Im going to try and avoid too much detail about what led to my er depression and uhh thing that starts with S attemps. ANYWAYS. It proved to me that evil does exsist in our world. It beat me down, many times. And honestly i think the only reason im still here is because everytime it came close to ending i would think about how bad Ella's life would be then that i just sucked it up and stayed alive.
Death is an escape. An escape that i desperatly wanted for myself. But i couldnt take it, i just had to last out the pain brought upon me. Brought upon by her sister... Im not going to discuss it, maybe one day, but not now, it is very private and.. just destructive. Its a dark place.
I dont know what gene was put in me to make me never give up no matter what, but without it i would of been dead a long time ago. I dont know if its not giving up or more of a refusal to lose. Things turned somewhat better lately. Events took place to at least dormant that dark place for the time being. I wont forget where it is. I wont sleep on it. I will be prepared next time.
Ella has been back. But lately its been all iffy. Her computer has been breaking down alot and she has had to get it repaired alot. We had a tiff over a thing. But i mean in the end im just going to do what makes her happy, i cant not make her happy. But its going to hurt eventually, because hopefully she'll want it again. I know she will but i dont want to sound rude about this. Its just me changing for her and having that change not be so good later on >.<
We talked last night for the first time in like 2 weeks. Two weeks doesnt sound that long but when your like me and have waited months upon months upon months upon months with no answer, just hope. Time just turns bad when i have to wait now. Its motionless, its like a nightmare. Waiting, feels like im floating thru space. Not the good kind either, the dark, cold, airless space. No control, just constant waiting for something to happen.
Anyways back to the point of this blog, we talked last night and just. Well those dark times were as far negative as i could go. Tonight felt like the exact opposite. It felt good, it felt happy, it felt warm. We talked about life, work, grades, friends birthdays. And this next part is kinda confusing (why does thinking about what happen make my body act all weird -.- love is so weird sometimes) i know we live far away, and i know the world has there asumptions about it. And first of all if we lived closer. Yes i would be a giant idiot but i would do anything and everything for her attention. I would run for miles just to get to her house, i would fall over on purpose to make her laugh. I would just be everything i could for her. But seeing as were not close, i do what i can. Love makes the impossible possible. Basically, i do my best to make it feel like were right next to each other. I mean seriously. When 2 people really put there minds on believing it and trying to feel that, it really does feel like there right here.
The point im trying to make is we kissed. Yes were not close to each other. But we still make each other feel those feelings of being kissed. We wrap are minds in this. We let it be believable. We let it become are reality. If you cant understand it, its ok, you dont have to. Just dont say its not real or possible.
We kissed and it felt like the polar opposite of all the bad things that have ever happened in my life. I honestly never thought i would be the same again, but right now i feel just fantastic, great, amazing, truelly happy for the first time in around a year.
I cant really explain what it did, we kissed once, then i just wanted again, and i asked again (yes i was asking >/////< ) and i was err slow >.> and she kissed me and i kinda couldnt think, i just felt. I felt weightless, i felt like i was in heaven, and i was just looking into her eyes. She was confused slightly because err i didnt make alot of sounds that sounded like words afterwards >///> just that of uhhuhs and mhms uhh anyways!!! Then my brain caught up some and said i wanted to kiss her and make her as happy as she made me, so i did and she started using less words and more sounds too lol.
Were hopeless i know lol thanks for reading.