The North Pole

Im going to try and avoid too much detail about what led to my er depression and uhh thing that starts with S attemps. ANYWAYS. It proved to me that evil does exsist in our world. It beat me down, many times. And honestly i think the only reason im still here is because everytime it came close to ending i would think about how bad Ella's life would be then that i just sucked it up and stayed alive.

Death is an escape. An escape that i desperatly wanted for myself. But i couldnt take it, i just had to last out the pain brought upon me. Brought upon by her sister... Im not going to discuss it, maybe one day, but not now, it is very private and.. just destructive. Its a dark place.

I dont know what gene was put in me to make me never give up no matter what, but without it i would of been dead a long time ago. I dont know if its not giving up or more of a refusal to lose. Things turned somewhat better lately. Events took place to at least dormant that dark place for the time being. I wont forget where it is. I wont sleep on it. I will be prepared next time.

Ella has been back. But lately its been all iffy. Her computer has been breaking down alot and she has had to get it repaired alot. We had a tiff over a thing. But i mean in the end im just going to do what makes her happy, i cant not make her happy. But its going to hurt eventually, because hopefully she'll want it again. I know she will but i dont want to sound rude about this. Its just me changing for her and having that change not be so good later on >.<

We talked last night for the first time in like 2 weeks. Two weeks doesnt sound that long but when your like me and have waited months upon months upon months upon months with no answer, just hope. Time just turns bad when i have to wait now. Its motionless, its like a nightmare. Waiting, feels like im floating thru space. Not the good kind either, the dark, cold, airless space. No control, just constant waiting for something to happen.

Anyways back to the point of this blog, we talked last night and just. Well those dark times were as far negative as i could go. Tonight felt like the exact opposite. It felt good, it felt happy, it felt warm. We talked about life, work, grades, friends birthdays. And this next part is kinda confusing (why does thinking about what happen make my body act all weird -.- love is so weird sometimes) i know we live far away, and i know the world has there asumptions about it. And first of all if we lived closer. Yes i would be a giant idiot but i would do anything and everything for her attention. I would run for miles just to get to her house, i would fall over on purpose to make her laugh. I would just be everything i could for her. But seeing as were not close, i do what i can. Love makes the impossible possible. Basically, i do my best to make it feel like were right next to each other. I mean seriously. When 2 people really put there minds on believing it and trying to feel that, it really does feel like there right here.

The point im trying to make is we kissed. Yes were not close to each other. But we still make each other feel those feelings of being kissed. We wrap are minds in this. We let it be believable. We let it become are reality. If you cant understand it, its ok, you dont have to. Just dont say its not real or possible.

We kissed and it felt like the polar opposite of all the bad things that have ever happened in my life. I honestly never thought i would be the same again, but right now i feel just fantastic, great, amazing, truelly happy for the first time in around a year.

I cant really explain what it did, we kissed once, then i just wanted again, and i asked again (yes i was asking >/////< ) and i was err slow >.> and she kissed me and i kinda couldnt think, i just felt. I felt weightless, i felt like i was in heaven, and i was just looking into her eyes. She was confused slightly because err i didnt make alot of sounds that sounded like words afterwards >///> just that of uhhuhs and mhms uhh anyways!!! Then my brain caught up some and said i wanted to kiss her and make her as happy as she made me, so i did and she started using less words and more sounds too lol.

Were hopeless i know lol thanks for reading.

Do You Understand?

**Blog is extra long feel free to skip around to parts you want to read**

Today im just going out to flush out all the bad thoughts ive been having lately. You know those ones you get when you spend too much time with your family. Spent the whole weekend with them so i got some stuff i gotta say.

Everyone in my family is different, we all live differently, and we all want everyone else in the family to live our way. Basically we butt heads alot of touchy issues. Like my family wanting me to buy a car that would cost all my family while i would still have to get to school. Most my family trys to live that basic american dream of a life, middle class, sububran home *obviously i cant spell very well* wife, kids, maybe a pet, you get the idea. They all learned it from dad. I hate it. I hate it so much because i remember what happened with my dad in the end. How he overextended himself trying to make it all work. How my mother did it too. They like to blame her but when your married, no matter how bad the marriage is, your still in it together.

To keep this part short. I just want to live life the way i think is right.

*random topic switch*

Ella's computer is broken again so im just like staring at her picture like constantly. I miss her alot.

Right now... uhh shouldnt of tweeted mid blog writting. Tweet: "When people judge my writting they usually say how bad its put 2gether -.- i write that way bcuzthats how i think..i want 2 express that" then the next one "broken up thoughts that happen fast paced. Its hard to read but thats how i think and i want that to show in my writting." So yeah i knew wat i was going to say then my head went in 5 different directions and i forgot.

i think i remember now. In the end i think these im going to turn this whole experience into a book. Like what i write in here. The last 3 years of my life basically. I think i need to tell the story one way or another. And honestly ive always known that ill need her to help me write it.

Im the kind of person that if you try to make me do something i dont want to that ill just stop whatever im doing, even worst ill go negative. My sister wants me to walk for my associates, if she pushs me anymore im dropping half way thru this semester, its my last semester too and im done.

my grades seem to be ok but im just stressed out constantly. Teachers arent making it easier too. Im basically winging this semester and hoping it works out.

*this blog will be really long*

I worked on my basketball game in my sisters driveway saturday afternoon, and went really hard saturday night for like half a game and we stopped. but it was like full speed stop and goes to stop then jumps as right arm is being pulled away, then pull arm back and shoot right b4 i land lol. spent whole sunday walking and doing useless crap with family. Didnt feel too bad sunday actually, woke up today, put sock on and pulled my hammy a little.... im dead serious, ive been sore as hell all day. From my arms to my legs.

*this isnt gritty truthful stuff right now* **video game alert*

Ok so i play NBA 2k11 alot right now. I start my Pistons Association which is basically liek franchise mode in madden but its basketball. Did a fantasy draft and my team is.

PG Rajon Rando
SG Goran Dragic
SF Tayshaun Prince
PF Kevin Love
C Ben Wallce
Bench
Austin Daye
Jordan Crawford
Charlie Villinueva
Ben Gordon
Darko Milicic
Josh McRoberts
Stephan Barry
Dante Cunningham

Its got as much piston blood as i could get into it. Im not a big stuckey and rip fan in the video game, its boring playing with them, sorry.

**back to my life**

You ever love someone so much that you will your heart to them. Your heart, your love, and your life. Just mentally make it leave your body and go to theres? Im attached to her in the best of ways. As she is to me. Not in the bad way, like we love each other so much that we just want to be near each other. I just love how her mind works and stuff. She reads alot which ive mention b4. She always wants to make everyone happy, she is nice to everyone, which as you probally already guessed can be bad for her sometimes. But i know this is kinda bad, but when she relaxes and just hangs out, she will laugh when things happen to people, its like if you knew it would be unbelievable, like if you stub your toe shill be like are you ok??? But when she is just perfectly relaxed shill start laughing at you lol. I know that sounds bad i just find it really cute. She just seems to act all little kid sneaky like she is enjoying a stolen cookie right infront of her mom without her mom noticing lol. Just so innoccent but yet all lil kid devious lol. It shocks me alot when that happens lol cuz shill start laughing at me lol.

I feel almost happy right now, nba 2k11 is playing that song that features kid cudi and its really good and i started thinking about Ella and kinda err ranted about her... uhh oops sorry. anyways I dont get happy very often, almost never. But i feel happy right now, i havent felt happy in a really long time. Its nice.


Thanks for reading this far down if you did. Todays blog was all over the place, i really doubt there is someone who will unnderstand everything in here.

P.S this is Akon~Angel. I have to thank him for making this song, Because Ella is an angel and i now i have a song that reminds me of that.

Those TImes

For the people who got here from my twitter, you know, your the ones that are like "he's a cool guy, i wouldnt mind checking this out" you can stop reading this now. It would save you alot of time. Best way i can explain it is, for every day there is a night. Well this stuff is my night, its not usually pretty.

Ive Been with her for almost 3 years now i think. Im starting to come to the realization that im doing what of the hardest things in the world. Alot of pain has been coming my way for awhile now. From people trying to push me toward suicide so im out of there way. To just the plain pain that comes from being in the situation im in.

The world keeps knocking me down, it breaks me down, constantly over and over and over and over again. I dont know why i keep getting back up. At this point it feels like its all i know how to do and i have to do something.

One thing i hate the most. Is when im thinking about giving up and life just throws something in my face to make me stop. Why does life keep letting it get that far? Why do i always need saving?

I want to ask her if she wants to stop what were doing. I know i love her and she loves me. Weve been told were crazy for how much we love each other. But i just cant help thinking how her life would be without me. It may be a lie, but her life would be better still. I hate people who live in the dark, but if it makes her life easier ill have her live like that...

Ive been thrown so far away from that mountain that is life. I have to walk for days just to get to the bottom. Ive always fought against failing because of me. But now im thinking about her. I dont know if she can take this anymore. Maybe its for the best if just never truely live life.

I dont want to fight for this anymore. I want to fight for her. Even if it means i have to lose the fight.

Going Thru Alot *T Pain Voice*

been a rough day. rougher month. going to get better soon. but its going to take alot of hard work to get there. dam it got quiet here and my good mood instantly went away. i usually spend alot of time messing around with my brother when i snap like i did today. yelled at his wii alot for sucking and not being as good as the ps3 move lol.

on a random note where does T Pain get all his random a** hats. does he own his own personal surplus big Fd up looking hat store or something?

so yea my good is slowly going down the drain tonight.

i gotta go up north again tuesday and initial paper work.... 4 hour drive to initial paper work, if they want me up there again b4 july 1st ima have to tell them no -.- will reschedule for a better time for me.... i swear to god they dont understand the amount of travel that goes into this for me. they must think i live down the street or something. there nice people, great business. just saying. the travel time is killing me. cant wait till i move up there for the internship.

yay fight with friend and junk. great times great times. time to bang head on wall and goto sleep lol.

American Streetballers.

so ima blog while i watch this weird movie. its either good or bad. its honest though. i like that.


well long time no see. talking to Ella sporadically. now that i got this paid internship thing ima you know. Well she is alive. were still you know. and well life is finially looking up for me.

Friend had her baby about two weeks ago or so. early. there both fine. cant wait for pictures.

world cup was on today. i hate people diss on america when it comes to soccer. but we watch baseball and golf for godsake. baseball is mostly standing around and watching and golf is watching people walking.

this movie is weird though. idk sometimes its too weird i have to pause it >.<

and he just quoted frank sinatra or however you spell his name. sorry, great person, i should spell his name right. im stupid >.<

sorry i havent been blogging much, been avoiding sleep lately. but im coming back. when i do have the energy im busy, when i dont, i just dont want to do anything. and ill be quiet everywhere once my internship starts. no internet for like a month. so yea. going to have to talk to Ella about that one =/

anyways ill end this short. bye people.

Life Update

Well good news. I talked to Ella for 30 minutes. Bad news, her father moved her to her aunts house to get her away from her sister and me. 2 birds one stone it seems like.

And if you've read these posts in detail you know exactly what ive been talking about the whole time and how im willing to publicly talk about this though this is extremely frowned upon.

You cannot help who your supose to love. You can either devote your life to them knowing its the purest form of love you'll ever find your you can leave them and never love anyone the same again. I know the road i chose. I chose it for her. No one will like me, no will like this. I never said it was right. All i can do is thank those few people out there who understand.

Ive had other opprotunities so many times now since meeting Ella. But i cant leave her. I dont know why sometimes. Its so easy to be evil, horrible, wrong, to do things i shouldnt. But i cant. Ella has my heart, and if i left her my life would end without her.

Some very close friends of mine just had a family death. There mother died. I wont say much for privacy reasons. But she died like my father did =/ One of the lil girls in the family is the same age i was when it happned to me... Pray for them please, there good people.

Depression is here to stay i believe, sorry. Though im having spurts of normalness. Ella has really helped with that. But when she isnt around she cant keep the panic attacks away...

Ran away the other day after freaking out. Ended up at my sisters, Beth, No one was there i thought so i stood outside the back door. Javy came out and was like whats up? I had him play basketball with me. That saved my butt big time.... Every shot made life just melt away a little at a time till i was left with my soul alone. It was cold and rainy. I can shoot anything from a frozen flat basketball while standing on ice to a football into a hoop lol. Javy young still, doesnt have that kind of experience. I jumped out to a 17-2 lead, we were playing 21. All jump shots by me pretty much, nice ones too. then we finished 21-10 -.- dudes always gotta fight back... bout two shots when off the back of the rim... and he got let back in the game... i should of ended it. I did end on a nice lil dip pump and big left side step mini fade for the win. I always fall back into lil kid two handed chucks to win the game, i can hit those from litterally anywhere no matter what kinda D you put on me. Half court. Three point. hit me while i shoot, tackle, dont matter, its going it when i take that kinda shot at the end of the game. Its upsetting that i dont use my nice form =/ but hey i rather win then look nice.

Rajon Rondo raaawwwwrrrr

As you can tell that was a spurt of normal >.< so yea. Life is messy right now... And i forgot Ella thinks im cute >////> so i have to watch how i act around her or uhh she starts getting worked up over me >///////////////< its cute when she like that though =/ i better watch myself or ill rant for pages about her cutenss lol. ive been doing that to friends lately >/////////>

So as for me, im looking for internships, if you need me in south carolina, i will happily move. other then that, unless its instate, michigan, i probaly couldnt move. but im open to anything. So contact me if your interested in a business educated adult. By the way, if you dont hire me, your making a big mistake. Everyone should hire me when it comes to business.

Ok music time. i bought that B.o.B album the adventures of bobby ray, its great, love the sound. Not the story sound of Kanye, lupe, or common. But his sound is very fresh, very clean, its something you should own. I own it now. i love it.

watch out for steven nash, the lakers mite let the suns make it a 7 game series, steve nash mite take that chance and win with it. Look out for a Suns vs Magic finals. Id pick the suns. barely, it would be a great series for sure. Though Lakers Celtics would be cool. Lakers shut down too much. and steve nash jumping on that this year.

well my blog is getting overly long again. oh i got some 100 dollar gift car for advertising on google. But i was like that would really help my blog, but then again maybe too much publicity wouldnt be good >.< i think this stuff is true enough to be known underground. I dont want to be known, i only want my words to be heard. And after that, you can all do what you wish with them, i trust you.

Depression mode wooo.

Yea its about that time. Its been near 3 months with no Ella =/ so yea the bomb has dropped and there hiding the kniges lol jk. Oddly the more i get depressed the more normal i act, so no one ever notices. Im done with this semester. Last class was last night. We had a test, we got done in an hour lol. I got a 25 dollar itunes card, only spend ten cuz Mr Hudsons straight chaser isnt on itunes!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want that so bad. its such a great album.... So my depression is pissed off at itunes.

Oh my nephew averie had his first communion sunday. sisters greatest excuse to drink a years worth of wine. Im not joking, she goes all out on her kids holy communions, she passed out on her couch while asking me to go with her to get more wine -.-

We played 21 i was winning with 18, that i scored with 7 people on the court. then they all left -.- so it was me and javy so he won.... some serious bull. Im tired of losing.... Especially on that crap. Im still trying to regain the summer form. Im so much closer. once i pull it together its going to be so nice.

Ive been playing alot of uncharted 2 lately. If you follow my tweets, u know that already. If you play the game, i love camping, and now you probally hate me lol.

I need to get an internship to graduate next semester -.- some serious bull since they just changed that for me...

I dont feel like adding music to this. That mite make you few peopl who read this be happy. Oh by the way, when i get depressed real bad i try to kick everyone out my life so when i end it, it doesnt hurt anyone lol.

I really want the cavs to lose in the playoffs, lebron isny a good enough of a player to deserve a ring. So go magic and bosto and Lakers and Spurs lol.

by the way, i do all this odd spacing so its easier to read and not all crunched together.

Ive been quiet on twitter lately for obvious previously stated reasons lol.

and if you want music. Right now im listening to Cooler then me~Mike Posner Ft.Big Sean. and Up Up and away by Kid Cudi is really good too.

Also Perfect jumpers are the most beautiful body motion in the world, its like sex for the soul. If you read my tweets you already know how much i love the pefect jumper. It feels so great. You jump perfectly, you release perfectly, it arcs perfectly, and it falls thru the net and snaps beautifully. I love it.

and B.O.Bs airplanes is really good. I wish i could afford his album. He has that commercial style of rapping *prefers story telling rapping like kanye and lupe and common* but its a breath of fresh air.

all i have to say....

"i could really use a wish right now"

*stares off and walks out the backdoor not being able to stand the momment he lives in*