Saturday, December 11, 2010

Christmas Wish

This post is derived from my depression pretty much. I need Ella so much...

Ive decided to put all my will and soul into forcefully wishing for her to be ok and talk to me. I am going to use every inch of Christmas to make this possible.

I will be wishing upon stars. Wishing at 11:11 4 times a day (i will setting the clock back again each time it hits 11:11) I will make Christmas wishes and pray for Yuletide kisses. (rhymed for your benefit)

Also today my sister krystal received her masters degree grom central michigan university. And the speaker was Brett Holey, a director/producer for NBC nightly news. He was fantastic. He made me want to chase my dreams. Writing is my dream so this is why im writing this.

Ella has't been around alot lately as you have most likely noticed. She got sick awhile back and got people at her school sick. So they sent her home (she was at some boarding school thing) and well her parents hate me. Well beyond hate me but i would rather not belittle myself to the point of extreme depression tonight if you dont mind too much. So Ella is at home being kept from talking to me.

Im wishing, praying, hoping that some kind of christmas miracle happens that lets me talk to her this holiday. Its what drives me to keep living.

When we first met, and then got closer. She got sick really bad. It was scary, she was in the hospital, it was really bad. Back then her oldest sister still talked to me. And i convinced her to print out some things and make a card for her from me. Its all i could think of to do.

(click picture to see full sized)

It was something i wrote for her. And her sister put into card form for me and put it next to her bed for me. Ella was kind of in a coma v.v

Afterwards i found out few guys (Alot!!!!!) showed up while she was knocked out in the hospital. Apperently they were all guys that had a small crush on her. Yes i was jealous and all that. But the card really made me feel like i did all i could to show her i really cared about her (a big part of me felt like i was err for lack of better term "staking my claim" on a relationship with Ella)

She got better eventually and got my card and felt umm really happy towards me.

To close the other guys part. Soon afterwards Ella hit her growth problems and grew really tall. Sadly all other guys ceased to like her then...... I say sadly because i rather have someone closer to her love her like i do. As much as i love Ella i rather not have her be sad.

Just this whole thing is depressing for both of us and it hurts alot. I would rather have her be happy with someone else if it ment less pain for her.

I love Ella alot, i know you hear me say that alot but i would to explain it more for you right now. I love her so much that i would disappear from her life if there was another person close to her, that her parents supported. Someone that made her as happy as i do. Someone that loves her as much as i do. Someone that makes her life better. Someone better then me. As much as it would kill me. If it helped Ella i would let her go.

She is the star of my life. Today during my sisters commencement they played this wonderful music, and i just zoned out for 20 minutes imagining Ella spinning slowly and looking at me then smiling. Just that. It took control of my mind for the longest time today.

Ella is a warm summers day. The soft rain that dances atop of your head. A sunset with your bestfriend. Ella is a smile on a dark day. She is an angel that makes my life heaven.

By the way. By angel i mean that i look for her wings and that one day i will find them and prove to the world that she is really an angel like i always say she is.

I worry about her alot because i know she acts like me and i act like her alot. Its scary because we can be apart for 2 months and will find out that we both acted and thought the same way during those 2 months. We think were going to one of those annoying couples that finishes each others sentences half the time.

I have a long list of love songs that ive purchased during the last 3 years of knowing Ella, all for the sake of a reminder of her. I admit sometimes i start singing along with them and think about Ella deeply as i do.

Just i really need to talk to Ella and make her happy. I need to love her. She needs to be loved. I want to make her life better by being here for her. I know i say i would let her go if i had the choice. But it would be hard letting go of someone that would probally handcuff herself to me and cling to me like her life depends upon me staying right next to her.

Trust me you read this and hear how much i talk about how i love her. When me and Ella talk alot i kind of accidently slip into this same mode and talk to her about how much i love her. I cant explain it, i just have this need to express my love for her to her and anyone else that will listen. She is just so beautiful, inside and out.

I want to just sit with her and talk about books for the rest of my life, this is honestly my lifes dream.

With each snowflake that falls, for each star i see, and for each christmas tree i walk by i shall make a wish. I wish to talk to Ella during this christmas season. Just talk and nothing else, that is all that i need. It would really help if you wished this for me to. Thank you.

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