much but i didnt know i liked her....

Anyways next thing i know she is embarressed around me alot. And i kind of demanded we kept talking when she went back home after the holidays >.> err ok ok ok i liked her alot i just didnt know what it ment.

Well soon after that she is really embarressed and about all her family has noticed her blushing and rubbing her arm as she talks to me. Well then she kissed me >///>

Yes im that good at communicating online that its like were doing things in person. All kinds of things. Wow that makes me sound wrong...

its been about almost 3 years since this all happened. I would really like some comments on how readable this is. Is it book worthy. I know the way i write is messed up. I know i cant spell, grammar sucks. But this is the way i think. I write this how i think so its unfiltered.

Also there should be a family rant coming up soon. Since its the holiday season and im getting really tired of my family already. I have a bad habit of freaking out every holiday seasone because of my family. This year isnt looking good so yeah....

If i get some positive "reviews" ill consider writing part of my story about me and Ella thru this.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Me vs Myself

Everyone always talking about how its Me vs The World. Im alone in my fight for freedom. Blah Blah Blah. It must be a one sided battle because i dont see how the world is fighting you, i only see you fighting the world.

And what a nice way to start up tonight/this mornings blog. The problem with my depression is. Once i come out of it i start to realize how shitty my actual life is. Me and Ella are doing better. But i just realized im a community college student with no money, mite possibly lose the only home ive ever known, and im stuck in the worst classes ever. Yay for me....

Lets not make this a self pity party, im not the one that got 80 million bill collector calls today, which half went to other members of the family..... I keep telling my mom to call up the better business bureau but she just doesnt want to fight them. Then after class she had my nephew adam. He is about 3. We took him to the park.

Adam ran up to the top of the slide thing and then realized it was really high up and got scared =/ I feel really bad about that still... Maybe preparing them for life isnt important...

Then while she is dropping me back off here, there is a property tax notice on are house....

Life just keeps repeating itself, just like when i was younger, with a different nephew in the back seat as we stared at bills...

Nothing changes. Its just me and my mom and her bills. My older sibs want me to just give up and leave, but they didnt spend the hours with mom, the late nights, the striving just to make ends meet.

I think im happy im a fat ass, that way no one can tell i grew up poor and still am.

This part of me has been in me for so long. The hardened child. Pissed off at the world for bringing this hell to my doorstep. Destroying my family. Breaking up the only life i have...

It angers me so much. This is where all my anger stems from. The root, the begining, the source of all that is mean inside me.

Its not good when im remembering the past, ive had to do so much to get over it. Just ill never forget that one day "its ok i just wont eat" Ever since i was little ive been willing to do whatever it takes to help my mom. My mom did alot to get me out to this point in my life. Not many nice things too. She kept me alive though.

I refused to give up on her, and in return she kept me alive.

Sorry just kind of wanted to get that off my mind. There are alot of things people dont know about me, would never guess or think about me. I do my best to hide what i should be. I at least act like im not poor.I grew up ghetto outside the ghetto, talk about an outsider.

I bet Ella's father can just smell the poorness on me from that far away, its probally why he will never want me near her. Nothing to do with age or anything like that. Im just not rich enough for his daughter.

He worked to hard to give his family a good life. He doesnt want it ruined by some guy his daughter likes. Trust issues at there finest.

Ella related news

since everyone keeps asking about her or at least bringing up the name, which is freaking me out btw.

Her computer is crap, worse then crap, like ultra crap. Basically for the last week she has been trying to get it to connect but it wont work. Last night it worked, we talked about stuff. Friends who arent around anymore. Writing books about this stuff, The whole age issue. Yes we discuss it and what it means.

Do touch on an extremely rough subject. I met her before she "matured" and well we were really good friends for awhile. She got more then that from me, she apperently liked being more then friends in the term side of things. But we were just best friends that loved each other. You know? kinda like we liked each other alot and knew we ment love. Anyways then she got older... And all hell broke lose from so many sides.

As we agree on, I was ment to meet her then. I was ment to meet Ella then to stop the hell from ruining everything. You can say all you want but i was suppose to be there to get her thru all this.

Ive been told im very insightful and what not. Even called a mind reader from time to time. Just trust me, the other possible future for Ella isnt pretty. God, life, whatever you want to call it put me here and put me here now for her. We were ment to meet later, like normal people, but apperently lifes hand was forced.

If you were forced to meet the future love of your life before you were suppose to so you could save her could you? Would you? What if she was way younger then you were suppose to meet her? Could you handle the situation? I feel like i went back in time and im meeting my lil girl version of my wife....

All in all why couldnt life make us closer! As pointed out in the begining of this, Im so poor that homeless guys make jokes about me on the corner, ok not that poor but you get the idea. Why cant i be capable of doing something?

God i barely know what she looks like. Yes thats true. Now wrap your looks based heads around that little nut. F*ck your ideas of attraction, love, and all that. I love Ella for who she is, for how she thinks, for how she talks. It isnt something superficial that attracts me, its her mind and heart that attracts me.

Obviously i havent written in here in awhile and all its built up, sorry this is so long. If you read this far i owe you alot, thank you.

I talk to my sister beth about Ella alot, i kind of woke up the other night, thinking it was thursday around 8 am, it was actually 8 pm wednesday. My sister felt odd explaining that to me...

Anyways i dont really dream, its all blank when i sleep, but i do wake up with the thoughts left over from what was happening. Its always Ella. Has been for the longest time.

I woke up thinking about being jealous of her loving other people.... i know that sounds soooo bad. I cant help it v.v i like feeling like the only person she loves in the world, omg that sounds even worse.... i just ok ok ok im selfish!!!

i know i cant be the only person in her life *pouts a little >.>* but i dont like sharing her love ever since that issue that happened with her and. its done with.

But i called my sister up like i said and talked about it with her, i wanted to understand what it ment to love someone differently. Beth didnt really explain it well but talking to her really helped me understand it better. I have two sisters, krystal and beth, so they kinda do the whole sister love thing. So talking to beth about that helped.

Ok listening to this kid cudi at 4 am is seriously messing with my head... and why does my alarm clock say 6 though...

Anyways thats the kind of stuff thats been happening with my and Ella, Besides us talking about doing a book and she offering the title "love at first byte"... She is perfectly fine with this whole long distance computer thing, but i always feel like a bad person... Like you have to meee in a coffee shop and go on dates to the movies for it to count...=/

BTW one of my favorit teachers who is having a horrible semester and who i constantly stand up for outside of class made fun of me slightly before class... There are not words yet invented to describe how mad that makes me....

almost all my sibs are married to people who are younger then them by alot more then me and Ella... im dead serious.... I feel so wrong constantly every second Even though Ella would probally hunt me down if i ever tried to say no cause of age.

My oldest brother is 7 years older then his wife and my other brother is like 9 yrs older then his wife. MY sister is like 3 yrs younger then her husband but that doesnt really matter. And my other sister tried to be married to a dude from the dominican republic, massive fail with 2 kids along for that ride. THere fantastic nephews though.

Lets see last brother tried dating a drug adict. And oldest bro is on marriage like number 3, first one was after he got a 15 yr old pregnant in high school. yet again still an awesome nephew out of that even if he is like 2 years younger then me.

I mean seriously i cant be the worst relationship to come out of my family. I swear it must be genetic though....

I must admit me and my other 2 brothers (not counting the 3rd...) must be like the most committed husbands ever. Well i will be. We all saw how are parents worked out or didnt... and we refuse to do the same.

I think im a depressive eater. Well depressive distractor as ive come to call it now. Anything to distract me from my life, waste money, get food, sleep. Just anything that give upable mid way thru it.

Physically i kinda of stop sometimes and break down a little from time to time. Other things are hard to do because of that...

btw i realized the fair use thing lets me show music and stuff on her for comment, and i really do want to comment on the new kid cudi album, some songs just like his first album i cant listen to, but others just speak to me. Its a really good album with instant classics. I think ive given up on kanye, he has lost himself, Kid Cudi, Mr.hudson, Jcole, and delazoo for me. Well here is one of my fav kid cudi songs from his new album.

thanks for reading this far if you did, your a miracle worker.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I dont know what to call this

Anyways ive been waiting a few weeks now. There will be a reason. It will make sense. And yes it will make me worry about her. But till then im just waiting day after day after day after day trying my best to stay sane. Its getting kind of annoying after all this time.

I know i chose this life, i agreed to what it would be. But honestly im litterally infront of a laptop 24/7 365.. i plan my days around it. I wait i wait i wait. Im have to. This is my life force and all that. My only connection to her.

by the way thanks for not being so judgemental.

I just kind of sit here and stare at my laptop for weeks waiting for something to happen.

I may explode if i find out she's making me wait on purpose.... A friend did that to me bout 2 months ago... it wasnt pretty. When im mad i get angry and maybe hit things. when i want to kill something i become mean and hurtful and break watever made me mad in the most painful way. Which mostly leads to attacks on the soul. I hate that about me personally. I naturally know how to make a person feel as worse as they can... I do my best to never do that though. I never do it but it slips evey year or so.

This is pretty much why i started blogging, its something i can do on my laptop while i wait.

I miss basketball, i miss playing catch, i miss my family. I still do that stuff, but its always a risk if i do it late in the day. mornings are a foreign topic to me. I spend my nights waiting and hoping.

Seriously though i have the patience of a tree, not a monk, but a fricken tree. I can wait forever and ever and ever.

im in like a 5x5 room waiting. I cant just walk away without first checking the time, make sure i wont be gone too long or too far away, and make sure i leave warnings to why im gone. Then i leave and feel guilty as hell while im gone.

For the last few years my family has gotten mad at me

Fam: "justin can you come over for a minute?"

Me: "umm im not sure >.>"

Fam: "why not?"

Me: "i dont know"

Fam: "yes or no....."

me: "no >.>"

Fam: "bye..."

Call me anytime after 5 pm and i just cant leave to go help you. You have to be very convincing to get me to risk leaving for a bit. It feels like i leave a large part of me behind when i leave.

Its my only connection to her. I just wait and hope that something mite happen that will make her show up and talk to me.

Before you go making assumption about how maybe she just doesnt want to talk to me. She get busy, has troubles with getting on to talk to me, school, computer. And if you think she mite be lying to me, ill meet you in the parking lot around 4 pm.

also if your wondering why my words are so scattered in these blogs its because its how i think. thought after thought after thought right after another in short periods of time. Like every few seconds. Sorry.

Anyways im going to go back to waiting somemore. If you see me tweeting, im waiting, if you dont see me tweeting im probally just to far gone while im waiting so im just reading my timeline for a few hours...

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Rain Rain Go Away

Ok first off i actually do like the rain but "depression depression go away" seemed like too long of a title. Ok now that we got this out of the air.

If you read my blogs, which like now 3 people do. More like one but she says i do a really good job. I deleted the last blog. It was very personal and talked about the worst experiences of my life. All that suicidal depression stuff thats not too important.

Since i blogged that all out ive been feeling more like myself. I havent felt like myself in half a year if not longer. Last night i spent a few hours with my sisters. I think that help, though one was drunk, but that made everything more funnier.


Ok now if your not confused slightly about that im trying to write about then your a mind reading and you have to read anymore. But if your normal keep reading.

I want to write about how happy she makes me. I dont know why i started thinking about that. But i just sat down and something made me remember stuff. My brain works like that. Its weird i know


The thing i remembered was how she told me to say emotional instead of emo. How it wasnt right to call them emo. Ok if you know me in person you know that i stand up against any kind of indifference. I dont racial generalization. Stuff like thatl I really dont like anything like that. Honestly she suprised the heck out of me. It was something i would do. I thought it was so awesome. She was so cool. Yes i know i sound stupid right now but its how i felt.


Books are kind of a big deal for Ella. Some people breath air and Ella reads books. She could read before she could talk. Well she says she could talk she just prefered to read instead. Honestly even though im older i seriously think she learned to read before me >.>

I like to read, i need books with lots of info and things to think about. Basically good books make my mind think about more then just the words on the page. I use to talk alot to Ella about what books she was reading. i havent done that enough lately and i regret that greatly.

Also when i first met her all i wanted to do was listen to her talk about books she was reading. I know your not alone, her cousins thought i was really weird too.

Maybe one day me and Ella will right a book

Assorted Random Stuff

We both rant. About stuff. Im sorry were those people who if you say the wrong/right thing will start talking about it for 5 minutes straight with no end. Even worse is that we enjoy listening to each other rant >.>

I think later on were going to become one of those super happy couples that give advice to everyone and everyone will hate us for it >.<

I going to try and keep this as happy as i can. But with me being all yeah its kind of hard.


When we first met she blushed a ton. I didnt know that till one of her younger cousins told me. She use to rub her arm and blush alot when she talked to me. I honestly had no idea. I was just talking to this really smart interesting cool awesome person that i never wanted to stop talking to. And yes i know how did it not seem obvious to me. But i had no idea that she liked me or that i even liked her. Im a guy im oblivious to my own feelings, what would you honestly expect.

She still blushs alot after all this time. And she still makes me insanely nervous from time to time. I guess with are lack of communication i feel a need to capitalize on it when it does happy and not just spend time with her. two street of faults here.

sorry about the random inserts of thoughts. but yeah i do call this the randomness of a unkept mind. by the way, screw proper english and grammer!

Explaining time and stuff

If your still wondering about time spending and distance and all that, wonder no more. You see way back i caught a fish with a coin in it and it granted me one wish. My one wish was to be able to teleport anywhere. Im a lazy person ill admit it, and teleporting makes life so much easier. So anyways i just teleport to the fridge and stuff and to Ella.

If you believe that then the internet is run by magical fairys and i got a sweet deal with this nigerian prince dude and all you have to do is loan me half the bank transfer costs.

I know ive talked about this before but i would like to again. Long distance is impossible, especially if it never started close. By the way i hate couples who move away and split up and agree to see other people but get back together when there one day closer... Seriously? that stuff is just so wrong.

Ok back on topic!



long distance closeness

Bascailly ive learned when dealing with long distance you have to do all you possibly can to make it feel like your right next to the person. Also it doesnt help when your girlfriend is a super book reader and has no idea reading words and imagining them. But i have to put alot of effort into making it seem like im there. IF i dont then its just not good... Its alot of talking and symbols and showing how much i love her. Its like sending my spirit to her so she can have me or something or other.


i just cant wait till im dome with waiting. I know im waiting for her but its been years >.< plus i really dont handle waiting well when i shouldnt be waiting >.< like if she is here and then has to do something small. It upsets me =/ its probally that seperation anxiety. My whole life i never had anything wrong with me. No allergys, no phychological barriers, no physical walls, nothing at all... And no its like im trapped in an invisibly box..


Anyways thanks for reading. I just wanted to talk about how happy she makes me. Talking about the bad stuff really helped rest my mind. I feel like its healing. I really want to pay my respect to how happy she truely makes me. I love Ella, she is a perfect angel. *pauses to let his weirdness sink in* anywho thanks. I know that many people read this but if your one of the few that does, thanks for letting my life spread to yours. In some way it kind of feels like yours spreads to mine just by you reading this *more weirdness*

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The North Pole

Im going to try and avoid too much detail about what led to my er depression and uhh thing that starts with S attemps. ANYWAYS. It proved to me that evil does exsist in our world. It beat me down, many times. And honestly i think the only reason im still here is because everytime it came close to ending i would think about how bad Ella's life would be then that i just sucked it up and stayed alive.

Death is an escape. An escape that i desperatly wanted for myself. But i couldnt take it, i just had to last out the pain brought upon me. Brought upon by her sister... Im not going to discuss it, maybe one day, but not now, it is very private and.. just destructive. Its a dark place.

I dont know what gene was put in me to make me never give up no matter what, but without it i would of been dead a long time ago. I dont know if its not giving up or more of a refusal to lose. Things turned somewhat better lately. Events took place to at least dormant that dark place for the time being. I wont forget where it is. I wont sleep on it. I will be prepared next time.

Ella has been back. But lately its been all iffy. Her computer has been breaking down alot and she has had to get it repaired alot. We had a tiff over a thing. But i mean in the end im just going to do what makes her happy, i cant not make her happy. But its going to hurt eventually, because hopefully she'll want it again. I know she will but i dont want to sound rude about this. Its just me changing for her and having that change not be so good later on >.<

We talked last night for the first time in like 2 weeks. Two weeks doesnt sound that long but when your like me and have waited months upon months upon months upon months with no answer, just hope. Time just turns bad when i have to wait now. Its motionless, its like a nightmare. Waiting, feels like im floating thru space. Not the good kind either, the dark, cold, airless space. No control, just constant waiting for something to happen.

Anyways back to the point of this blog, we talked last night and just. Well those dark times were as far negative as i could go. Tonight felt like the exact opposite. It felt good, it felt happy, it felt warm. We talked about life, work, grades, friends birthdays. And this next part is kinda confusing (why does thinking about what happen make my body act all weird -.- love is so weird sometimes) i know we live far away, and i know the world has there asumptions about it. And first of all if we lived closer. Yes i would be a giant idiot but i would do anything and everything for her attention. I would run for miles just to get to her house, i would fall over on purpose to make her laugh. I would just be everything i could for her. But seeing as were not close, i do what i can. Love makes the impossible possible. Basically, i do my best to make it feel like were right next to each other. I mean seriously. When 2 people really put there minds on believing it and trying to feel that, it really does feel like there right here.

The point im trying to make is we kissed. Yes were not close to each other. But we still make each other feel those feelings of being kissed. We wrap are minds in this. We let it be believable. We let it become are reality. If you cant understand it, its ok, you dont have to. Just dont say its not real or possible.

We kissed and it felt like the polar opposite of all the bad things that have ever happened in my life. I honestly never thought i would be the same again, but right now i feel just fantastic, great, amazing, truelly happy for the first time in around a year.

I cant really explain what it did, we kissed once, then i just wanted again, and i asked again (yes i was asking >/////< ) and i was err slow >.> and she kissed me and i kinda couldnt think, i just felt. I felt weightless, i felt like i was in heaven, and i was just looking into her eyes. She was confused slightly because err i didnt make alot of sounds that sounded like words afterwards >///> just that of uhhuhs and mhms uhh anyways!!! Then my brain caught up some and said i wanted to kiss her and make her as happy as she made me, so i did and she started using less words and more sounds too lol.

Were hopeless i know lol thanks for reading.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Do You Understand?

**Blog is extra long feel free to skip around to parts you want to read**

Today im just going out to flush out all the bad thoughts ive been having lately. You know those ones you get when you spend too much time with your family. Spent the whole weekend with them so i got some stuff i gotta say.

Everyone in my family is different, we all live differently, and we all want everyone else in the family to live our way. Basically we butt heads alot of touchy issues. Like my family wanting me to buy a car that would cost all my family while i would still have to get to school. Most my family trys to live that basic american dream of a life, middle class, sububran home *obviously i cant spell very well* wife, kids, maybe a pet, you get the idea. They all learned it from dad. I hate it. I hate it so much because i remember what happened with my dad in the end. How he overextended himself trying to make it all work. How my mother did it too. They like to blame her but when your married, no matter how bad the marriage is, your still in it together.

To keep this part short. I just want to live life the way i think is right.

*random topic switch*

Ella's computer is broken again so im just like staring at her picture like constantly. I miss her alot.

Right now... uhh shouldnt of tweeted mid blog writting. Tweet: "When people judge my writting they usually say how bad its put 2gether -.- i write that way bcuzthats how i think..i want 2 express that" then the next one "broken up thoughts that happen fast paced. Its hard to read but thats how i think and i want that to show in my writting." So yeah i knew wat i was going to say then my head went in 5 different directions and i forgot.

i think i remember now. In the end i think these im going to turn this whole experience into a book. Like what i write in here. The last 3 years of my life basically. I think i need to tell the story one way or another. And honestly ive always known that ill need her to help me write it.

Im the kind of person that if you try to make me do something i dont want to that ill just stop whatever im doing, even worst ill go negative. My sister wants me to walk for my associates, if she pushs me anymore im dropping half way thru this semester, its my last semester too and im done.

my grades seem to be ok but im just stressed out constantly. Teachers arent making it easier too. Im basically winging this semester and hoping it works out.

*this blog will be really long*

I worked on my basketball game in my sisters driveway saturday afternoon, and went really hard saturday night for like half a game and we stopped. but it was like full speed stop and goes to stop then jumps as right arm is being pulled away, then pull arm back and shoot right b4 i land lol. spent whole sunday walking and doing useless crap with family. Didnt feel too bad sunday actually, woke up today, put sock on and pulled my hammy a little.... im dead serious, ive been sore as hell all day. From my arms to my legs.

*this isnt gritty truthful stuff right now* **video game alert*

Ok so i play NBA 2k11 alot right now. I start my Pistons Association which is basically liek franchise mode in madden but its basketball. Did a fantasy draft and my team is.

PG Rajon Rando
SG Goran Dragic
SF Tayshaun Prince
PF Kevin Love
C Ben Wallce
Austin Daye
Jordan Crawford
Charlie Villinueva
Ben Gordon
Darko Milicic
Josh McRoberts
Stephan Barry
Dante Cunningham

Its got as much piston blood as i could get into it. Im not a big stuckey and rip fan in the video game, its boring playing with them, sorry.

**back to my life**

You ever love someone so much that you will your heart to them. Your heart, your love, and your life. Just mentally make it leave your body and go to theres? Im attached to her in the best of ways. As she is to me. Not in the bad way, like we love each other so much that we just want to be near each other. I just love how her mind works and stuff. She reads alot which ive mention b4. She always wants to make everyone happy, she is nice to everyone, which as you probally already guessed can be bad for her sometimes. But i know this is kinda bad, but when she relaxes and just hangs out, she will laugh when things happen to people, its like if you knew it would be unbelievable, like if you stub your toe shill be like are you ok??? But when she is just perfectly relaxed shill start laughing at you lol. I know that sounds bad i just find it really cute. She just seems to act all little kid sneaky like she is enjoying a stolen cookie right infront of her mom without her mom noticing lol. Just so innoccent but yet all lil kid devious lol. It shocks me alot when that happens lol cuz shill start laughing at me lol.

I feel almost happy right now, nba 2k11 is playing that song that features kid cudi and its really good and i started thinking about Ella and kinda err ranted about her... uhh oops sorry. anyways I dont get happy very often, almost never. But i feel happy right now, i havent felt happy in a really long time. Its nice.

Thanks for reading this far down if you did. Todays blog was all over the place, i really doubt there is someone who will unnderstand everything in here.

P.S this is Akon~Angel. I have to thank him for making this song, Because Ella is an angel and i now i have a song that reminds me of that.