Friday, November 26, 2010

Turn Up The Lights

My eyes hurt, im avg about 5 hours of sleep every 2 days right now. Its like my subconscious wants to kill me. Guess that beats my conscious trying to kill me.

I think im refusing sleep because im pushing myself to wait for her every second of the day. I know that sounds bad its just that i miss her a lot. Its like going months without ever seeing your best friend. Well its like that but we love each other, like love love, you know?

I feel like telling you a secret. Sometimes before i goto bed. I say her name outloud to myself. To remind me she is real. She is physically real. Somewhere she exsists. Im not crazy, this isnt a dream, im not in a coma.

You she is kind of tall. Like well her body kind of had a growth issue so she grew really tall. I dont know why im telling you this, i just feel extra honest right now, or extra crazy, im not sure which so just roll with it.

She wears really cute glasses, well there cute to me. Err anyways. Well the first picture she showed me was without her glasses. I must admit it was kind of disapointing to not see her wearing glasses by was really happy either way.

One day this will be a book and ill be able to let you know all the dark truths of the story. But with a book your read it and dont have direct contact with me. You read this and you get to talk directly to me and i will hear you. I prefer to be hated behind my back and not infront of please.

I want to explain how this happened. I know you will make asumptions about it. Claim untrue facts of the situation. It drives me crazy. You make it seem so easy to avoid all this. The more i listen to you the more crazy it makes me and it makes me wonder if i was pushed toward it a little.

Deny Deny Deny. But yeah it was pushed upon me but in defense of her. I obviously liked her alot. Just didnt hit me that she mite want more then friendship.

god the years of trying to stay close but not too close as she wanted me close. You seriously dont know the half of it, not even 3/4th of it. Its crazy man, crazy...

Its like i met her too soon to make sure she got thru all these problems in life. I feel like we were suppose to meet a few years from now at like a book store or something. Then life was like, wait she mite not make it to the bookstore, im sending you in early so she stays alive. I feel like that Tim Lincecum being forced to pitch the last 4 innings of a game before his actual start because if they dont win there wont be an actual start.

I guess a big problem lies with how i feel about this. I think about what other people think too much. And when it comes to this i think people hate me, thing im weird and disgusting, think im wrong, think im taking advantage of her, im not mentally mature enough on my own, im fully my actual age, im socially awkward. Im this im that. The words grow louder and louder in my head. I dont need to hear you speak the words to know you think them somewhere in your head.

in about 14 months ill be free from these thoughts. Ill be normal. Ill be a normal guy dating a normal girl. Ill stop being hated. The voices will stop. It will all work out.

My head is very dark. I hide it from you for a reason. Its been so dark that people have left me because they cant deal with being near me. I have to deal with these issues but they cant even deal with me having the issues. Thats how bad my issues are.

Im use to it but it still scares me. It makes me feel extremelly alone.

I hate people who live a normal life. Where there only life dilema is deciding what theyll have for dinner. The people that take up there spare time with meaningless activities. The ones that laugh and drink and pass out without a care in the world.

The world has taught me one important thing. Its beter to smile and ignore the issues as long as you can instead of acknowledging them and confronting them and trying to overcome them. I wish i could forget so easily but i cant. My brain refuses to not not think about other people.

I wish my brain didnt think so much about what you think. I have enough trouble with my own thoughts without having yours in my head too.

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