Friday, November 12, 2010

Me vs Myself

Everyone always talking about how its Me vs The World. Im alone in my fight for freedom. Blah Blah Blah. It must be a one sided battle because i dont see how the world is fighting you, i only see you fighting the world.

And what a nice way to start up tonight/this mornings blog. The problem with my depression is. Once i come out of it i start to realize how shitty my actual life is. Me and Ella are doing better. But i just realized im a community college student with no money, mite possibly lose the only home ive ever known, and im stuck in the worst classes ever. Yay for me....

Lets not make this a self pity party, im not the one that got 80 million bill collector calls today, which half went to other members of the family..... I keep telling my mom to call up the better business bureau but she just doesnt want to fight them. Then after class she had my nephew adam. He is about 3. We took him to the park.

Adam ran up to the top of the slide thing and then realized it was really high up and got scared =/ I feel really bad about that still... Maybe preparing them for life isnt important...

Then while she is dropping me back off here, there is a property tax notice on are house....

Life just keeps repeating itself, just like when i was younger, with a different nephew in the back seat as we stared at bills...

Nothing changes. Its just me and my mom and her bills. My older sibs want me to just give up and leave, but they didnt spend the hours with mom, the late nights, the striving just to make ends meet.

I think im happy im a fat ass, that way no one can tell i grew up poor and still am.

This part of me has been in me for so long. The hardened child. Pissed off at the world for bringing this hell to my doorstep. Destroying my family. Breaking up the only life i have...

It angers me so much. This is where all my anger stems from. The root, the begining, the source of all that is mean inside me.

Its not good when im remembering the past, ive had to do so much to get over it. Just ill never forget that one day "its ok i just wont eat" Ever since i was little ive been willing to do whatever it takes to help my mom. My mom did alot to get me out to this point in my life. Not many nice things too. She kept me alive though.

I refused to give up on her, and in return she kept me alive.

Sorry just kind of wanted to get that off my mind. There are alot of things people dont know about me, would never guess or think about me. I do my best to hide what i should be. I at least act like im not poor.I grew up ghetto outside the ghetto, talk about an outsider.

I bet Ella's father can just smell the poorness on me from that far away, its probally why he will never want me near her. Nothing to do with age or anything like that. Im just not rich enough for his daughter.

He worked to hard to give his family a good life. He doesnt want it ruined by some guy his daughter likes. Trust issues at there finest.

Ella related news

since everyone keeps asking about her or at least bringing up the name, which is freaking me out btw.

Her computer is crap, worse then crap, like ultra crap. Basically for the last week she has been trying to get it to connect but it wont work. Last night it worked, we talked about stuff. Friends who arent around anymore. Writing books about this stuff, The whole age issue. Yes we discuss it and what it means.

Do touch on an extremely rough subject. I met her before she "matured" and well we were really good friends for awhile. She got more then that from me, she apperently liked being more then friends in the term side of things. But we were just best friends that loved each other. You know? kinda like we liked each other alot and knew we ment love. Anyways then she got older... And all hell broke lose from so many sides.

As we agree on, I was ment to meet her then. I was ment to meet Ella then to stop the hell from ruining everything. You can say all you want but i was suppose to be there to get her thru all this.

Ive been told im very insightful and what not. Even called a mind reader from time to time. Just trust me, the other possible future for Ella isnt pretty. God, life, whatever you want to call it put me here and put me here now for her. We were ment to meet later, like normal people, but apperently lifes hand was forced.

If you were forced to meet the future love of your life before you were suppose to so you could save her could you? Would you? What if she was way younger then you were suppose to meet her? Could you handle the situation? I feel like i went back in time and im meeting my lil girl version of my wife....

All in all why couldnt life make us closer! As pointed out in the begining of this, Im so poor that homeless guys make jokes about me on the corner, ok not that poor but you get the idea. Why cant i be capable of doing something?

God i barely know what she looks like. Yes thats true. Now wrap your looks based heads around that little nut. F*ck your ideas of attraction, love, and all that. I love Ella for who she is, for how she thinks, for how she talks. It isnt something superficial that attracts me, its her mind and heart that attracts me.

Obviously i havent written in here in awhile and all its built up, sorry this is so long. If you read this far i owe you alot, thank you.

I talk to my sister beth about Ella alot, i kind of woke up the other night, thinking it was thursday around 8 am, it was actually 8 pm wednesday. My sister felt odd explaining that to me...

Anyways i dont really dream, its all blank when i sleep, but i do wake up with the thoughts left over from what was happening. Its always Ella. Has been for the longest time.

I woke up thinking about being jealous of her loving other people.... i know that sounds soooo bad. I cant help it v.v i like feeling like the only person she loves in the world, omg that sounds even worse.... i just ok ok ok im selfish!!!

i know i cant be the only person in her life *pouts a little >.>* but i dont like sharing her love ever since that issue that happened with her and. its done with.

But i called my sister up like i said and talked about it with her, i wanted to understand what it ment to love someone differently. Beth didnt really explain it well but talking to her really helped me understand it better. I have two sisters, krystal and beth, so they kinda do the whole sister love thing. So talking to beth about that helped.

Ok listening to this kid cudi at 4 am is seriously messing with my head... and why does my alarm clock say 6 though...

Anyways thats the kind of stuff thats been happening with my and Ella, Besides us talking about doing a book and she offering the title "love at first byte"... She is perfectly fine with this whole long distance computer thing, but i always feel like a bad person... Like you have to meee in a coffee shop and go on dates to the movies for it to count...=/

BTW one of my favorit teachers who is having a horrible semester and who i constantly stand up for outside of class made fun of me slightly before class... There are not words yet invented to describe how mad that makes me....

almost all my sibs are married to people who are younger then them by alot more then me and Ella... im dead serious.... I feel so wrong constantly every second Even though Ella would probally hunt me down if i ever tried to say no cause of age.

My oldest brother is 7 years older then his wife and my other brother is like 9 yrs older then his wife. MY sister is like 3 yrs younger then her husband but that doesnt really matter. And my other sister tried to be married to a dude from the dominican republic, massive fail with 2 kids along for that ride. THere fantastic nephews though.

Lets see last brother tried dating a drug adict. And oldest bro is on marriage like number 3, first one was after he got a 15 yr old pregnant in high school. yet again still an awesome nephew out of that even if he is like 2 years younger then me.

I mean seriously i cant be the worst relationship to come out of my family. I swear it must be genetic though....

I must admit me and my other 2 brothers (not counting the 3rd...) must be like the most committed husbands ever. Well i will be. We all saw how are parents worked out or didnt... and we refuse to do the same.

I think im a depressive eater. Well depressive distractor as ive come to call it now. Anything to distract me from my life, waste money, get food, sleep. Just anything that give upable mid way thru it.

Physically i kinda of stop sometimes and break down a little from time to time. Other things are hard to do because of that...

btw i realized the fair use thing lets me show music and stuff on her for comment, and i really do want to comment on the new kid cudi album, some songs just like his first album i cant listen to, but others just speak to me. Its a really good album with instant classics. I think ive given up on kanye, he has lost himself, Kid Cudi, Mr.hudson, Jcole, and delazoo for me. Well here is one of my fav kid cudi songs from his new album.

thanks for reading this far if you did, your a miracle worker.

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