For the people who got here from my twitter, you know, your the ones that are like "he's a cool guy, i wouldnt mind checking this out" you can stop reading this now. It would save you alot of time. Best way i can explain it is, for every day there is a night. Well this stuff is my night, its not usually pretty.
Ive Been with her for almost 3 years now i think. Im starting to come to the realization that im doing what of the hardest things in the world. Alot of pain has been coming my way for awhile now. From people trying to push me toward suicide so im out of there way. To just the plain pain that comes from being in the situation im in.
The world keeps knocking me down, it breaks me down, constantly over and over and over and over again. I dont know why i keep getting back up. At this point it feels like its all i know how to do and i have to do something.
One thing i hate the most. Is when im thinking about giving up and life just throws something in my face to make me stop. Why does life keep letting it get that far? Why do i always need saving?
I want to ask her if she wants to stop what were doing. I know i love her and she loves me. Weve been told were crazy for how much we love each other. But i just cant help thinking how her life would be without me. It may be a lie, but her life would be better still. I hate people who live in the dark, but if it makes her life easier ill have her live like that...
Ive been thrown so far away from that mountain that is life. I have to walk for days just to get to the bottom. Ive always fought against failing because of me. But now im thinking about her. I dont know if she can take this anymore. Maybe its for the best if just never truely live life.
I dont want to fight for this anymore. I want to fight for her. Even if it means i have to lose the fight.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Going Thru Alot *T Pain Voice*
been a rough day. rougher month. going to get better soon. but its going to take alot of hard work to get there. dam it got quiet here and my good mood instantly went away. i usually spend alot of time messing around with my brother when i snap like i did today. yelled at his wii alot for sucking and not being as good as the ps3 move lol.
on a random note where does T Pain get all his random a** hats. does he own his own personal surplus big Fd up looking hat store or something?
so yea my good is slowly going down the drain tonight.
i gotta go up north again tuesday and initial paper work.... 4 hour drive to initial paper work, if they want me up there again b4 july 1st ima have to tell them no -.- will reschedule for a better time for me.... i swear to god they dont understand the amount of travel that goes into this for me. they must think i live down the street or something. there nice people, great business. just saying. the travel time is killing me. cant wait till i move up there for the internship.
yay fight with friend and junk. great times great times. time to bang head on wall and goto sleep lol.
on a random note where does T Pain get all his random a** hats. does he own his own personal surplus big Fd up looking hat store or something?
so yea my good is slowly going down the drain tonight.
i gotta go up north again tuesday and initial paper work.... 4 hour drive to initial paper work, if they want me up there again b4 july 1st ima have to tell them no -.- will reschedule for a better time for me.... i swear to god they dont understand the amount of travel that goes into this for me. they must think i live down the street or something. there nice people, great business. just saying. the travel time is killing me. cant wait till i move up there for the internship.
yay fight with friend and junk. great times great times. time to bang head on wall and goto sleep lol.
Friday, June 11, 2010
American Streetballers.
so ima blog while i watch this weird movie. its either good or bad. its honest though. i like that.
well long time no see. talking to Ella sporadically. now that i got this paid internship thing ima you know. Well she is alive. were still you know. and well life is finially looking up for me.
Friend had her baby about two weeks ago or so. early. there both fine. cant wait for pictures.
world cup was on today. i hate people diss on america when it comes to soccer. but we watch baseball and golf for godsake. baseball is mostly standing around and watching and golf is watching people walking.
this movie is weird though. idk sometimes its too weird i have to pause it >.<
and he just quoted frank sinatra or however you spell his name. sorry, great person, i should spell his name right. im stupid >.<
sorry i havent been blogging much, been avoiding sleep lately. but im coming back. when i do have the energy im busy, when i dont, i just dont want to do anything. and ill be quiet everywhere once my internship starts. no internet for like a month. so yea. going to have to talk to Ella about that one =/
anyways ill end this short. bye people.
well long time no see. talking to Ella sporadically. now that i got this paid internship thing ima you know. Well she is alive. were still you know. and well life is finially looking up for me.
Friend had her baby about two weeks ago or so. early. there both fine. cant wait for pictures.
world cup was on today. i hate people diss on america when it comes to soccer. but we watch baseball and golf for godsake. baseball is mostly standing around and watching and golf is watching people walking.
this movie is weird though. idk sometimes its too weird i have to pause it >.<
and he just quoted frank sinatra or however you spell his name. sorry, great person, i should spell his name right. im stupid >.<
sorry i havent been blogging much, been avoiding sleep lately. but im coming back. when i do have the energy im busy, when i dont, i just dont want to do anything. and ill be quiet everywhere once my internship starts. no internet for like a month. so yea. going to have to talk to Ella about that one =/
anyways ill end this short. bye people.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Life Update
Well good news. I talked to Ella for 30 minutes. Bad news, her father moved her to her aunts house to get her away from her sister and me. 2 birds one stone it seems like.
And if you've read these posts in detail you know exactly what ive been talking about the whole time and how im willing to publicly talk about this though this is extremely frowned upon.
You cannot help who your supose to love. You can either devote your life to them knowing its the purest form of love you'll ever find your you can leave them and never love anyone the same again. I know the road i chose. I chose it for her. No one will like me, no will like this. I never said it was right. All i can do is thank those few people out there who understand.
Ive had other opprotunities so many times now since meeting Ella. But i cant leave her. I dont know why sometimes. Its so easy to be evil, horrible, wrong, to do things i shouldnt. But i cant. Ella has my heart, and if i left her my life would end without her.
Some very close friends of mine just had a family death. There mother died. I wont say much for privacy reasons. But she died like my father did =/ One of the lil girls in the family is the same age i was when it happned to me... Pray for them please, there good people.
Depression is here to stay i believe, sorry. Though im having spurts of normalness. Ella has really helped with that. But when she isnt around she cant keep the panic attacks away...
Ran away the other day after freaking out. Ended up at my sisters, Beth, No one was there i thought so i stood outside the back door. Javy came out and was like whats up? I had him play basketball with me. That saved my butt big time.... Every shot made life just melt away a little at a time till i was left with my soul alone. It was cold and rainy. I can shoot anything from a frozen flat basketball while standing on ice to a football into a hoop lol. Javy young still, doesnt have that kind of experience. I jumped out to a 17-2 lead, we were playing 21. All jump shots by me pretty much, nice ones too. then we finished 21-10 -.- dudes always gotta fight back... bout two shots when off the back of the rim... and he got let back in the game... i should of ended it. I did end on a nice lil dip pump and big left side step mini fade for the win. I always fall back into lil kid two handed chucks to win the game, i can hit those from litterally anywhere no matter what kinda D you put on me. Half court. Three point. hit me while i shoot, tackle, dont matter, its going it when i take that kinda shot at the end of the game. Its upsetting that i dont use my nice form =/ but hey i rather win then look nice.
Rajon Rondo raaawwwwrrrr
As you can tell that was a spurt of normal >.< so yea. Life is messy right now... And i forgot Ella thinks im cute >////> so i have to watch how i act around her or uhh she starts getting worked up over me >///////////////< its cute when she like that though =/ i better watch myself or ill rant for pages about her cutenss lol. ive been doing that to friends lately >/////////>
So as for me, im looking for internships, if you need me in south carolina, i will happily move. other then that, unless its instate, michigan, i probaly couldnt move. but im open to anything. So contact me if your interested in a business educated adult. By the way, if you dont hire me, your making a big mistake. Everyone should hire me when it comes to business.
Ok music time. i bought that B.o.B album the adventures of bobby ray, its great, love the sound. Not the story sound of Kanye, lupe, or common. But his sound is very fresh, very clean, its something you should own. I own it now. i love it.
watch out for steven nash, the lakers mite let the suns make it a 7 game series, steve nash mite take that chance and win with it. Look out for a Suns vs Magic finals. Id pick the suns. barely, it would be a great series for sure. Though Lakers Celtics would be cool. Lakers shut down too much. and steve nash jumping on that this year.
well my blog is getting overly long again. oh i got some 100 dollar gift car for advertising on google. But i was like that would really help my blog, but then again maybe too much publicity wouldnt be good >.< i think this stuff is true enough to be known underground. I dont want to be known, i only want my words to be heard. And after that, you can all do what you wish with them, i trust you.
And if you've read these posts in detail you know exactly what ive been talking about the whole time and how im willing to publicly talk about this though this is extremely frowned upon.
You cannot help who your supose to love. You can either devote your life to them knowing its the purest form of love you'll ever find your you can leave them and never love anyone the same again. I know the road i chose. I chose it for her. No one will like me, no will like this. I never said it was right. All i can do is thank those few people out there who understand.
Ive had other opprotunities so many times now since meeting Ella. But i cant leave her. I dont know why sometimes. Its so easy to be evil, horrible, wrong, to do things i shouldnt. But i cant. Ella has my heart, and if i left her my life would end without her.
Some very close friends of mine just had a family death. There mother died. I wont say much for privacy reasons. But she died like my father did =/ One of the lil girls in the family is the same age i was when it happned to me... Pray for them please, there good people.
Depression is here to stay i believe, sorry. Though im having spurts of normalness. Ella has really helped with that. But when she isnt around she cant keep the panic attacks away...
Ran away the other day after freaking out. Ended up at my sisters, Beth, No one was there i thought so i stood outside the back door. Javy came out and was like whats up? I had him play basketball with me. That saved my butt big time.... Every shot made life just melt away a little at a time till i was left with my soul alone. It was cold and rainy. I can shoot anything from a frozen flat basketball while standing on ice to a football into a hoop lol. Javy young still, doesnt have that kind of experience. I jumped out to a 17-2 lead, we were playing 21. All jump shots by me pretty much, nice ones too. then we finished 21-10 -.- dudes always gotta fight back... bout two shots when off the back of the rim... and he got let back in the game... i should of ended it. I did end on a nice lil dip pump and big left side step mini fade for the win. I always fall back into lil kid two handed chucks to win the game, i can hit those from litterally anywhere no matter what kinda D you put on me. Half court. Three point. hit me while i shoot, tackle, dont matter, its going it when i take that kinda shot at the end of the game. Its upsetting that i dont use my nice form =/ but hey i rather win then look nice.
Rajon Rondo raaawwwwrrrr
As you can tell that was a spurt of normal >.< so yea. Life is messy right now... And i forgot Ella thinks im cute >////> so i have to watch how i act around her or uhh she starts getting worked up over me >///////////////< its cute when she like that though =/ i better watch myself or ill rant for pages about her cutenss lol. ive been doing that to friends lately >/////////>
So as for me, im looking for internships, if you need me in south carolina, i will happily move. other then that, unless its instate, michigan, i probaly couldnt move. but im open to anything. So contact me if your interested in a business educated adult. By the way, if you dont hire me, your making a big mistake. Everyone should hire me when it comes to business.
Ok music time. i bought that B.o.B album the adventures of bobby ray, its great, love the sound. Not the story sound of Kanye, lupe, or common. But his sound is very fresh, very clean, its something you should own. I own it now. i love it.
watch out for steven nash, the lakers mite let the suns make it a 7 game series, steve nash mite take that chance and win with it. Look out for a Suns vs Magic finals. Id pick the suns. barely, it would be a great series for sure. Though Lakers Celtics would be cool. Lakers shut down too much. and steve nash jumping on that this year.
well my blog is getting overly long again. oh i got some 100 dollar gift car for advertising on google. But i was like that would really help my blog, but then again maybe too much publicity wouldnt be good >.< i think this stuff is true enough to be known underground. I dont want to be known, i only want my words to be heard. And after that, you can all do what you wish with them, i trust you.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Depression mode wooo.
Yea its about that time. Its been near 3 months with no Ella =/ so yea the bomb has dropped and there hiding the kniges lol jk. Oddly the more i get depressed the more normal i act, so no one ever notices. Im done with this semester. Last class was last night. We had a test, we got done in an hour lol. I got a 25 dollar itunes card, only spend ten cuz Mr Hudsons straight chaser isnt on itunes!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want that so bad. its such a great album.... So my depression is pissed off at itunes.
Oh my nephew averie had his first communion sunday. sisters greatest excuse to drink a years worth of wine. Im not joking, she goes all out on her kids holy communions, she passed out on her couch while asking me to go with her to get more wine -.-
We played 21 i was winning with 18, that i scored with 7 people on the court. then they all left -.- so it was me and javy so he won.... some serious bull. Im tired of losing.... Especially on that crap. Im still trying to regain the summer form. Im so much closer. once i pull it together its going to be so nice.
Ive been playing alot of uncharted 2 lately. If you follow my tweets, u know that already. If you play the game, i love camping, and now you probally hate me lol.
I need to get an internship to graduate next semester -.- some serious bull since they just changed that for me...
I dont feel like adding music to this. That mite make you few peopl who read this be happy. Oh by the way, when i get depressed real bad i try to kick everyone out my life so when i end it, it doesnt hurt anyone lol.
I really want the cavs to lose in the playoffs, lebron isny a good enough of a player to deserve a ring. So go magic and bosto and Lakers and Spurs lol.
by the way, i do all this odd spacing so its easier to read and not all crunched together.
Ive been quiet on twitter lately for obvious previously stated reasons lol.
and if you want music. Right now im listening to Cooler then me~Mike Posner Ft.Big Sean. and Up Up and away by Kid Cudi is really good too.
Also Perfect jumpers are the most beautiful body motion in the world, its like sex for the soul. If you read my tweets you already know how much i love the pefect jumper. It feels so great. You jump perfectly, you release perfectly, it arcs perfectly, and it falls thru the net and snaps beautifully. I love it.
and B.O.Bs airplanes is really good. I wish i could afford his album. He has that commercial style of rapping *prefers story telling rapping like kanye and lupe and common* but its a breath of fresh air.
all i have to say....
"i could really use a wish right now"
*stares off and walks out the backdoor not being able to stand the momment he lives in*
Oh my nephew averie had his first communion sunday. sisters greatest excuse to drink a years worth of wine. Im not joking, she goes all out on her kids holy communions, she passed out on her couch while asking me to go with her to get more wine -.-
We played 21 i was winning with 18, that i scored with 7 people on the court. then they all left -.- so it was me and javy so he won.... some serious bull. Im tired of losing.... Especially on that crap. Im still trying to regain the summer form. Im so much closer. once i pull it together its going to be so nice.
Ive been playing alot of uncharted 2 lately. If you follow my tweets, u know that already. If you play the game, i love camping, and now you probally hate me lol.
I need to get an internship to graduate next semester -.- some serious bull since they just changed that for me...
I dont feel like adding music to this. That mite make you few peopl who read this be happy. Oh by the way, when i get depressed real bad i try to kick everyone out my life so when i end it, it doesnt hurt anyone lol.
I really want the cavs to lose in the playoffs, lebron isny a good enough of a player to deserve a ring. So go magic and bosto and Lakers and Spurs lol.
by the way, i do all this odd spacing so its easier to read and not all crunched together.
Ive been quiet on twitter lately for obvious previously stated reasons lol.
and if you want music. Right now im listening to Cooler then me~Mike Posner Ft.Big Sean. and Up Up and away by Kid Cudi is really good too.
Also Perfect jumpers are the most beautiful body motion in the world, its like sex for the soul. If you read my tweets you already know how much i love the pefect jumper. It feels so great. You jump perfectly, you release perfectly, it arcs perfectly, and it falls thru the net and snaps beautifully. I love it.
and B.O.Bs airplanes is really good. I wish i could afford his album. He has that commercial style of rapping *prefers story telling rapping like kanye and lupe and common* but its a breath of fresh air.
all i have to say....
"i could really use a wish right now"
*stares off and walks out the backdoor not being able to stand the momment he lives in*
Friday, April 23, 2010
i think its about time.
I got some feedback from the last blog >//////< so i think i need to do another one tonight. Its been hard to find time for this since my semester is coming to an end. Plus well this seems like the best chance ive ever had to meet Ella. If hunch is right, it seems im getting a supprised visit from Ella and her parents >.< future inlaw sneak attack. She just got her lisense so its either trip up here or vacation trip. But this is still the best odds ever honestly. So ive snapped out of my depression from now till the chance disapears one way or another.
So yea right now its school, or waiting for possibility of Ella or trying to distract self from all that so i dont have a panic attack >.< Oh since last blog, when i was in e-business the other week, Ella came online, but i missed it v.v but she sent me an offline message and replied to one of my emails, she said she loves me always and dont fall apart on her. So basically shill make it thru for me as long as i make it thru for her. Sorry about typing, rushed so not enough time to be politically corect. so yea Ella loves me! woo!!! and i love her more then anything, more then anything ever, more then the present, more then the past, more then future, and more then it all rolled into one times a sideways 8. so right now im my overly happy self till something happens >.<
Oh i have zombie car now. My car started dying monday, but it keeps coming back to life, so thats why its now zombie car lol. Im suprisenly happy for a guy who is broke, has a zombie car, and mite be meeting the future inlaws any day now. Oh and im hunching off what Ella told a cousin who told another cousin who told me. So im pretty much mind reading this all atm. But its still the best chance ever.
THis one is pretty much a Life Update so ima end on a good song for you all. Thank you for reading, please enjoy the music.
OMG~ Usher and Will.I.Am
So yea right now its school, or waiting for possibility of Ella or trying to distract self from all that so i dont have a panic attack >.< Oh since last blog, when i was in e-business the other week, Ella came online, but i missed it v.v but she sent me an offline message and replied to one of my emails, she said she loves me always and dont fall apart on her. So basically shill make it thru for me as long as i make it thru for her. Sorry about typing, rushed so not enough time to be politically corect. so yea Ella loves me! woo!!! and i love her more then anything, more then anything ever, more then the present, more then the past, more then future, and more then it all rolled into one times a sideways 8. so right now im my overly happy self till something happens >.<
Oh i have zombie car now. My car started dying monday, but it keeps coming back to life, so thats why its now zombie car lol. Im suprisenly happy for a guy who is broke, has a zombie car, and mite be meeting the future inlaws any day now. Oh and im hunching off what Ella told a cousin who told another cousin who told me. So im pretty much mind reading this all atm. But its still the best chance ever.
THis one is pretty much a Life Update so ima end on a good song for you all. Thank you for reading, please enjoy the music.
OMG~ Usher and Will.I.Am
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Letter in a Bottle
I know this is crazy, but i must admit at this point i am far past crazy. This blog will be a letter to Ella. I hope for the chance of a dream. You never know who reads what and tells who about it. You never know. So here i go, pouring out my soul to the girl i love for everyone to see.
Dear Ella
I still can't believe how we met. The accident of me meeting your cousins then the luck of meeting you. I kept wondering why i couldn't get enough of you and i wonder how i feel i always need you. For what attracts me to you isn't your looks though your more beautiful then each flower i want to give you. Your beautiful mind. The uniqueness that is your mind. The words you say, the thoughts you think. The pure beauty that is your mind. This is what attracts me to you.
Its been over a year now and are life together seems to get crazier with each passing month. Sometimes i wish we could just run off together, live together for as long as possible. Maybe somewhere warm near a beach. I want to spend the rest of my life with you as you do with me. I wish, i hope, i dream, i demand that fate let us be together. All i want from Life Ella is to love you, every minute of the day in every way possible. not just now, not just tomarrow, but the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that in an endless cycle to never end.
Its been about exactly a month this time. I know this isnt as long as the 3 months weve spent apart. But i have a feeling that this time around may last longer and be far worse. All i want from life is for you to be happy, to live a good life, to do good in school, to eat, to be safe. Even if you do this all without me its ok, just as long as you are happy then im happy.
I miss listening to you talk about what books your reading
I miss the soft touch of your lips on mine
I miss how you care so much about everything
I miss the way you speak so intelligently
I miss how you love me even though im not perfect, im so far from perfect.
I love you blue eyes, i love your glasses, i love your kisses, i love your words. I would sell my soul to spend a minute with you, because that one minute could get me thru an enternity of hell without trouble. You are an angel, pure perfection sent down to earth. I am more then lucky to have you in my life.
One day we will get married, will say i do, will kiss. One day will have kids, will kiss, theyll go eww. One day will grow old together, each day ill cherish just as much as the last one. All i want from life is to love you every possible second that exists in my life. I love you Ella, more then words can explain.
I love Ellany Maria Barwell, and i want the world to know. Ella i hope this makes its way to you somehow, one way or another.
*rolls up the letter carefully* *puts the letter in a bottle *tightly closes the bottle* *stares out at the sun over the ocean infront of him *closes his eyes*breaths* *throws the bottle as far as he can into the water* maybe, somehow, it'll find you Ella, this may only be a dream for a chance of hope. But its all i have and i won't give up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
