Anyways ive been waiting a few weeks now. There will be a reason. It will make sense. And yes it will make me worry about her. But till then im just waiting day after day after day after day trying my best to stay sane. Its getting kind of annoying after all this time.
I know i chose this life, i agreed to what it would be. But honestly im litterally infront of a laptop 24/7 365.. i plan my days around it. I wait i wait i wait. Im have to. This is my life force and all that. My only connection to her.
by the way thanks for not being so judgemental.
I just kind of sit here and stare at my laptop for weeks waiting for something to happen.
I may explode if i find out she's making me wait on purpose.... A friend did that to me bout 2 months ago... it wasnt pretty. When im mad i get angry and maybe hit things. when i want to kill something i become mean and hurtful and break watever made me mad in the most painful way. Which mostly leads to attacks on the soul. I hate that about me personally. I naturally know how to make a person feel as worse as they can... I do my best to never do that though. I never do it but it slips evey year or so.
This is pretty much why i started blogging, its something i can do on my laptop while i wait.
I miss basketball, i miss playing catch, i miss my family. I still do that stuff, but its always a risk if i do it late in the day. mornings are a foreign topic to me. I spend my nights waiting and hoping.
Seriously though i have the patience of a tree, not a monk, but a fricken tree. I can wait forever and ever and ever.
im in like a 5x5 room waiting. I cant just walk away without first checking the time, make sure i wont be gone too long or too far away, and make sure i leave warnings to why im gone. Then i leave and feel guilty as hell while im gone.
For the last few years my family has gotten mad at me
Fam: "justin can you come over for a minute?"
Me: "umm im not sure >.>"
Fam: "why not?"
Me: "i dont know"
Fam: "yes or no....."
me: "no >.>"
Call me anytime after 5 pm and i just cant leave to go help you. You have to be very convincing to get me to risk leaving for a bit. It feels like i leave a large part of me behind when i leave.
Its my only connection to her. I just wait and hope that something mite happen that will make her show up and talk to me.
Before you go making assumption about how maybe she just doesnt want to talk to me. She get busy, has troubles with getting on to talk to me, school, computer. And if you think she mite be lying to me, ill meet you in the parking lot around 4 pm.
also if your wondering why my words are so scattered in these blogs its because its how i think. thought after thought after thought right after another in short periods of time. Like every few seconds. Sorry.
Anyways im going to go back to waiting somemore. If you see me tweeting, im waiting, if you dont see me tweeting im probally just to far gone while im waiting so im just reading my timeline for a few hours...